I have spent this year trying to uncover and examine myself in search of self acceptance. It has been an amazing time for me. I have experienced such growth. Yet I find myself today utterly alone and vulnerable. All this self examination can unearth things you sometimes wish would stay hidden. I came face to face with a part of myself I am struggling to understand. I thought I had moved beyond this part of me but it has resurfaced. I don’t need or want to give details…it comes down to my feelings of self worth. I can’t seem to break through to understand this. Each time I feel I gained ground life brings something new along and I discover that there is still more work to be done.
I lost something today and my heart is breaking. I feel the only way to move beyond the pain is to let it go and move on but in this I am not sure. I feel in walking away from it I am giving up an opportunity to learn and grow. But I don’t know if I can stand the pain and the heart ache I think I would have to endure. I don’t know what to do.
Griffen is blossoming while I flounder by his side. I can see the me that is together doing all that I need to do…he is just out of reach though and I feel like my feet are moving through molasses
I can see myself put one foot in front of the other and move on from this place but today…right now…I feel like I have lost so much ground. Each moment from now I will gain more momentum and look back on this day but now all I can think of what I have lost…I hurt.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Attached
Yesterday I set an intention to love and accept myself and those around me. I have been striving for this for months now but many times it gets away from me and I lose sight of the importance of love and acceptance in my life. Yesterday I had it at the top of my mind and it helped…to put it out there to the world. Several times I felt myself beginning to judge something or someone and I was able to bring myself out of it with out judging myself in the process and look at what…or who I was about to judge….I took in what I saw and decided to accept it for what it was and see that there was value there…even if I could not see it...I acknowledged there was still value from a perspective other than mine. I was happier for it especially when it came to Griffen. Lately his autism has been hard on me. I knew I was creating the pain I was feeling but even knowing this I could not see a way out of it. I could hear the words “love and acceptance” but I was unable to feel them
So today I wake up and contemplate my day. I decide I want to carry this idea of love and acceptance further. I have been thinking a great deal these past weeks about my place in the world. Examining where and how I can begin to replenish myself….to begin to invest back in me and build a life for myself again so I have something to give to my family and the world around me. There are aspects of my life I want to change. So I wanted to set an intention of loving and accepting my life now…all of it. There is much I want to do with myself…things I want to examine but I have had trouble with this. I have been creating my goals in a vacuum. As soon as I bring them out of isolation and lay them up against my life they get lost amid the demands on me now…achieving these goals seems far away or impossible and the frustration, sorrow, anger I feel cripples me in acting on my goals and living my life in the present. But when has life ever been so smooth…I could wait for an eternity for a peaceful undistracted moment to carry them out.
All this got me thinking. There are things I want to change in me and with the way my life is structured. I have been looking at the end result then jump back to where I am now and the path between the two is unrecognizable. I realized I have been so attached to what I want to change I have been neglecting the present and it is the present moment that will get me to wherever I am going. I created a place I wanted to be and I became so attached to it I lost perspective on everything…to the point of paralysis setting in. I can get anywhere I want to go but it means putting one foot in front of the other. And that next step is always in the present. I sat there this morning trying to articulate this into 420 characters (face book limit) and even with twice that I could not convey the idea that was rolling around in my head…which was: I want to focus on the present…invest myself fully in the right now. It is not as I fear…that if I do this I will give up my dreams and goals for the future…but instead it will give me the strength and the clarity to see where to plant that next step. Where I want to go will be part of who I am now…not separate from it…so what I do now matters and avoiding it will only create more distance from where I want to go.
So I was reading my book, Zhuan Falun, in the park today and I read this:
“…the more you pursue them, the less you get. It is because you are pursuing something. Pursuit itself is an attachment. In cultivation practice, attachments are what need to be eliminated”… Li Hongzhi. It all made sense to me in that moment. I have become attached to so much in my life…what I want out of it. I set my sights on it and grab on. It’s as if I am squeezing a bar of soap in the shower….it keeps getting away from me. The tighter I hold on the further away it moves from me. Yet I have kept pursuing these things I want trying to hold on tighter and tighter and they just slip away. My god…I have been doing this my whole life.
This is something I have learned before but I had failed to see it in recent weeks. I have thrown myself into an eddy of attachment where I just keep going round and round. Goals are important…I find when I set an intention I can do the most amazing things. But it’s the attachment to the end result that is what I want to let go of. I came back from Option and I have been trying to create a future for myself but in doing so…creating a vision I became attached to it and I lost the ability to act effectively in the present and in doing this I jeopardize what I seek. I have spent the last few days realizing I am losing it all…the present and the future I desire. Focusing on Griffen’s recovery does not have to leave me with out a life today or goals. I can keep an eye on where I want to go but I don’t have to blind myself to the present with attachment.
This is what has been getting in the way of my role in Griffen’s recovery. Yes because I felt I would have to give up so much of myself and felt that I had already. I still maintained a sense of martyrdom…forgetting the lesson I have learned that I do what I want to do. There is always a choice. I have involved myself so deeply in Griff’s recovery because that was my choice. I want to take responsibility for this. If I choose…I can see that all the energy I invest in him I also invest in myself…we grow together and both will end up where we are meant to be.
So today I wake up and contemplate my day. I decide I want to carry this idea of love and acceptance further. I have been thinking a great deal these past weeks about my place in the world. Examining where and how I can begin to replenish myself….to begin to invest back in me and build a life for myself again so I have something to give to my family and the world around me. There are aspects of my life I want to change. So I wanted to set an intention of loving and accepting my life now…all of it. There is much I want to do with myself…things I want to examine but I have had trouble with this. I have been creating my goals in a vacuum. As soon as I bring them out of isolation and lay them up against my life they get lost amid the demands on me now…achieving these goals seems far away or impossible and the frustration, sorrow, anger I feel cripples me in acting on my goals and living my life in the present. But when has life ever been so smooth…I could wait for an eternity for a peaceful undistracted moment to carry them out.
All this got me thinking. There are things I want to change in me and with the way my life is structured. I have been looking at the end result then jump back to where I am now and the path between the two is unrecognizable. I realized I have been so attached to what I want to change I have been neglecting the present and it is the present moment that will get me to wherever I am going. I created a place I wanted to be and I became so attached to it I lost perspective on everything…to the point of paralysis setting in. I can get anywhere I want to go but it means putting one foot in front of the other. And that next step is always in the present. I sat there this morning trying to articulate this into 420 characters (face book limit) and even with twice that I could not convey the idea that was rolling around in my head…which was: I want to focus on the present…invest myself fully in the right now. It is not as I fear…that if I do this I will give up my dreams and goals for the future…but instead it will give me the strength and the clarity to see where to plant that next step. Where I want to go will be part of who I am now…not separate from it…so what I do now matters and avoiding it will only create more distance from where I want to go.
So I was reading my book, Zhuan Falun, in the park today and I read this:
“…the more you pursue them, the less you get. It is because you are pursuing something. Pursuit itself is an attachment. In cultivation practice, attachments are what need to be eliminated”… Li Hongzhi. It all made sense to me in that moment. I have become attached to so much in my life…what I want out of it. I set my sights on it and grab on. It’s as if I am squeezing a bar of soap in the shower….it keeps getting away from me. The tighter I hold on the further away it moves from me. Yet I have kept pursuing these things I want trying to hold on tighter and tighter and they just slip away. My god…I have been doing this my whole life.
This is something I have learned before but I had failed to see it in recent weeks. I have thrown myself into an eddy of attachment where I just keep going round and round. Goals are important…I find when I set an intention I can do the most amazing things. But it’s the attachment to the end result that is what I want to let go of. I came back from Option and I have been trying to create a future for myself but in doing so…creating a vision I became attached to it and I lost the ability to act effectively in the present and in doing this I jeopardize what I seek. I have spent the last few days realizing I am losing it all…the present and the future I desire. Focusing on Griffen’s recovery does not have to leave me with out a life today or goals. I can keep an eye on where I want to go but I don’t have to blind myself to the present with attachment.
This is what has been getting in the way of my role in Griffen’s recovery. Yes because I felt I would have to give up so much of myself and felt that I had already. I still maintained a sense of martyrdom…forgetting the lesson I have learned that I do what I want to do. There is always a choice. I have involved myself so deeply in Griff’s recovery because that was my choice. I want to take responsibility for this. If I choose…I can see that all the energy I invest in him I also invest in myself…we grow together and both will end up where we are meant to be.
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