Michael

I had a visitor today…two actually. A knock on the door…always exciting in the middle of the day for Griffen and I. I open the door to two Jehovah witnesses standing before us. I get them about once a month or so. I’m always polite, refuse the pamphlet but wish them well. Today was different. There stood two men…Griffen by my side eagerly looking at them…curious to no end. We did the usual greeting and with in 20 seconds the one on my left asks me if Griffen is autistic or has aspbergars. I am always thrown by this when people ask me if Griffen is autistic. It’s like they are playing on a game show “Guess what’s wrong with me?!” I think it’s an incredible selfish, invasive and rude thing to do. But today I did not react I simply asked why he would ask me that…genuinely curious.
He told me that he was autistic. His name was Michael, he was 38 and until he said it I did not notice anything that would make me think he was autistic. I went from guarded to welcoming. I was…for whatever reason happy to meet this guy. I just started talking to him about autism. He told me about himself…we talked about Griffen and I even talked about my own spectrum issues growing up. We stood outside my house for 20 minutes and I got some amazing insight into someone’s life…someone I could relate to on more than one level. A chance encounter but the timing could not have been better….a truly serendipitous occasion.
As we spoke Michael discussed how he relates to the world...the challenges he faces…what he enjoys and what drives him. Who I saw before me was a warm, intelligent and caring man. I have been thinking lately a lot of how I see and have seen the world and my own issues with autism spectrum disorder not to mention Griffen’s. Here was someone who could relate to my son…it was fascinating to hear this grown man talk about his life. Even more amazing was how much I related to him. Some things that drive him…the way he functions in the world I found rang true in my life…we were similar in many ways though I affected to a much lesser degree.
But what I was left with…the thing that really made a mark on me was his attitude towards himself. I have seen a huge shift in awareness towards autism in the last 3 years. This guy is 38 so I can only imagine what it was like for him to grow up. He saw himself as dysfunctional…the way he communicated problematic. Here was a man who saw himself on the outside of life struggling to communicate with those around him. Not only that but he saw himself as flawed. I was looking and listing to him…I saw nothing wrong with him. He simply was who he was…if anything I found him to be more pleasant and enjoyable than most people I meet. I can imagine the messages he has received over the past 38 years. I have experience with this from being teased and ridiculed for the majority of my child hood due to a speech impediment. Negative feedback from the world can have a lasting impact on people…especially from childhood when you are creating an identity for yourself. I don’t know how his family dealt with it but I can only imagine they did not provide him with a strong sense of self…and he still struggles with it still.
I was listing to Michael speak and I began to recall the thoughts I have had recently about how we are raising Griff…and our Son Rise program. Son Rise provided us with opportunity to make life changing altitudinal shifts in how we view Griff and his autism. I have wondered how complete my acceptance of his autism is because I know it is the key to recovery. But today talking with Michael I knew that there may be times I have a hard day and I stray from %100 acceptance but it is there in my heart. I came to the realization that my attitude and acceptance of who Griffen is…in tandem with my unrelenting belief that he can accomplish anything is the foundation for his future happiness…he is not bound by the diagnosis of autism and that he is now and always will be a complete person no matter where he is on the spectrum. I looked at Michael…I have thought of him all day and I could see where having this attitude around him would have changed the course of his life. He told me how isolated he is…how he struggles to communicate with the rest of the world. This is a man with three kids and an ex wife….not stuck in some home taken to be aired out once in a while…he has a life. My god have I felt like this! This guy is me but an amplified version.
He would issue a negative statement about himself and I would offer him a positive one. He kept talking about how he could not read social cues and people would be upset by his persistent questions and clarifications. As if he was trying to prove them wrong when all he was actually doing is get to the truth. The truth…being correct is everything to him. He saw this as a flaw in himself. I saw it as simply who he is…his way of communicating and a perfectly valid one at that. How people responded to him was out of his control and not his fault. This seemed a completely new idea to him…one I did not have time to explore with him. But I offered him the idea of that and suggested the opportunity for him to work on recognizing social cues in others. Again this seemed not to register with him…like he thought he was set in stone…his ways were there and would not change. I think this is false.
I felt a connection to this man and he felt one with me. It was gift for me on a rainy day….in a time I have been questioning my own worthiness and a father and a man. I could see he wanted to continue. We both expressed our thankfulness of our meeting. I could see he wanted to continue the conversation so I gave him my number. I hope he calls. There are many things I would like to ask him but most of all I saw an opportunity to make a friend.