Nuthead

Spending as much time as I have in the house with Griff…in the bubble has certainly taken its toll on me. The past three months I have had the opportunity to see my reflection. I have witnessed the love and creativity I want and can give to the world…it was inspiring. I thought for a long time much was lost to me…lost because it had been so long since I had felt it but seeing this in me gave me hope. I also had a chance to see parts of myself I am none too proud of. The emotions and beliefs from the past…ones that no longer serve me but I still allow them to exist and influence my life. These two sides of me have been battling it out these past months and it has been exhausting. It got to the point where I did not know which way was up…what was truth and what was fantasy. I finally had to take a step back to try figure things out. That was today and it was painful because I had to let someone go who I love very much. All day I had an emptiness inside…my breathing shallow never being able to make the feeling go away...suffocating

I went to a workshop on Privately Developed Programs for Griff. The workshop explains how to comply with state law when home schooling your kid. I sat through the workshop with this emptiness inside me…listing…taking notes…trying to concentrate and not think about what I had just walked away from. Then something amazing happened. I started speaking about our Son Rise Program. It’s as if everything dropped away and I was able to think about only this and all the joy and happiness it has helped reveal in our lives. The class got out and I spoke with a few parents about it. I felt passionate in what I spoke about and they felt this from me…one woman was laughing nervously and backing away from me…hee hee…saying it sounded like religion. I said something about me being my own god and the religion she referred to was nothing but love and acceptance…but I think I had lost her at that point :-) But the other two I felt move closer to me…they were eager to hear. I felt connected to them….it’s something that has been missing from my life for so long. I’m ready to get out into the world …I’m ready for volunteers…ready to step out from the safety of these four walls.

I have had some amazing connections with people on the internet and I am thankful for it and their friendship. But there has been no balance in this. Today inspired me to take that huge step I have been waiting to be ready for. I retreated within myself these past few months…I became a distorted image of myself….always me but after years of life in the bubble I was not living in ideal circumstances to reach my full potential.

I see this for myself and Griffen. We have lived a life a certain way thus far because it’s what he has needed. But now we are all ready for a change…we have grown out of our skin. We are all ready to move on. I see life being very different for all of us and it’s exciting. Griff has made some amazing progress these past months…we are all growing so much.

Today was a gift…and it all changed for me in a few minutes when I talked about something I felt passion for. I decided a few months ago I would seek to express myself in the world as I am and not hold back. I haven’t been doing this…not to the measure that satisfies me. Today was a reminder to take another step in that direction.

The emptiness did not return though I still feel the loss. In letting go I feel now I have taken a step closer to this person….and this makes me happy.

Lost

I have spent this year trying to uncover and examine myself in search of self acceptance. It has been an amazing time for me. I have experienced such growth. Yet I find myself today utterly alone and vulnerable. All this self examination can unearth things you sometimes wish would stay hidden. I came face to face with a part of myself I am struggling to understand. I thought I had moved beyond this part of me but it has resurfaced. I don’t need or want to give details…it comes down to my feelings of self worth. I can’t seem to break through to understand this. Each time I feel I gained ground life brings something new along and I discover that there is still more work to be done.

I lost something today and my heart is breaking. I feel the only way to move beyond the pain is to let it go and move on but in this I am not sure. I feel in walking away from it I am giving up an opportunity to learn and grow. But I don’t know if I can stand the pain and the heart ache I think I would have to endure. I don’t know what to do.

Griffen is blossoming while I flounder by his side. I can see the me that is together doing all that I need to do…he is just out of reach though and I feel like my feet are moving through molasses

I can see myself put one foot in front of the other and move on from this place but today…right now…I feel like I have lost so much ground. Each moment from now I will gain more momentum and look back on this day but now all I can think of what I have lost…I hurt.

Attached

Yesterday I set an intention to love and accept myself and those around me. I have been striving for this for months now but many times it gets away from me and I lose sight of the importance of love and acceptance in my life. Yesterday I had it at the top of my mind and it helped…to put it out there to the world. Several times I felt myself beginning to judge something or someone and I was able to bring myself out of it with out judging myself in the process and look at what…or who I was about to judge….I took in what I saw and decided to accept it for what it was and see that there was value there…even if I could not see it...I acknowledged there was still value from a perspective other than mine. I was happier for it especially when it came to Griffen. Lately his autism has been hard on me. I knew I was creating the pain I was feeling but even knowing this I could not see a way out of it. I could hear the words “love and acceptance” but I was unable to feel them
So today I wake up and contemplate my day. I decide I want to carry this idea of love and acceptance further. I have been thinking a great deal these past weeks about my place in the world. Examining where and how I can begin to replenish myself….to begin to invest back in me and build a life for myself again so I have something to give to my family and the world around me. There are aspects of my life I want to change. So I wanted to set an intention of loving and accepting my life now…all of it. There is much I want to do with myself…things I want to examine but I have had trouble with this. I have been creating my goals in a vacuum. As soon as I bring them out of isolation and lay them up against my life they get lost amid the demands on me now…achieving these goals seems far away or impossible and the frustration, sorrow, anger I feel cripples me in acting on my goals and living my life in the present. But when has life ever been so smooth…I could wait for an eternity for a peaceful undistracted moment to carry them out.
All this got me thinking. There are things I want to change in me and with the way my life is structured. I have been looking at the end result then jump back to where I am now and the path between the two is unrecognizable. I realized I have been so attached to what I want to change I have been neglecting the present and it is the present moment that will get me to wherever I am going. I created a place I wanted to be and I became so attached to it I lost perspective on everything…to the point of paralysis setting in. I can get anywhere I want to go but it means putting one foot in front of the other. And that next step is always in the present. I sat there this morning trying to articulate this into 420 characters (face book limit) and even with twice that I could not convey the idea that was rolling around in my head…which was: I want to focus on the present…invest myself fully in the right now. It is not as I fear…that if I do this I will give up my dreams and goals for the future…but instead it will give me the strength and the clarity to see where to plant that next step. Where I want to go will be part of who I am now…not separate from it…so what I do now matters and avoiding it will only create more distance from where I want to go.
So I was reading my book, Zhuan Falun, in the park today and I read this:
“…the more you pursue them, the less you get. It is because you are pursuing something. Pursuit itself is an attachment. In cultivation practice, attachments are what need to be eliminated”… Li Hongzhi. It all made sense to me in that moment. I have become attached to so much in my life…what I want out of it. I set my sights on it and grab on. It’s as if I am squeezing a bar of soap in the shower….it keeps getting away from me. The tighter I hold on the further away it moves from me. Yet I have kept pursuing these things I want trying to hold on tighter and tighter and they just slip away. My god…I have been doing this my whole life.
This is something I have learned before but I had failed to see it in recent weeks. I have thrown myself into an eddy of attachment where I just keep going round and round. Goals are important…I find when I set an intention I can do the most amazing things. But it’s the attachment to the end result that is what I want to let go of. I came back from Option and I have been trying to create a future for myself but in doing so…creating a vision I became attached to it and I lost the ability to act effectively in the present and in doing this I jeopardize what I seek. I have spent the last few days realizing I am losing it all…the present and the future I desire. Focusing on Griffen’s recovery does not have to leave me with out a life today or goals. I can keep an eye on where I want to go but I don’t have to blind myself to the present with attachment.
This is what has been getting in the way of my role in Griffen’s recovery. Yes because I felt I would have to give up so much of myself and felt that I had already. I still maintained a sense of martyrdom…forgetting the lesson I have learned that I do what I want to do. There is always a choice. I have involved myself so deeply in Griff’s recovery because that was my choice. I want to take responsibility for this. If I choose…I can see that all the energy I invest in him I also invest in myself…we grow together and both will end up where we are meant to be.

Michael

I had a visitor today…two actually. A knock on the door…always exciting in the middle of the day for Griffen and I. I open the door to two Jehovah witnesses standing before us. I get them about once a month or so. I’m always polite, refuse the pamphlet but wish them well. Today was different. There stood two men…Griffen by my side eagerly looking at them…curious to no end. We did the usual greeting and with in 20 seconds the one on my left asks me if Griffen is autistic or has aspbergars. I am always thrown by this when people ask me if Griffen is autistic. It’s like they are playing on a game show “Guess what’s wrong with me?!” I think it’s an incredible selfish, invasive and rude thing to do. But today I did not react I simply asked why he would ask me that…genuinely curious.
He told me that he was autistic. His name was Michael, he was 38 and until he said it I did not notice anything that would make me think he was autistic. I went from guarded to welcoming. I was…for whatever reason happy to meet this guy. I just started talking to him about autism. He told me about himself…we talked about Griffen and I even talked about my own spectrum issues growing up. We stood outside my house for 20 minutes and I got some amazing insight into someone’s life…someone I could relate to on more than one level. A chance encounter but the timing could not have been better….a truly serendipitous occasion.
As we spoke Michael discussed how he relates to the world...the challenges he faces…what he enjoys and what drives him. Who I saw before me was a warm, intelligent and caring man. I have been thinking lately a lot of how I see and have seen the world and my own issues with autism spectrum disorder not to mention Griffen’s. Here was someone who could relate to my son…it was fascinating to hear this grown man talk about his life. Even more amazing was how much I related to him. Some things that drive him…the way he functions in the world I found rang true in my life…we were similar in many ways though I affected to a much lesser degree.
But what I was left with…the thing that really made a mark on me was his attitude towards himself. I have seen a huge shift in awareness towards autism in the last 3 years. This guy is 38 so I can only imagine what it was like for him to grow up. He saw himself as dysfunctional…the way he communicated problematic. Here was a man who saw himself on the outside of life struggling to communicate with those around him. Not only that but he saw himself as flawed. I was looking and listing to him…I saw nothing wrong with him. He simply was who he was…if anything I found him to be more pleasant and enjoyable than most people I meet. I can imagine the messages he has received over the past 38 years. I have experience with this from being teased and ridiculed for the majority of my child hood due to a speech impediment. Negative feedback from the world can have a lasting impact on people…especially from childhood when you are creating an identity for yourself. I don’t know how his family dealt with it but I can only imagine they did not provide him with a strong sense of self…and he still struggles with it still.
I was listing to Michael speak and I began to recall the thoughts I have had recently about how we are raising Griff…and our Son Rise program. Son Rise provided us with opportunity to make life changing altitudinal shifts in how we view Griff and his autism. I have wondered how complete my acceptance of his autism is because I know it is the key to recovery. But today talking with Michael I knew that there may be times I have a hard day and I stray from %100 acceptance but it is there in my heart. I came to the realization that my attitude and acceptance of who Griffen is…in tandem with my unrelenting belief that he can accomplish anything is the foundation for his future happiness…he is not bound by the diagnosis of autism and that he is now and always will be a complete person no matter where he is on the spectrum. I looked at Michael…I have thought of him all day and I could see where having this attitude around him would have changed the course of his life. He told me how isolated he is…how he struggles to communicate with the rest of the world. This is a man with three kids and an ex wife….not stuck in some home taken to be aired out once in a while…he has a life. My god have I felt like this! This guy is me but an amplified version.
He would issue a negative statement about himself and I would offer him a positive one. He kept talking about how he could not read social cues and people would be upset by his persistent questions and clarifications. As if he was trying to prove them wrong when all he was actually doing is get to the truth. The truth…being correct is everything to him. He saw this as a flaw in himself. I saw it as simply who he is…his way of communicating and a perfectly valid one at that. How people responded to him was out of his control and not his fault. This seemed a completely new idea to him…one I did not have time to explore with him. But I offered him the idea of that and suggested the opportunity for him to work on recognizing social cues in others. Again this seemed not to register with him…like he thought he was set in stone…his ways were there and would not change. I think this is false.
I felt a connection to this man and he felt one with me. It was gift for me on a rainy day….in a time I have been questioning my own worthiness and a father and a man. I could see he wanted to continue. We both expressed our thankfulness of our meeting. I could see he wanted to continue the conversation so I gave him my number. I hope he calls. There are many things I would like to ask him but most of all I saw an opportunity to make a friend.

Focus

I have been having a writers block since I got back from Option a month ago. In fact the block has gone beyond writing. I didn’t come back in a funk…but I went there to discover self trust and I have been questioning my place in the world since I returned…the role I will play in Griffen’s life and how I will continue to shape the kind of a man I am. I am having trouble doing both at the same time. I am someone who throws himself into something with all I have…work…love…what ever holds a passion for me. I run into trouble when I do this with things that over lap. I can multi task with the best of them as long as the tasks are all part of what my focus is on. But when I have my focus split with two things that overlap…like recovering Griff and making a life for myself I start to not know where to put my energy….my priorities constantly shift back and forth between them. I lose focus and I become what I am now…a mess. I invest in one and it takes focus and energy from the other and the guilt returns which further disrupts my forward motion. I struggle with creating the balance between the two. My problem…as I see it in this moment is I see the two, my goals and aspirations and Griff’s recovery, as separate entities. I am recovering my son…later I will have time to myself. There is something in this….I still see time to myself as an escape from recovering Griff…“shit”…have I not fully accepted his autism yet? …after all this time? Can that be? I feel so close to feeling that I have. I don’t know maybe that’s not it. Perhaps its just I spend too much time in the house and I have lost perspective. I suspect its both to some degree. I see them as separate but why must this be. Why can’t I weave the two together now? I understand the need to separate them before. I was emotionally and physically tapped out…Griff…when his autism was in full swing…it took all I had to get through the day…I needed the separation. But now that he’s better why do I cling to old patterns. I am trying to wrap my mind around this…trying to visualize what I am getting at…not seeing it.
I am working on creating more time for myself…finding a creative outlet. I feel good. But Griff’s recovery has caught me off guard. He has gone from this Tasmanian devil lost in his own world to a responsive kid who is now a willing sponge ready to soak up the world. I have come to the realization that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing! I don’t know how to teach him all the things he needs to know. I would love to stick him in school like everyone else but improved as he is he is not near ready for school. I’m caught in a limbo of being a completely burned out on being a stay at home dad and scrambling to catch up in making a life for myself that will give me the energy and light to help my boy.
I question the way we are recovering him at times. I look around at all the paths we could have taken…its easy to compare your life to others. Griff is better but not recovered yet…I look at what we do because I lose perspective. I know in my heart we are doing the right thing. The conflict comes when look to myself and feel…no…know I am coming up short as a dad…a teacher. I know his life here is lacking in some ways…but he is doing so well now. On the days I am able to engage him properly he really shines I can see his recovery...close…a certainty. I feel as if I have fallen through the ice and I am clawing at the surface trying to pull myself back on to the ice before I get stuck underneath. I find myself in a desperate race to heal my son and myself at the same time and I’m having trouble doing both…I know there is a way…others are doing it. I know I need to do for myself before I can help him to my fullest capacity but putting myself first…because that’s what it feels like….goes against every grain in my body and the battle has left me at times at a complete standstill…lost to what direction to go in.
I just realized why I want to keep “my” life separate from Griff’s recovery. I have known it all along. I have not accepted it…his recovery as part of my identity....I have not chosen to love it yet…I have not developed a passion for it. I think I have been running from this. Wanting to create a life outside of this world I live in everyday. I can embrace it…that’s it….I have not wanted to embrace it because I thought I would have to give up my hopes and dreams for myself. It all comes back to my inability to focus on the two at the same time. To do one…in my mind I think I have to give one up so I have been straddling them both for years….not willing to dive into one for fear of letting the other go. Damn. The kicker is I know now this is a belief…I choose to see it this way and all it takes is a decision on my part to stop believing I have to see it this way. I can do both. I can have passion for both. Wow I recognize this…I can see it…now I have to route out the beliefs that have made this part of who I am….I have some work to do.

Plugging Back In

My latest trip to Option put a spin on my head that I did not anticipate. I came home and went off in a direction I did not expect. I have spent the weeks since I got home examining myself and what I want out of all this…to make me happy. I have reached a point where I have to look after myself if I’m going to be worth a damn to anyone. I’m burned out being here in the house with Griff all the time. I have little left to give him. Though I want to be there for him with all my heart I need to start putting something back…to start nourishing my intellect. I’ve spent the last several weeks thinking about and doing just that. I’ve actually enjoyed it…go figure! Reading for pleasure…writing letters and exploring what I want to do in my life that will serve my needs. I have not accomplished this alone. I’ve been helped by a dear friend and my love for her has opened my life up to so much…more than I could have hoped for. I am happy to be here …on this journey….the world is getting bigger by the day.
But I have to plug back into my life now…I have allowed myself some room to work things out. Now I dive back in…reconnect to Son Rise and Option and get to it. But I bring with me another dimension to it all: serving my needs as well as Griff’s. I can do this…I am doing it. The past month has not been what I expected but very rewarding…enriching. I have seen amazing growth in Griff in the last month while at the same time old behaviors have returned (screaming is the loudest one and what comes to mind first). I would love to say I greet every scream or spastic episode with a huge smile and a warm heart but no…at times it’s hard to see. I still struggle to stay on top of our son rise program and all it entails, diet, and all the day to day life stuff. I still don’t ask for help and look at things and see a specific order in which I need to complete them. I need to look at this…change here would be a good thing. But I am thankful for all that has come my way in the last 6 months. The world I was seeing through a pin hole is now opening up into a panoramic view and the possibilities are endless. I am starting to think I can not only be happy but I can start to accomplish something’s for me…I can go out into the world and make a mark…while still loving and healing my son. I marvel at people who do this seemingly with out effort. It has taken me 6 months to get here and still I have so much to do. Its ok…I’m learning to enjoy the ride.

I Want Out!

A week and a half has passed since my trip to Son Rise and I am still processing it. I came back different but I can’t quite see how yet. I know I feel good and that I turned a corner but I’m still living it…my trip and I have yet to gain perspective. I won’t quite know how to apply all that I have learned until I do…I’m still letting it settle. It is still like porridge in my head…still unclear but that’s a good thing. The more time I spend with it the greater the understanding I will achieve.
I am looking at Griffen and my life differently now. The worry is gone. I know it will work out. I have said this before…several times over the past 5 months. But each time I say it…I mean it….but it feels different every time. As if it becomes truer somehow. Like it sinks a little deeper into my soul and now I feel that it has travelled deep enough that it can never be extracted. It makes me feel strong and now I feel that strength in my limbs…I feel it coming out through my skin ready to spread out around me. I’m at that point between knowing I can act and acting…I have an odd sensation.
I spent the week away and it was a time to focus on myself…with no distractions and I have let that carry on into my life when I returned. It has felt good. I have denied myself so much for so long I can now see the toll it has taken on me. It served its purpose and I am happy with all that I have done but it is time to sharpen the saw. I realize I have become so depleted I have nothing to give Griff anymore. It has become an obstacle to me working the program for him. I’m not talking about playing a round of golf or going to a movie…though those things sound nice….I want to feed my soul and nurture my creative side and ignite my passion for life again. I want to be able to give these things to my son.
I read on a Son Rise Blog “have you ever known an unhappy person to be fun?” And it hit that I have not been fun because I have been unhappy. Sounds like a no brainer but I was so focused on staying positive that I lost sight of the importance of happiness. It is the foundation for life and without it what’s above falters. I see this now and I will work towards my own happiness. I can help my son and myself at the same time.
I can see the differences in him already. At Max Impact some parents were talking about imitation and how important this is on the developmental scale. Griff had not reached this. But today I was showing him how to blow a raspberry. I have tried this before to no avail. But today he sticks his tongue out a few times and after a few tries he gets it. I blew one he blew one…we went back and forth. I was stunned. We were then lying side by side and he was staring into my eyes with such intent….with such passion. He started to recite the characters from a book in order and I repeated the words as he said them. We got to a name I could not understand. I told him to try again and again. I could not understand. He got so upset…tears were streaming down his face but he kept on trying to get it. Finally I jumped up and ran and got the book…he showed me the word and I repeated it…I celebrated…he smiled and moved on.
I saw something new in those tears and frustration. I looked into his eyes and I could see the change in him. He wants out of his autistic world…he is aware of the world around him and he wants to be a part of it. My heart ached when I saw this because I could see the discomfort inside him…almost like he was trapped inside. But I am so happy to see it….after all this time.
We have made it to the next level and I find myself yet again having to abandon the routines and ways I have adopted. The constant change and revaluation is exhausting. There is no autopilot with autism…not if you want real growth. But I am thankful for that. Though I am always striving to be present Griff’s autism has allowed me to enjoy the moment more than any other time in my life. It has brought me beauty and growth to my life…more than I could have imagined. I have so much to be thankful for…so much so it is increasingly harder to find the downside. It’s not as if the struggle is not still present but it’s a matter of perspective and desire. I choose to see the positive instead of the negative (most of the time). This is finding its way into every part of who I am and I will carry this with me the rest of my life. My son’s autism has been a gift. I repeat myself I know but the strength I am achieving comes in layers and not all at once. Each time I gain something I recognize it for something new…each lesson is unique though it may be part of something greater that came before. With each experience…each revelation I see more clearly…though it may only be a degree removed from what I have experienced before it only serves to strengthen me. I welcome that.

I Can

I am thankful for the journey I am on. Saying that still seems a little strange but fills me with happiness so I know it’s true for me. It seems every time I turn around I am discovering I have taken another step forward. Before I felt as if I was trudging through deep snow and now it feels more like the express walkway at the airport.
I went to Maximum Impact last week…my second Son Rise training. I went there to get a deeper sense of love and acceptance for my self and through me of Griffen. I wanted to increase my level of self trust…to be more authentic with myself and others. I want to put my self out there without hesitation. To be comfortable with everything I say. To say and do what I mean to do and stand behind it.
I left with this and more though it has not all come to the surface. But something significant has shifted for me. I feel as if I can take it all to the next level. Before I went I felt restricted somehow….not overwhelmed but I lacked the ability to see it happening…to know that it would. I have that now…that trust in my being that I know I can make it happen.
I found my self amongst some amazing parents…truly inspired by their strength. As I did at Start up I struggled with my ability to blend and interact with them all. At first I was self conscience of it…it felt awkward. I wanted to engage on a deeper level than I did but could not. At first I resorted to some old beliefs that something was lacking in me….that I was distracted somehow. But as the week progressed I realized that I was functioning with in the group in a way that was perfect for me. I was very present with those around me but limited my exposure. I found I was able to give only so much of myself. I need to take more in than give out. Why exactly I don’t know. I think for me I can’t absorb and project myself at the same time. I need to take it all in and let it soak into every nook and cranny….then I can gain some perspective on it and then give back something meaningful. Unfortunately by this time we have all gone our separate ways…the chance to create that ever lasting bond is gone. That saddens me a bit but I have faith in the way I operate…that it’s what’s best for me. This realization is a blessing. I have beaten myself up over this for my entire life. I always manage to make a few deep connections that last and I am thankful for that.
I discovered strengths I thought I had lost or never knew I had. I found the intense pain, sorrow and fear that had permeated every part of my life has become a distant memory….so much so when I try to recall it there is only the faintest twinge of discomfort left. The pain and fear I lived with everyday are now just images of the words themselves in my minds eye. My god when did that happen! Four months ago I thought happiness and peace were years away and as it turns out I have them now. I have accomplished more than I could have imagined in such a short time….it staggers my mind to think what I can accomplish with the rest of my life and for my son.
I no longer doubt I will heal my son. I am not attached to an out come…healing and recovery have really just become a state of mind…if I am loving and accepting in the present moment then where I ever I am is good. ….its a “where ever I am...is the place to be” kind of thing. It’s as if where ever I turn I see something good or know a way to find a solution. Still I have my moments where I lose sight of this astounding new gift but it’s always within reach. I now see opportunity where I once saw obstacles. I have to say these words coming from me is….I don’t know…I want to say unbelievable but no…that’s not correct. To be honest it feels right….like this is me and always has been I just could not see it before.
My week at Max Impact gave me many things but most importantly it gave me the freedom to know that I can….I can do anything and I have the knowledge to answer life’s questions even though the answers may not always be at my finger tips. I know that even when I struggle, when I am lost, when I am scared I know I will find my way….that I have the answers with in me if I am persistent and continue to search them out. How exciting is that! What a journey. The deeper I go within all that I learn spreads out from me into my world. I started down this path to heal my son and as it turns out it is healing me as well and everything I touch or look at seems that much brighter. I have discovered this beautiful life…..I am thankful for it….every day.

A Mark In Time

I arrived at the Option institute for my week of discovery and healing with an open heart....ready for anything....up for everything. Four months ago I arrived wounded and in pain....no less open and ready but in desperate need of understanding and a connection to others ...to let me know I was not alone in the world...that I did not indeed live in a bubble. This time I have had time to heal and make some significant...no...life altering shifts in my consciousness. I arrived and I could tell immediately I was different and my experience would be anything but the same.
I sat in class Monday morning...Bears walks out to greet us. This was the first time I met Bears....I've read his books and heard his voice on Cd's. I have been changing my life....healing my son based on thirty years of his work. I was excited to meet the man I had come to admire and trust. I had imagined what it would be like and was not ready for the reality. I felt myself almost withdrawing from the experience. I had imagined my elation but I felt constricted in some indiscernible way. All the work I have done up until this point yet I still felt like I did not belong....almost like I did not deserve to be there. I wanted to jump in emotionally ...with all my force and not hold back but yet here I was unable to commit. Not nervous or insecure but unable to release...unable to expose myself. I felt like there was a spotlight on me as if to highlight my lack of presence. I was maddened that these emotions were distracting me from getting all that I came to do. I fought to discover what was working to distract me from what I felt such passion for but that was only further distracting me.
At one point in the morning Bears started an exercise...a meditation. We all milled about in a group in random and changing directions until he stopped us and we were told to find a person to stand in front of and look into there eyes. I found Minta...I stared down into her warm and inviting face. We were told to hold our gaze...Bears began to guide us through the meditation all the while we were to continue to stare into the eyes of this person...we were asked to send our love to this person....to express ourselves in a deep and meaningful way through silent mediation to someone we had never met before. I stood there gazing down into her eyes scared and still feeling that conflict of not revealing myself and jumping in and now I was asked to do it with all my heart. I had come so far...I decided to let go...that it was alright to be scared...it was OK and I was safe. What I felt over the next few minutes I can hardly describe. Surrounded by strangers but the world soon dropped away and all I could see was Minta's face. This face of a stranger was now my whole world and I felt that I was giving myself up to her completely....losing myself in her eyes. I could feel the heat of my love slowly filling me up rising towards my face....flushing my cheeks and flowing towards her. I was at such peace....I was completely open to this woman....I was hiding nothing and as I looked into her eyes I could see...I knew that she accepted me as I was accepting her. At first I wanted to look away but I began to feel such calm that I soon forgot all my fears and worries. Tears filled my eyes...Bears asked us to step closer until we were just a couple of inches away and I could feel our energies blending together. I could never have imagined I could be so utterly exposed and yet feel so safe. I knew I had crossed over to a new state of being...one that I could not step back from.
I came to Option with the goal of learning to find the self trust that has been eluding me my whole life...looking for completing my journey to love and acceptance of self for it is this that has been blocking the path to my full involvement in my son's recovery. When I came I was scared I had come all this way to fail...that I had not made the gains I thought I had. But I have come farther than I thought. Staring into Minta's eyes I discovered my love.....and that I can put it out there....I can reach down and discover all of me and show that to the world. Show it to the world and not fear the reaction....no longer fearing rejection. The world will do, say, and be what it is. I can choose how I see it...I can choose what serves me and what doesn't. It no longer has the power to make me unhappy unless I choose that and allow it to do so. It no longer has the power to dictate my reaction to it. I am insulated by my beliefs...beliefs I can choose at anytime.
In an instant my perspective changed...in a moment I went from struggling to be present to being not only completely open but never feeling stronger or safer. I had my first glimpse of the glory of being radically authentic. The last time I was here I wondered what would happen when I returned to my life...I felt stronger but not solid. I feel solid now...I now have the tools to start on my journey in earnest. No longer needing a crutch to get by on...no longer in need of a life line to Option and Son Rise. Now I can make it on my own and Son Rise is a recourse that will energize and teach me but the strength to stand is now coming from within. Freedom is what I am feeling and excitement. Excited with the idea of getting on with healing my son...seeing it all with a new understanding originating from a better sense and understanding of Self. I am thankful to all at option because there are many that have made this possible for me but it is Bears that I give my deepest thanks and love to...he has shown me how to turn the light on inside myself....a gift of a life time.
Bears ended the meditation and the spell was broken but not diminished. We were asked to turn around and I was face to face with Paul....an Aussie and a beautiful man. The same mediation but a different experience but no less meaningful. No longer a stranger to the experience I could gaze into to Paul's eyes and send this man my love and though different I feel it set the whole experience in my heart...it was not just a fluke...the repeated experience made it real and less dream like. I am thankful for that because it will be something that I carry with for the rest of my life. The meditation will forever mark the time when I was able to show all of me to the world and will help me grow into the man I have always wanted to be. Minta's kind and lovely face will always be the image...the symbol of that moment.

Love and Acceptance

When I went to Son Rise for the first time last December I was immediately taken in by it. It all wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I felt like I found the key...I felt like I was, for the first time, in the right place. The concepts, the ideas, the attitudinal shifts they suggested...I embraced it all. But I was coming out of a pretty heavy funk and just because I connected with the approach...the technique...whatever you want to call it didn't mean I got it all right away. It has taken time for me to integrate it into my life but after months of working on it I am seeing the results.
The three E's...Energy Excitement & Enthusiasm. I had the hardest time with this. When I went to Son Rise for the first time I was open to the experience but seriously burned out and had retreated into myself. I agreed and embraced all that they said....I was ready to hear, learn, and heal but my reserves were low and I doubted my ability to have as much energy excitement and enthusiasm as they were suggesting. I was still really struggling with Griff's autism. So I came home and started to study it all. I could not get into the playroom. I didn't have it in me. Tormented by this though I was...I knew that for me I had to fix myself first. The other day it dawned on me that the three E's...that have been so elusive for me...or so I had thought...had eased into my life without me fully realizing it. In what became a kind of “duh!” moment I saw that the energy, excitement and enthusiasm I wanted to have for myself was born out of the love and acceptance I have been building for me and my son. I have been able to dialogue with myself these past months...chipping away at the beliefs that are getting in the way of what I want. And now the connections are starting to happen. As I discard and change one belief it affects others. What I find most exciting about this is now it does not seem all so impossible...in fact it's absolutely possible. Before I wanted to see it...to truly get it all but it was then just a dream...a hope that I could rise to the occasion as others had before me. Part of me knew I would get there but there was still the fear that had a strong hold on me...the one that whispered in my ear that maybe I wouldn't get “it”. Now I am making some astounding changes in my own life as well as Griffen's....I see it happening like the dominoes are starting to fall. I look out at what had seemed insurmountable and know that I can affect the positive change in my life that I have longed for.
I arrived at the Option Institute today for my second training. I have been longing to come back here since I got home from start up. It was a place of retreat and healing...a place of hope and belonging. Those first couple of months I clung to this place in my mind afraid to let go...needing...yes needing to come back...afraid to let go or stray to far from it lest I lose the connection. But the closer the day came to my return the stronger I got. As my inner strength and understanding grew the less I needed to hold on with both hands...and now the training wheels have come off. OK so maybe Bear's is still running behind me holding onto the seat but I return today a different man. I came here last time with fear and sorrow still in my heart. Ready to weep to let out all the stress, unhappiness and fear I had in me. I first came here reaching out of dark hole for a helping hand to lift me out. It is still a place of healing and hope to me but now I arrive as a man who has stepped out of the darkness and into the light. I no longer have to spend most of my energy to maintain my balance and composure...I can now focus my energy on growing and better understanding me, my son, and the world around me. I am starting to live everyday using the Option/Son Rise principles. No longer just reading or saying the words but applying them and seeing results and integrating them into who I am. Every single day something amazes me...and it is all connected to the way I feel about myself. I am truly experiencing love for myself and that is what I now give to my son and the world around me. I need to work on this everyday and I slip plenty but I am starting to reap the rewards of this new found understanding. I am able to build on it a little each day...creating a strong foundation for the rest of my life. I mistrusted and fought with myself for so long that I had no idea of the negativity I was projecting out to the world. I knew something was not right but I was clueless to know how to recognize it or change it. Continually looking outside of myself to find or be given the answers...not knowing I had them all along. I am thankful for Griff's autism...it is a blessing. This is no longer lip service...I feel it. He has affected such a positive change in our lives and it has led me to a place of self discovery that will in turn help him step closer and closer to us.
My growth and its direct affect on Griff was demonstrated to me today on my trek east. I have been afraid of flying my whole life. I thought it was because I was afraid to die but in preparation for my journey out here today I started to explore my beliefs about it. I realized I am not afraid of death itself. It is in fact the moment I realize I'm going to die that scared me the most and flying presented the perfect opportunity to bring up that fear. I asked myself why I was afraid of those few seconds before death and it came to me it was the regret I would feel for the things I had not done and letting myself, and now my family down. The thought of my son and my not being able to heal him. But it all came down to thinking I was incomplete, that I wasn't ok the way I am, that I was unfinished. In the days leading up to my trip I was able to change those beliefs. Once I exposed these beliefs I saw them as something I could let go. They no longer served me. I could now see all that I have done to improve myself and help my boy. That I am ok just as I am and that I have helped my son the best I can with tools I had. Flying was an experience that once shot fear through my whole body and now I was now able to enjoy and feel relaxed with it...I actually allowed myself to enjoy it. Today I flew on a tiny plane with propellers and red liquid leaking from one of the wings, a big jet with engine trouble and I was fine through it all. Each time I began to feel the old fear I examined my beliefs, recognized them as something I no longer needed and put in their place my new belief that I am complete just the way I am. To my utter amazement each time it worked. I did that in a few days. If I can do this....well I can do anything...I can help my son be the person he wants to be...who or whatever that is....on or off the spectrum. I am seeing through practical application the beauty and the power of Love and Acceptance. Slowly I am changing my outlook of life as one filled with obstacles to one awash with opportunity...A life time of searching and here it is...feels good.

The Here & Now

“Siddhartha spoke with delight. This discovery had made him very happy. Was then not all sorrow in time, all self torment and fear in time? Were not all difficulties and evil in the world conquered as soon as one conquered time, as soon as one dispelled time?” HH

I have read Siddhartha 4 or 5 times…each time I bring something new to the text and it reveals something new to me. This time I read the copy I had in college. I was delighted to see the passages I underlined almost twenty years ago are the same ones that resonate with me now. I was on the same path then as I am now but now I can look back and see how far I have come…how much closer to my goal of self discovery and acceptance I have become.
I have discovered that time and the hold it has had on my life has caused me so much grief and pain. My constantly looking to my past in an attempt to identify who I am while looking forward trying to anticipate events so I can navigate them. Feeling trapped by the past and uncertain about the future I have worn myself down to a nub. But now I am becoming aware….like Siddhartha I sit by the river and have discovered the power of living in the moment….recognizing that there is only the present moment and the past and the future do not exist any where but right now.
I have days where I struggle to get through. I finally realized that these are the days that I look at what we have not done in the past to help my son and look to all that we must do and become overwhelmed by it. These are the days that I get discouraged and the distance between Griff and Rebecca increases. I am then forced to dig myself out of the mental hole I am in and get back on track. I do this continually…why? Out of habit and because I never knew I could change the pattern.
I have been slowly but steadily examining my beliefs. I’m amazed how easy it is to change or discard them. To examine them…to dissect them and discover where they come from is hard at first…because it’s like working a soft and unused muscle; easy to give up on but I have pushed through and I am getting better at it…stronger. I feel like it is becoming a habit…when I feel uncomfortable, mad, upset, frustrated…I stop and ask myself why I feel the way I do…and follow the thread back to the source. I have far from mastered it…I have only scratched the surface but I have seen enough to make me want to go on.
No where in my life has this helped me more than with my son. I have given his recovery my all. I have made mistakes….at times I have retreated into myself unable to function at my best…and I have done great things to help him. But for most of his life…until very recently…I have viewed it all as a burden…a sacrifice. What I did not realize before is that I have always had a choice. I have not needed to do any of it. All that I have done I have done because I wanted to. Yet I have lived with unhappiness all these years thinking that joy will return to my life when my boy is recovered. Then the image I had of myself with my son could be fulfilled. I lacked the vision to see that my happiness was all around me…waiting to be discovered.
I have been attached to an outcome….having a typical kid…doing all the things most people take for granted; living a normal life. I have wanted that…so much and I was reluctant to let go of it. I didn’t want this to be my life….I thought it would be giving up. But I am seeing…really seeing that this is a beautiful life I have. I am starting to see all the beauty and wonder that Griffen has brought to our lives. How his autism has brought us so close together and I can see this when I live in the moment…when I don’t look back or peer into the future. When I accept that now is all I have I am truly happy. It does not mean I stop trying or that I cease to be able to navigate successfully through life. It’s quite the opposite…my vision expands…I become even more aware and in touch with what’s around me. My mind is no longer cluttered with the fear and anxiety of the past and future. I operate with a clarity that I have longed for.
I am still in transition…I lose sight of this new found ability and have those “Greatest American Hero” moments. I struggle and fall into old habits but I have glimpsed the possibility of living a life like this….where living in the moment is like breathing…effortless. I always thought that kind of happiness did not exist…or could not for me. But I no longer feel that way. I am learning to conquer time by learning to recognize that there is no past or future. There is only my interpretation of it through my current beliefs. I can change my past by changing my beliefs and I can conquer the future by not becoming attached to an outcome. There are of course moments when I day dream and entertain hopes of what I would like to see. So often I would use these moments to escape my current situation but I realized today that I now day dream about my life now…I think about Griffen’s recovery and the steps we can take to get there. This is a giant step to living in the here and now.
I am starting to see all the possibilities for happiness in my life…right now. I am no longer seeing my life as one of sacrifice but seeing it for the gift it truly is. The gift of Griff’s autism and all the positive change it has brought into our lives. The martyr in me is dead and with it I can say goodbye to the weight…the sorrow…the despair martyrdom brought to my life. I have the choice to believe that my son’s autism is just another part of his beauty…once I do that there are no barriers to my happiness.

“Therefore it seems to me that everything that exists is good----death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly. Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my love and understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me” HH


Both quotes are from Herman Hesse’s “Siddhartha”

A Smile

I had this great thought today. I was driving past a baseball field….4 diamonds clustered together. Lots of people out on a warm sunny spring day to watch there families play baseball. I had this image of taking Griff to a baseball game…he was older like…9 or 10. We’re sitting in our seats and he just looks up at me and gives me a smile…a smile that says “I’m content and happy to be here with you dad”. That’s all…it filled with me hope.

Rocket Man

I woke up the other day and crawled into bed with Griff while he still slept and the oddest thing occurred to me. I am a Super Hero…or like one. A Super Hero discovering what he is capable of. As I was laying there I saw myself as the Greatest American Hero. For those old enough to remember he was the average guy who was delivered a Super Hero suit by aliens only to loose the instruction manual. He did good deeds and righted wrongs but he never got the hang of the suit…flying off into bushes…not landing gracefully…doing things he had no intention of. But it always worked out in the end…the bad guys got caught and though he never prospered in a material sense he was always happy in the end.
A Super Hero…a force of nature...the same thing I think. I was looking at my boy sleeping peacefully in the morning…his sweet face…calm and perfect. I thought of all I have been trying to do and how a lot of it misses the mark…or feels as though it does. At times being lost and unsure of what to do…not knowing what works but having to rely on my gut because there are no guarantees…no “do this and he will recover”. I was thinking today while I was trying to make this palatable blend of, fish oil, sauerkraut juice, his probiotic, and blended cauliflower. I’m spreading this concoction on a meat ball thinking “Jesus is this going to work?” He was out side throwing sand into the air so he could see the cloud dust and saying “Smoke!” but it was coming out “Snoke!” He was having a blast emptying the sandbox on to the lawn. But for me it was one of those moments I questioned what I was doing. He has not done this “ism” for two or three years. I know he is taking care of him self but for a couple of hours I was fighting it in my mind. My moment of triumph came when instead of slipping into self pity and frustration I was able to recall what I have been learning: all we have is now…this moment and that and I can trust in myself and know that I am doing the right thing for me and him right now based on what I know today. He is doing the best he can….I know that but reminding myself that I am to…that and truly believing it…this helped me gain the perspective I needed to enjoy my day…regardless of what Griff was doing or not doing. Once I did that I could embrace him again. I could walk out to the sand box and join him…be happy for him…the fear…my fear…was not there keeping us apart. And as soon as I let that wall disappear he engaged me…and let all the growth he has achieved shine through. His body has been going through a lot lately with all the changes in diet and he has needed to retreat into himself at times. Some old behaviors have resurfaced…and I have at times let them trigger some of those old fears that only succeed in driving him further away and lake me miserable. But when I choose to love and accept him he makes the effort to reach out and connect. It is really the most amazing thing to witness.
So here I was staring at my son seeing myself as a Greatest American Hero of sorts…struggling to do good…trying to do the right thing …fumbling and crashing into things because I lack the instructions…but then, in a moment of clarity, I could see how I am actually evolving into a true super hero…the comic book ideal. All the work we have done these 6 years…the past 4 months of me trying to wrap my mind around the Option process…not just to understand it but to begin to live it. Not only say I love and accept myself and my son but feel it…breathe it. I could see it happening…not arriving at full super hero status yet…but I could look back on the fumbling dad who is lost and see the changes that have taken place. I could see myself on my way to being that Super Hero dad…that force of nature for my son. Like all super heroes…I am flawed and have weaknesses but I have direction and purpose…not needing an instruction book but acting from trust and acceptance of Self. With out realizing it I have been living in the moment more than I thought. I have been studying and focusing on what I want to accomplish and learn that I had not realized how far I have come. Staring into his sleeping face I felt a real sense of accomplishment and that made me happy. And where I once thought this happiness would make me complacent it only drives me on and emboldens me to try even harder…to reach a little more inside myself when I have those moments of fear and self doubt. I am learning to trust myself…learning to let go of my fears. Each day I am moving closer to the ideal…and knowing that I never have to reach it in order to be happy and help my son…but that the constant striving for it is enough.

Signs

We have been implementing a new diet for Griff for the past three weeks. Since Griff has “leaky gut” changes in diet effect him significantly. The trick has been to find the right foods to starve the yeast and the pathogens and feed the beneficial bacteria and flora in his gut. Since there are no cookie cutter solutions, just guidelines, it’s a trial and error approach taking weeks or months to find out if a food can be tolerated and is beneficial. So swings in behavior and spikes of autistic symptoms are normal and to be expected. I knew what was coming but it’s still hard to see him revert back to behaviors I have not seen for a while. This past week or two the sun was not shining that much…I was in the kitchen and taking care of Griff and my Son Rise connection (my ability to read and write about it) was thin to non-existent. Son Rise and Option led me to a strong place that will allow me and Griff to heal in our own way…but my grip on it has yet to be complete and while I am in the beginning of adopting and learning new ideas I have a need to stay close to it. Being hip deep in cooking and all things food I was feeling the distance and a few days ago I actually started to feel stress that I have not felt since prior to my Son-Rise trip. It was a little scary that I could be so close to feeling that way again….being lost and set a drift. Griff’s symptoms were in full swing. His verbal communication had diminished a great deal as well as his responsive language. He still showed a lot of the gains he has made but you had to prompt him…he was distant. Though I knew that is part of recovery…on top of everything else…it was getting me down and I felt myself pulling away from him when he would have a rough patch. Not wanting to distance myself from him but his autism….but it is part of him and who he is and that’s where the love and acceptance can be a challenge.
So yesterday I’m trying to engage him…trying to keep that loving and accepting attitude…I ask him to come over to the easel. His drawing has always been sporadic and pretty basic. He can draw some basic shapes but not to well….faces are better but very simple. He has never written letters or numbers. He can read, knows his alphabet, count front and back to a 100, and spell words with blocks…but can’t draw to well and his desire to do so comes and goes. So I take his hand and put the pen in it and guide his hand drawing shapes and signs. He loves stop signs so we drew one….I carefully explained how we were drawing it describing the angles of the octagon and the letters. All the time wondering if I’m getting through because he did not show any response. It was a rough day and I had trouble getting close to him and my three "e’s" were low. He walked away after that. That night I was cooking and feeling that scared feeling and wanting to get back on track. It was late but I read some “To love is to be happy with”. When I let some distance get between myself and what I desire...getting back to it always seems so complicated. I was feeling that way with Son Rise and all it took was taking 20 minutes and reading some pages. All that I have gained and learned has not left me but the day to day Mr. Mom routine, the ebb and flow of my emotions and all of life’s distractions can make it seem so at times. Reading I was reminded of what’s important….the simplicity of love and acceptance and the power of being present and in the moment.
When I woke up today I read the passages I had read the night before and reminded myself what I wanted and all that I have done. I was determined to engage Griff all day and not be distracted or allow myself to judge his autism as “bad”. I walked towards it with my arms outstretched…defeating it with a warm embrace. We had a great day. Griff had some rough moments but we got through them together. But something happened early on. I put some paper in front of him on a whim and a marker and he started drawing all this fruit. Naming each piece…I was celebrating him…he was so engaged, verbal and drawing better than I have seen in a long time. After 10 minutes of drawing at a feverish place I asked him to draw me a stop sign. He took his pen in his awkward grip and drew an octagon! I could see his brain working to remember each angle….I could see him recalling yesterday when we did it together and though the ends did not match up he nailed it….then he draws inside the octagon an “S” then a “T” then an “O” and says “stop sign”. I think he would have drawn the “P” but he ran out of room. Wow did I celebrate that! He has never done that before. I was so happy and proud. It reminded me that he is learning all the time and though he may not be able to acknowledge me or show me right then that he gets it …he is still growing every single minute. He then draws a rail road crossing sign very well and draws the two “R” ’s. in the “X”. Writing letters and words just like that in the midst of his current upheaval….it really gives me hope and reaffirms our belief that we are on the right path.
I have never had a conversation with him, never heard him say I love you…though I know he does with all his heart. I have to look for those moments of growth where ever I can no matter how small. Today I saw something remarkable. It reminded me that I allow him to grow and heal when I create that loving and supporting atmosphere….we all need it its just he needs it greatly amplified 24 hours a day. To do this I need to find that place of love and acceptance within me that I can sustain from moment to moment. It will become like breathing…effortless. That’s what I have been working on….covering more ground than I ever have in such a short time to get there….and I feel like I’m close.

The Embrace

Time has been flying by. In a way it feels like I just got back from my trip to Son Rise. It’s like the past three months have been a life time in itself….albeit a short one. I have had such a wide range of emotions and it feels like I have been shot out of a circus cannon… having to figure out how to land in the net before I get there. They told me how to do it as I was climbing into the cannon but now that I can see the net approaching I realize I have not worked it all out.
The net is my advanced training class at Son Rise in April. I realized the other day I have been apprehensive about going. I am excited to go and know I will learn so much but I have that old feeling…like going back to school or that I’m about to take a big test….I don’t feel prepared….worse yet I have guilt because I feel that I should be prepared. I have yet to implemented our Son Rise program with Griffen….I was feeling as if I was going to show up and not fit in….that everyone would turn to me and look upon me with scorn…disdain because I had not risen to the challenge. “You’re not in the fun room yet? You didn’t bring a video….why? What’s stopping you? What’s wrong with you?” In this fantasy I mutter a feeble response… “its me…I’m stopping me” I make the excuse of "I have been trying" and list all that I have done….state all the gains we have made because of the Son Rise principles…..but my achievements only serve as excuses.
I thought about this and I could imagine my trip out there…walking into the cafeteria meeting all the other parents. I realized how far I carried this fantasy….I was making excuses why I had failed….I was feeling guilty and shameful. I thought about how uplifting my first trip was. There were no expectations of me then…I was open and ready. But now I and I alone have created this bar I should have reached. I wonder if I would have placed this bar out of reach regardless of how much I had achieved. I thought about my previous trip and the joy it brought me and discovered that if I stayed with the current mind set I would set myself up for disappointment and a great deal of unnecessary suffering. I want to get the most out of my trip. It came to me like a kick in the head that I can celebrate all that I have done to date; that I have nothing to be ashamed of. My family has made great strides in such a short time, Griffen has blossemed since we started our training, I have grown so much as a man and a father, and we have implemented a very involved dietary change...all this in the last three months and we are determined and driven to achieve our goal of running a successful Son Rise program. I do not have to prove that to anyone. It occurs to me that the only person I was trying to prove that to was myself….Its why I had imagined an inhospitable environment at Son Rise when I know at my core my experience will be like walking into a warm embrace of a friend.
I can see my life as moving from one bubble to the next. A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of being on the playground as a child….feeling isolated by my inability to communicate clearly. Standing alone not being able to find and form the words that would gain me entrance into a world I longed for. That feeling has followed me through out my life though my ability to communicate has evolved and ceased to be an obstacle. To be honest I felt it at times when I was at Son Rise in December. I would stand in the cafeteria and look out at the other parents…after a couple days I could see many had formed groups of friends and they would stick together. Again I felt like the misfit…not fitting into a group. It was like standing on the playground again or walking into the school lunch room…wondering if I would see a friendly face I could sit with…if I could find someone to accept me…not being aware as a child of the power that sitting alone can bring…the strength of self-reliance. When I fall into the trap of looking at life through these old beliefs I forget this lesson today.
I was feeling that way again thinking of my trip…standing outside of the crowd….wanting to be a part of it but not feeling worthy. Needing the validation of others instead of trusting in myself and what I had accomplished. But then like so many other times in my life when it really comes down to a choice… I ask myself “what do I want”. I ultimately choose to confront that feeling of isolation but really I choose to accept it as a part of who I am; something to be proud of. I don’t have to be the person who feels comfortable in a crowd….to blend into a group. I stood in the cafeteria at Son Rise and those self doubts came to me but I decided that I did not want to hide…I wanted to explore so I went down and sat with someone new….I embraced my inner misfit. It was exhilarating because I wanted to discover as much as I could. Being the way I am helped me achieve that…It is something to celebrate. I can trust that I have done the best I can to date. I can go to Son Rise in April with my head held high….proud of the progress I have made and know full well I will be embraced by all because I come to them eager to learn and share.
I am still working on loving and accepting myself as I am. I am still working on loving and accepting Griffen as he is. . I know the place I want to get to. I can see it and I am determined to get there. It’s just that the steps I need to take to get there get obscured from time to time. It’s as if there are many paths I need to take to get to this one place. I have confronted this before….I am trying to travel on many paths that all arrive at the same place and they begin to blend together and it is hard to distinguish them. I am pulled from one path to the next in my urgency to gain ground but I only end up slowing my pace. There is only one path to take...the one that I am on...I just have to choose to see it that way. As it is now I feel each step I take is a distraction or a detour from my progress…but they are all steps toward my goal. I can trust in myself that each step I take is a step forward. The time lines and expectations will fall away. Again it comes down to living in the moment and trusting myself to find my way.

The Pull

I’m learning to trust…to trust in the process….to trust myself and not only the direction I have chosen but my ability to navigate my way should my path change unexpectedly. This is a recurring theme for me. Since I came back from Son Rise I have had to deal with the ebb and flow of life…it brings me close to my goal and then pulls me back out. At first I panicked and thought I would not return….old beliefs hanging on…but I have learned to step back on this new adventure and look at the whole experience…I have gained a new perspective. I am able to see a pattern …yes I am pulled away from my goal to establish my Son Rise program…work…diet…life’s many obligations tug and yank at me constantly but time and again I return to it…gaining ground….getting closer. My fear was my resolve would waver and fade…as if this can be compared to my lame attempts to play guitar or take up photography as a hobby. As if my past deeds and actions dictated what I would do now at this moment. If that were true I would not be writing these words…I would not be sending them out for the world to see. I have hesitated to step out from the safe places I inhabit but again I can see that I have run with abandon from other safe havens so what is stopping me from doing it when I recognize the need. Well nothing but myself. Will I hesitate…yes I’m sure I will. I’ll forget these words I’m writing…forget the strength I’m feeling now but only for a time…the ebb. William at Son Rise talked of our children being in a “mode”…a time when they seem to regress back into their autistic worlds. This, on the surface, appearing to be a setback but truly is our child taking time to rest…to process all that they have taken in…only to come out of it stronger than before. Why should I deny myself the same healing time…the ebb is my time to process…to gather my strength…the flow is when I implement all that I have absorbed. There are those lucky soles who’s recovery time is a mere blink compared to my own and it is these folks I compare myself to when I’m laying awake at 3 am….thinking of all I have not done. I have and continue to see my short comings as a man and a father as robbing my son of time in the world…free of his autistic bubble…guilt is not easily given the boot to. Not easy perhaps but if I step back now and look at how far I have come in ridding myself of this weight I can see real progress.
Progress…Its hard to gage when the goal is always shifting which now that I think of it is a problem and a source of a great deal of self imposed angst with in me. I am trying to arrive at an effortless place of living in the moment and not being attached to an out come….trusting my self to handle what comes around the bend…and that trust…the trust in myself is the ingredient that will allow me to let go of my expectations and attachment to a future and allow me to live in the present. The trust in me is the anchor that ties me to, and keeps me focused on, the present. So it is here I need to do the most work because I am attaching myself to many outcomes that shift from moment to moment…no wonder I get exhausted. Son Rise, Griffen’s recovery, my marriage, my heath…the diet. I have established a long list of outcomes I desire and I have impaled myself on each one. I am living in an uncertain future and I am running myself ragged. I am slowing myself down…my progress. I am measuring my accomplishments in time...why am I doing this? There is no need to attach myself to any of it because none of it is real…none of it has happened nor will it happen as I have imagined it. Why am I measuring achievements by a timetable? I am not in competition with anyone…though I feel it…feel the race against all the other parents out there. Trying to drive myself with guilt… driving myself with unhappiness. It is all coming down to my lack of trust in me. This is what I have been working on these past months with out always realizing it….I have not recognized the true impact of this until now. I have lacked the focus to drive at the heart of my unhappiness. I said I am learning to trust myself but I had not realized until now how connected it all is to this trust that has eluded me my whole life. It has come and gone in the past as it comes and goes for me now day to day. If I can get to the heart of it then all the rest falls away….the fear, the time constraints….the expectations. The trust will bring me into the present where I can focus on what’s at hand….trusting that whatever I am doing is the right thing to do and allowing me to be present… achieving the satisfaction and the forward motion I strive to feel and be at peace with. There is the “vicious circle” but this can be a “happy circle’. The trust feeds the action and the action develops trust and on it goes. I recognize my need to “mode”…to process all that I have going on…it has brought me to this place now but the goal is to reduce the time I need to do this and to gain the trust in myself…the result will enable me to move through life without being pulled from the present...just as I strive to do this for my boy I can also do this for myself.

Stepping out

I have been feeling lost lately…like I have been set a drift. After returning home from my Son-Rise trip I had a new focus and a different outlook than when I left. The world looked different…the colors had changed. My house…my office felt different. I had this intense feeling …a drive that was strong and I wanted to feed it. I was reading every night and writing. I was focused on learning about Son Rise and exploring myself and the obstacles I had created in my life. I was reaching out to those around me….I felt connected. Something I had not felt in a very long time. I immediately felt my life working its way back in…the distractions…I fought it. The thing is nothing has changed for me but somehow the world has shifted and it all looks different again. I wasn’t ready for this…I didn’t want it to change, at least not yet. I was enjoying myself…I was learning and exploring something new and it was exciting. My focus on Griffen has not shifted…the energy I put forth to his recovery is the same or stronger but my direction has had to switch from Son Rise to the new diet and I feel like I let my guard down…for a second in the transition…and my life that I was able to keep at bay came rushing at me. The sanctuary I had created for a few hours a night has been disrupted…lost and it has left me feeling exposed.
I directed all my energy into the new diet because a window appeared that would allow us to finally start it. I applied myself and we were successful so why am I not celebrating? Have I not moved closer to my goal of recovering my son? I think it comes from the fact that I was so entwined in the Son Rise approach. I was learning how to create a bond with my son but at the same time I was discovering so much about myself. Since I have had to step back from that self exploration I am feeling the vacancy it left. I had discovered something that was making me stronger and that had helped me to break free of the rut I was in. I don’t fear that I’ll some how return to where I was before my awakening but I want to get back to that place…that place of security and light. But right now it feels out of reach.
I am traveling on a parallel path. I am now fully involved in learning and creating our new diet. It’s something that is vitally important to Griff’s recovery but no matter how many hours I spend in the kitchen I feel like I’m not being productive. I know I am nourishing our bodies and finally starting the process of truly healing his gut. But I’m not nourishing my mind. I can see that path next to me but can’t walk them both at the same time. Nourishing my mind was giving me my newly discovered energy. I was given the gift of clarity and direction…something I was lacking and I was able to engage my mind by exploring myself and my son. It was exhilarating and the energy I was able to create fed on itself. There are not enough hours in the day for me to do both or so it appears to me now. I know I will reach a rhythm with the food and I will be able to free up some time but though I’m feeding the body I feel as if I’m starving my soul and I need both to carry on.
As in life…all is connected with a life of autism. You can’t pull on one string with out another feeling the tension. Every thing we do with Griff, with in our four walls, affects him in some new way. Mostly positively but you never know until you give that first tug or two. The diet is important but so is our son rise program…he needs both to recover…both to work simultaneously. I know the day will come when they will be humming along but now…trying to learn and start the two…I’m feeling the stress and the weight of it all. I have all the pieces of the puzzle….I’ve started to put it together but I have reached a point where I’m looking at them and they all look the same to me. I can no longer tell which is the next piece to place or even if there is any order to them at all. I’m being told just to take a step…any step but I cling to the idea that there is a natural order of progression I must follow….even when I have lost sight of what it is. That has left me stuck.
I have discovered, with the help of a friend, that I am unwilling to step out of my comfort zone to accomplish this. And it’s true and I can not understand why it is so hard to see these simple truths at times. I’m scared…scared to move on. It must be the added weight. Perhaps I have a fear I’ll buckle under it. I feel like I’m holding up as much as I can now. With all we have going on implementing the new diet was intense. Our bodies are adjusting to a change in food and dealing with Griff’s reaction has added a new set of challenges. The thought of stepping out of my comfort zone is wholly unappealing. I don’t know where I will get the energy or time to train volunteers to free up the time I need to accomplish the next step. I suppose it’s like writing…you have to be willing to let go of the first draft…edit edit edit. But I lose that editorial perspective when it comes to my life. My routine changes every few days as Griffen’s needs change or we hit an obstacle. I can create room one day and a few days later our life shifts and the plan I created goes out the window. I need to create a continuous thread in my life…something that does not change…something that I can carry within me everyday that will get me closer to my goal of recovery….that will help me stay focused on the gains I have made. I have tried to do this in the past but I always make it something tangible which I now think is a mistake. I know my life is too unpredictable to establish some routine that involves me doing something. I need it to be a mental exercise…a thought that will be a constant…something that will propel me forward and is unaffected by the life outside my mind. I felt I was on my way there. I was side tracked but now I have to fight to create a single path where I can learn and accomplish the parts I must play, dad, husband, teacher, student, chef, friend, and make some room for me. I know it’s possible. I know I have it in me. I just need to take the step outside the comfort zone…I know that’s where the growth takes place. Success lies on the outside. I think I need to find the strength to be vulnerable but something is telling me the strength is the reward one gets after making that first step. Ok…I can do that…if not for myself then for my son.
Rejection and ridicule is basically what I fear…my efforts not being validated…the in-hospitable world tearing down my self worth. That’s the underlying belief I have that prevents me from taking that first step. A few months ago I tried taking that first step and lost a friend in the process…discovering that after a 25 year friendship there was nothing connecting us anymore. I took a step outside my comfort zone and lost a friend so I withdrew back. But I can see it wasn’t something lost but something gained. That friendship felt like an empty shell for a long time. The connection became a reminder of something lost but without the closure. I could not see that until now. I lost the friend long ago but now I have gained the ability to move on from it. It’s true then…the strength does follow the act. Yes…I can take another step…they only will get easier…this I know….I can feel it.

The weight

We started the GAPS diet today. I have been preparing for this day for over a week…cooking and studying the diet and recipes. I feel I have a pretty firm grasp on it all…at least enough to get going. I had high hopes though I knew it would be a struggle for Griff. We may have pushed too hard and expected too much. We knew he would boycott food but he refused to drink any water (he is used to apple cider and water mixed). I thought he would come around but by the end of the day we started to consider dehydration and we did not want to go there. So we gave in and gave him his drink and decided to work on just the food and gradually wean him of the juice. This of course means we have to start form square one again once we get him off it.
But I was angry with my wife. I had put so much energy for over a week learning the recipes…buying the food and cooking my ass off to get this going. The diet is a key ingredient in Griff’s recovery. Food has been an important part of his growth and we have been working towards this moment for two and a half years. Finally we are ready to put the final piece of the food puzzle into place. I was prepared and positive…I knew it would be a struggle but staying positive is everything. The last couple of days leading up to today I felt that Rebecca was expressing worry and doubt openly in front of Griffen…I could not believe it…I tried to remind her to stay positive and that it would be ok but I have been getting a negative vibe from her for a few days. We both know this is important and the time is now. I was so angry with her …she would not let her fear go and if I was feeling it I know Griff , who has a super radar for all of our emotions, was picking it up. I felt she was sabotaging our efforts. After all we have been through….I was pissed off. But I, the new Tim, held on to it for a while without just letting my emotions spill out onto the floor.
While Rebecca was putting our limp and tired boy to bed I was festering in my anger…chopping vegetables and preparing my beef soup (which is delicious) and I started to remember how far we have come, how far I have come. Rebecca and I have always relied on each other to pick up the slack where the other leaves off. I have my strengths and she has hers…we try to adapt them to split up the work it takes to keep it all going. I have been realizing more and more over the past 6 months how much I have relied on her to take care of things I could not handle at the time. Early on when Griff’s autism was going full force and our emotions were just shredded every day….reeling from the shock of it all I retreated from it at times and left Rebecca with more than her share…she was the strong one back then…she held the line on days when I had trouble coping. I had been forgetting that as my growth has accelerated. I have always looked to her for guidance…relied on her too much when I felt out of my depth. It has led me to expect more from her than she is able to give. I wanted her to carry the weight I could not… never thinking maybe she was looking to me to do the same for her. Something’s have fallen through the cracks as a result of this…and that I think is normal…to be expected. But I have come into my own in regards to Griff and his autism and the roles have reversed. Rebecca is looking to me to shoulder some of the weight she has been carrying….the problem for me arose when I expected her to still be leading the fight. I have found it with in myself to take a leadership role…I am ready and want to do it…hungry for it but I have forgotten to unburden her of the weight that this role assumes. I have been missing the opportunity to relieve some of the weight she has been managing so she can move on to other things…other aspects of her self and family that need attending to. I have been shifting my perspective of my role in the family but letting my perspective of her stay static….not only is that not productive but it’s unfair.
So I was making the soup and feeling myself get upset but I realized this thought process will lead me nowhere. It will not move me closer to my goal. I was choosing to be unhappy. Now why would I do that? I was blaming her for Griffen not drinking…why? I wanted so badly for this weekend to be a total success…I had done my part so I was covered. I thought her part was to be supportive and positive and that would be enough. When she expressed some doubt I was quick to blame her for it not going to plan. She needed me to support her when she was having a moment of doubt…like we all do. But instead I blamed and distanced myself from her. I wanted to blame someone…not me…not Griff; a crappy thing to do…weak. So I realized instead of getting upset I could work on the problem…we could reach a compromise with Griff. No it had not gone to plan but it was not a loss either….we have come so far…the diet is still going to be implemented. We can adapt to the situation…we are good at that, her and I …Griff too. I have so much hope invested in this diet…and for good reason ...the diet kicks butt….but I allowed myself to transfer the underlying fear I had of the diet not working to anger directed towards my wife when I was up against it. I’m still not embracing my fears….not running up to them and examining them to find out their source…to question them and find the belief that supports that fear….and ultimately change or disregard the belief. But I am learning to move closer to this place of understanding…learning to become more aware.
I have been feeling the distance this past week from Son Rise, my writing and reading. The diet, the food prep has taken all of my time and when my energy is diverted away from my son rise path I feel the fear…the fear of losing a grasp on the growth and progress I have made…the fear of losing the forward momentum. I have tapped into something in me and I don’t want to lose sight of it ever again….I don’t want to run from it like I have most of my life. Every day I get closer to losing that fear. Every day I get closer to the mind set of love and acceptance of all things.
My wife is an amazing woman and has taught me so much…she has supported me in many ways and helped me to grow…she believed in me when I did not believe in myself…I want to be there for her in whatever way she needs me to be. I want to love and accept her for who she is at any moment…

Ripple

I have been starting the process of examining the beliefs I hold and how well they serve me. I may have understood this on some elementary level in the past but I never had the knowledge that I had the power to change my beliefs. Nor did I ever realize how much of on impact my beliefs had on how I view the world…they are how I see the world. In writing this I see the simplicity of it but in practice I have just accepted my beliefs as who I am and how I am never considering that I can discard those which do not serve my best interests.
I have just begun to wrap my mind around this and my exploration into my beliefs is in its infancy but already I feel the change. The most profound change has come with my change in how I view Griffen’s autism. I was amazed how easy the shift was. I had believed Griffen’s autism was a curse, something to be hated and eradicated…I hated it and I was using a great deal of my energy and waking hours thinking like this; so many hours because I was confronted with it non stop. What I did not realize was the extent I was impacting my son by sending that much negative energy his way, preventing his recovery or hindering it a great deal and in the process tearing myself down from the inside out. When the idea was first floated to me “to accept his autism” I recoiled a bit…to me acceptance equaled defeat and resignation. Yet something rang true in the statement and I did not reject it outright. I kept thinking about it and after a few weeks and some further reading I realized what I was doing…I was attempting to separate my son from his autism in my mind but my actions and emotions were still being directed at him…he had no way to know how I truly felt and I can look back now and see, though I tried to keep them separate, in my mind the line was often blurred.
Since I firmly grasped this idea a couple of months ago I have experienced the most profound change. I changed my belief about my sons autism from something I must hate and remove from him like a cancer to simply seeing my son…and accepting the autism as part of who he is…loving it as I do him. Now when I look at my son…when I talk to him and hold him the hatred and fear is not in my heart. I have felt this way every day. There are of course moments when he is having a difficult moment…he is in my arms crying unable to tell me what hurts…I feel powerless and wish for the day he is no longer autistic…and its not as if all my problems have disappeared. But the change in this one belief has caused a ripple effect and now I am examining other beliefs. As I said I am still learning how to recognize what the beliefs are I want to change and more importantly why. But I have learned to look for the friction in my life. When I find myself feeling stressed or unhappy I can take a moment and ask myself why? And once I discover the why I can search out the belief. From there I can examine where and why I constructed that belief and test its validity. I can modify it, replace it, or discard it all together if I think it does not serve me. Wow I have been thinking how to do it and there it is right there. The common objection to this is that it sounds too easy….and I asked my self just that question but the answer came to me in a minute or two…yes it is that easy. There are people who do this without thinking about it…who never had to learn it or acknowledge it. I am moving to a place where it becomes second nature but the joy in discovering it is a gift and is something I am grateful for.
From where I am now I can really go to work on myself….creating the inner happiness that was missing before…my path will reveal itself and be that much smoother. In turn I will be able to serve those around me to a fuller extent and I can see no greater potential to be reached than helping my son. The past two months has been a time of great transformation for me…and though I still have not dropped all the baggage I carried with me for years I am learning let it go and I find strength in that. I may not be moving as fast as I would like but my ability is growing exponentially. I am on my way and aware enough now to start enjoying the ride no matter what is going on in my life….I no longer need a sunny day to feel the warmth of the sun.

The light of day

As I have reached a place of acceptance with Griff’s autism the depth and breadth of my vision of the world has expanded a great deal. Not only can I see more I am able to take more information in. Avoidance and fear were taking up so much room…taking up so much of my energy…I had no idea. I thought I was protecting my self. I thought I was giving myself a chance to heal. Well perhaps I was. My first thought was that I was avoiding life and that is somehow a bad thing. I had the belief that my withdrawing from the world was a position of weakness…I was avoiding something and not holding up my end and in turn letting someone else, my son, down. But in doing it I have arrived at where I am now…a truly liberated and powerful place. Living in the bubble has allowed me to process all that I have had going on….the loss, the fear, the anger, the love…all of it. I would periodically step out in to the world to see if I was ready but would often find I was not…the onslaught of information and questions was enough to drive me back inside. Its not as if I wanted to stay exclusive it’s just that I felt, though riddled with guilt, it was serving a purpose. Now that I no longer need to do this I am quickly becoming aware that I will have to deal with a world that will not always share my vision of hope and belief in the recovery of my son. Opinions and thoughtless comments that would have once crush my fragile resolve now seem to bounce off or actually they lay suspended in front of me…where I can examine them taking what is valuable and discarding the rest. The flood of information and stimulus on autism that I once feared and avoided no longer holds the power over me it once did…I can see the value in it and now it makes me stronger. I will be a model for hope, love, and acceptance. My experience is what my boy has been going through. I need only look to myself to understand what he has experiencing. This knowledge has given me a strong sense of compassion and empathy for him…I’m in awe of him…his strength.
I have been thinking lately a lot about my exclusive behavior in relation to Griffen’s: seeking solace and calm by withdrawing inside ourselves and being exclusive. I don’t do it to the extent he has done, or experience the extreme sensitivities to stimulus but the desire to escape has always been strong in me. I think this has become so apparent to me lately because Griffen has grown so rapidly into a social being that he is shining a spot light on my desire to withdraw in the face of overstimulation. He will be playing in the other room and I will go into my office to do something …I will hear him call me “Da!” I’ll acknowledge him but if I don’t come right away he will come into the office, pry his way between me and the key board looking right into my eyes and say "Da!”, Grab my hand and pull me in to the other room. Our roles have reversed! What an opportunity this is giving me to understand not only where he is but where he came from. I have been trying to draw him out to our world…to engage us. For years we have been doing this looking for a glimmer of recognition and once getting it we tried to build on it. All that work, pain, sorrow, joy is paying off. All of a sudden Griff in engaging us more and more and it has left me a little unprepared. I have learned to spend 10 -12 hour days with my non verbal, exclusive boy. I have had hours and hours of one sided conversations. When ever I am out in the world and see someone’s pet I start talking to it like I do Griffen…like they know what I’m saying and want to respond but can’t find the words.
The more I understand my son and his autism the less I fear it…the more accepting of him I become…seeing more and more the value and strength in him. The autism is part of that…a part of him. The closer I get to that point of complete acceptance of who he is…truly living in the moment the closer we will get to recovery. The greater the acceptance the tighter the bond will become between us. I can see it now…the two of us showing each other the way out…stepping into the light together.

One path

I was dialoguing with a friend last night and I had reached an understanding about a belief I was holding on to… “That being content, happy, is a static position and contributes to a lack of ambition.” I have been working at this for sometime and now I can see it as something I can change. Holding this belief up to my past I can see that it is false…moments of my greatest growth and achievement were born from self acceptance…especially the last two months are enough to debunk it. I have never felt more content or at peace with myself…happy…and I am motivated and accomplishing more now than I have for years. I am hungry again.
I have held the belief that contentment is static my entire life…I projected this belief on to all that I did from a place of discontentment. I have judged contentment as negative though I have never truly achieved it with any kind of consistency…a defensive measure I suppose to discredit that which I fail to attain. Who does not want to be content and happy? I simply did not know the path and therefore had to tear it down as something undesirable or unproductive. I can take this model and apply it to other beliefs I hold to help me remove or replace the ones that stand in the way of my happiness.
My conversation with my friend shifted from this topic to that of my inability to effectively communicate with my wife. As we delved into this I felt the resistance on my part to go there…I literally felt my self pulling back. I did not want to dim the high I was feeling from the revelation I had just made…not realizing how connected they were. Thankfully my friend nudged me forward.
I have written about my wife and I putting our relationship on hold…how it has saved us…I truly believe that but it has taken its toll. We have not had the time to invest in developing our communication skills with each other. We were on our way to doing this in the course of our marriage but when Griffen was born the obstacles we faced as a family took more and more of our time and energy and it seemed like a luxury that we could not afford.
I have guilt about this because it interferes with our ability to help our son. Guilt because I have not figured out how to reach her on a deeper level…to bypass the B.S. and communicate without judging and fear…without misunderstanding…. I have anger towards her for not figuring it out on her end. The mind set goes if we would have gotten it together… to break through any walls that still existed then our son would have been closer to recovery.
But this just supports the reason to drop the belief I spoke of….guilt and resentment is doing what I thought contentment and happiness would bring --- inaction. Have I truly tried to reach out to my wife or have I avoided it? Clearly I have avoided it and in doing this I have allowed my lack of understanding of her to breed bitterness thus stifling our ability to communicate on a truly meaningful level. Guilt is not a motivator
How can I change the dynamic of our relationship? --- I can strive to understand how she communicates…to learn from and appreciate it. I can shift my perspective of it as flawed in someway because it does not mesh with how I communicate. I can strive to fully understand myself and how I communicate. From that point of view a greater depth of understanding can be reached. I know there is a way to connect our two approaches…to recognize the strengths in each other….from that place we could find a way to join out of mutual respect. We have become defensive when we delve into deeper subjects…we fail to see what brought us together in the first place and what keeps us together…we focus on what separates us and that is keeping us apart.
I was telling my friend that allowing oneself to be vulnerable is a strength. I said it with conviction because I believe it. Opening yourself up leads to growth and understanding and only builds strength…it’s NOT allowing yourself to be victimized. I believe this yet I realize that I have been reluctant to be vulnerable with a woman I have shared my life with for over 12 years….someone I have experienced so much growth and sorrow. Somewhere we took separate paths though I never realized it because we have always been insight of each other. I don’t want to continue that way. We can move forward…side by side and not have to give up our individual identities. The family bond we share now will only get stronger…contentment and happiness will be a constant. Yea… that sounds like a place I want to be.