Nuthead

Spending as much time as I have in the house with Griff…in the bubble has certainly taken its toll on me. The past three months I have had the opportunity to see my reflection. I have witnessed the love and creativity I want and can give to the world…it was inspiring. I thought for a long time much was lost to me…lost because it had been so long since I had felt it but seeing this in me gave me hope. I also had a chance to see parts of myself I am none too proud of. The emotions and beliefs from the past…ones that no longer serve me but I still allow them to exist and influence my life. These two sides of me have been battling it out these past months and it has been exhausting. It got to the point where I did not know which way was up…what was truth and what was fantasy. I finally had to take a step back to try figure things out. That was today and it was painful because I had to let someone go who I love very much. All day I had an emptiness inside…my breathing shallow never being able to make the feeling go away...suffocating

I went to a workshop on Privately Developed Programs for Griff. The workshop explains how to comply with state law when home schooling your kid. I sat through the workshop with this emptiness inside me…listing…taking notes…trying to concentrate and not think about what I had just walked away from. Then something amazing happened. I started speaking about our Son Rise Program. It’s as if everything dropped away and I was able to think about only this and all the joy and happiness it has helped reveal in our lives. The class got out and I spoke with a few parents about it. I felt passionate in what I spoke about and they felt this from me…one woman was laughing nervously and backing away from me…hee hee…saying it sounded like religion. I said something about me being my own god and the religion she referred to was nothing but love and acceptance…but I think I had lost her at that point :-) But the other two I felt move closer to me…they were eager to hear. I felt connected to them….it’s something that has been missing from my life for so long. I’m ready to get out into the world …I’m ready for volunteers…ready to step out from the safety of these four walls.

I have had some amazing connections with people on the internet and I am thankful for it and their friendship. But there has been no balance in this. Today inspired me to take that huge step I have been waiting to be ready for. I retreated within myself these past few months…I became a distorted image of myself….always me but after years of life in the bubble I was not living in ideal circumstances to reach my full potential.

I see this for myself and Griffen. We have lived a life a certain way thus far because it’s what he has needed. But now we are all ready for a change…we have grown out of our skin. We are all ready to move on. I see life being very different for all of us and it’s exciting. Griff has made some amazing progress these past months…we are all growing so much.

Today was a gift…and it all changed for me in a few minutes when I talked about something I felt passion for. I decided a few months ago I would seek to express myself in the world as I am and not hold back. I haven’t been doing this…not to the measure that satisfies me. Today was a reminder to take another step in that direction.

The emptiness did not return though I still feel the loss. In letting go I feel now I have taken a step closer to this person….and this makes me happy.