I have been feeling lost lately…like I have been set a drift. After returning home from my Son-Rise trip I had a new focus and a different outlook than when I left. The world looked different…the colors had changed. My house…my office felt different. I had this intense feeling …a drive that was strong and I wanted to feed it. I was reading every night and writing. I was focused on learning about Son Rise and exploring myself and the obstacles I had created in my life. I was reaching out to those around me….I felt connected. Something I had not felt in a very long time. I immediately felt my life working its way back in…the distractions…I fought it. The thing is nothing has changed for me but somehow the world has shifted and it all looks different again. I wasn’t ready for this…I didn’t want it to change, at least not yet. I was enjoying myself…I was learning and exploring something new and it was exciting. My focus on Griffen has not shifted…the energy I put forth to his recovery is the same or stronger but my direction has had to switch from Son Rise to the new diet and I feel like I let my guard down…for a second in the transition…and my life that I was able to keep at bay came rushing at me. The sanctuary I had created for a few hours a night has been disrupted…lost and it has left me feeling exposed.
I directed all my energy into the new diet because a window appeared that would allow us to finally start it. I applied myself and we were successful so why am I not celebrating? Have I not moved closer to my goal of recovering my son? I think it comes from the fact that I was so entwined in the Son Rise approach. I was learning how to create a bond with my son but at the same time I was discovering so much about myself. Since I have had to step back from that self exploration I am feeling the vacancy it left. I had discovered something that was making me stronger and that had helped me to break free of the rut I was in. I don’t fear that I’ll some how return to where I was before my awakening but I want to get back to that place…that place of security and light. But right now it feels out of reach.
I am traveling on a parallel path. I am now fully involved in learning and creating our new diet. It’s something that is vitally important to Griff’s recovery but no matter how many hours I spend in the kitchen I feel like I’m not being productive. I know I am nourishing our bodies and finally starting the process of truly healing his gut. But I’m not nourishing my mind. I can see that path next to me but can’t walk them both at the same time. Nourishing my mind was giving me my newly discovered energy. I was given the gift of clarity and direction…something I was lacking and I was able to engage my mind by exploring myself and my son. It was exhilarating and the energy I was able to create fed on itself. There are not enough hours in the day for me to do both or so it appears to me now. I know I will reach a rhythm with the food and I will be able to free up some time but though I’m feeding the body I feel as if I’m starving my soul and I need both to carry on.
As in life…all is connected with a life of autism. You can’t pull on one string with out another feeling the tension. Every thing we do with Griff, with in our four walls, affects him in some new way. Mostly positively but you never know until you give that first tug or two. The diet is important but so is our son rise program…he needs both to recover…both to work simultaneously. I know the day will come when they will be humming along but now…trying to learn and start the two…I’m feeling the stress and the weight of it all. I have all the pieces of the puzzle….I’ve started to put it together but I have reached a point where I’m looking at them and they all look the same to me. I can no longer tell which is the next piece to place or even if there is any order to them at all. I’m being told just to take a step…any step but I cling to the idea that there is a natural order of progression I must follow….even when I have lost sight of what it is. That has left me stuck.
I have discovered, with the help of a friend, that I am unwilling to step out of my comfort zone to accomplish this. And it’s true and I can not understand why it is so hard to see these simple truths at times. I’m scared…scared to move on. It must be the added weight. Perhaps I have a fear I’ll buckle under it. I feel like I’m holding up as much as I can now. With all we have going on implementing the new diet was intense. Our bodies are adjusting to a change in food and dealing with Griff’s reaction has added a new set of challenges. The thought of stepping out of my comfort zone is wholly unappealing. I don’t know where I will get the energy or time to train volunteers to free up the time I need to accomplish the next step. I suppose it’s like writing…you have to be willing to let go of the first draft…edit edit edit. But I lose that editorial perspective when it comes to my life. My routine changes every few days as Griffen’s needs change or we hit an obstacle. I can create room one day and a few days later our life shifts and the plan I created goes out the window. I need to create a continuous thread in my life…something that does not change…something that I can carry within me everyday that will get me closer to my goal of recovery….that will help me stay focused on the gains I have made. I have tried to do this in the past but I always make it something tangible which I now think is a mistake. I know my life is too unpredictable to establish some routine that involves me doing something. I need it to be a mental exercise…a thought that will be a constant…something that will propel me forward and is unaffected by the life outside my mind. I felt I was on my way there. I was side tracked but now I have to fight to create a single path where I can learn and accomplish the parts I must play, dad, husband, teacher, student, chef, friend, and make some room for me. I know it’s possible. I know I have it in me. I just need to take the step outside the comfort zone…I know that’s where the growth takes place. Success lies on the outside. I think I need to find the strength to be vulnerable but something is telling me the strength is the reward one gets after making that first step. Ok…I can do that…if not for myself then for my son.
Rejection and ridicule is basically what I fear…my efforts not being validated…the in-hospitable world tearing down my self worth. That’s the underlying belief I have that prevents me from taking that first step. A few months ago I tried taking that first step and lost a friend in the process…discovering that after a 25 year friendship there was nothing connecting us anymore. I took a step outside my comfort zone and lost a friend so I withdrew back. But I can see it wasn’t something lost but something gained. That friendship felt like an empty shell for a long time. The connection became a reminder of something lost but without the closure. I could not see that until now. I lost the friend long ago but now I have gained the ability to move on from it. It’s true then…the strength does follow the act. Yes…I can take another step…they only will get easier…this I know….I can feel it.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The weight
We started the GAPS diet today. I have been preparing for this day for over a week…cooking and studying the diet and recipes. I feel I have a pretty firm grasp on it all…at least enough to get going. I had high hopes though I knew it would be a struggle for Griff. We may have pushed too hard and expected too much. We knew he would boycott food but he refused to drink any water (he is used to apple cider and water mixed). I thought he would come around but by the end of the day we started to consider dehydration and we did not want to go there. So we gave in and gave him his drink and decided to work on just the food and gradually wean him of the juice. This of course means we have to start form square one again once we get him off it.
But I was angry with my wife. I had put so much energy for over a week learning the recipes…buying the food and cooking my ass off to get this going. The diet is a key ingredient in Griff’s recovery. Food has been an important part of his growth and we have been working towards this moment for two and a half years. Finally we are ready to put the final piece of the food puzzle into place. I was prepared and positive…I knew it would be a struggle but staying positive is everything. The last couple of days leading up to today I felt that Rebecca was expressing worry and doubt openly in front of Griffen…I could not believe it…I tried to remind her to stay positive and that it would be ok but I have been getting a negative vibe from her for a few days. We both know this is important and the time is now. I was so angry with her …she would not let her fear go and if I was feeling it I know Griff , who has a super radar for all of our emotions, was picking it up. I felt she was sabotaging our efforts. After all we have been through….I was pissed off. But I, the new Tim, held on to it for a while without just letting my emotions spill out onto the floor.
While Rebecca was putting our limp and tired boy to bed I was festering in my anger…chopping vegetables and preparing my beef soup (which is delicious) and I started to remember how far we have come, how far I have come. Rebecca and I have always relied on each other to pick up the slack where the other leaves off. I have my strengths and she has hers…we try to adapt them to split up the work it takes to keep it all going. I have been realizing more and more over the past 6 months how much I have relied on her to take care of things I could not handle at the time. Early on when Griff’s autism was going full force and our emotions were just shredded every day….reeling from the shock of it all I retreated from it at times and left Rebecca with more than her share…she was the strong one back then…she held the line on days when I had trouble coping. I had been forgetting that as my growth has accelerated. I have always looked to her for guidance…relied on her too much when I felt out of my depth. It has led me to expect more from her than she is able to give. I wanted her to carry the weight I could not… never thinking maybe she was looking to me to do the same for her. Something’s have fallen through the cracks as a result of this…and that I think is normal…to be expected. But I have come into my own in regards to Griff and his autism and the roles have reversed. Rebecca is looking to me to shoulder some of the weight she has been carrying….the problem for me arose when I expected her to still be leading the fight. I have found it with in myself to take a leadership role…I am ready and want to do it…hungry for it but I have forgotten to unburden her of the weight that this role assumes. I have been missing the opportunity to relieve some of the weight she has been managing so she can move on to other things…other aspects of her self and family that need attending to. I have been shifting my perspective of my role in the family but letting my perspective of her stay static….not only is that not productive but it’s unfair.
So I was making the soup and feeling myself get upset but I realized this thought process will lead me nowhere. It will not move me closer to my goal. I was choosing to be unhappy. Now why would I do that? I was blaming her for Griffen not drinking…why? I wanted so badly for this weekend to be a total success…I had done my part so I was covered. I thought her part was to be supportive and positive and that would be enough. When she expressed some doubt I was quick to blame her for it not going to plan. She needed me to support her when she was having a moment of doubt…like we all do. But instead I blamed and distanced myself from her. I wanted to blame someone…not me…not Griff; a crappy thing to do…weak. So I realized instead of getting upset I could work on the problem…we could reach a compromise with Griff. No it had not gone to plan but it was not a loss either….we have come so far…the diet is still going to be implemented. We can adapt to the situation…we are good at that, her and I …Griff too. I have so much hope invested in this diet…and for good reason ...the diet kicks butt….but I allowed myself to transfer the underlying fear I had of the diet not working to anger directed towards my wife when I was up against it. I’m still not embracing my fears….not running up to them and examining them to find out their source…to question them and find the belief that supports that fear….and ultimately change or disregard the belief. But I am learning to move closer to this place of understanding…learning to become more aware.
I have been feeling the distance this past week from Son Rise, my writing and reading. The diet, the food prep has taken all of my time and when my energy is diverted away from my son rise path I feel the fear…the fear of losing a grasp on the growth and progress I have made…the fear of losing the forward momentum. I have tapped into something in me and I don’t want to lose sight of it ever again….I don’t want to run from it like I have most of my life. Every day I get closer to losing that fear. Every day I get closer to the mind set of love and acceptance of all things.
My wife is an amazing woman and has taught me so much…she has supported me in many ways and helped me to grow…she believed in me when I did not believe in myself…I want to be there for her in whatever way she needs me to be. I want to love and accept her for who she is at any moment…
But I was angry with my wife. I had put so much energy for over a week learning the recipes…buying the food and cooking my ass off to get this going. The diet is a key ingredient in Griff’s recovery. Food has been an important part of his growth and we have been working towards this moment for two and a half years. Finally we are ready to put the final piece of the food puzzle into place. I was prepared and positive…I knew it would be a struggle but staying positive is everything. The last couple of days leading up to today I felt that Rebecca was expressing worry and doubt openly in front of Griffen…I could not believe it…I tried to remind her to stay positive and that it would be ok but I have been getting a negative vibe from her for a few days. We both know this is important and the time is now. I was so angry with her …she would not let her fear go and if I was feeling it I know Griff , who has a super radar for all of our emotions, was picking it up. I felt she was sabotaging our efforts. After all we have been through….I was pissed off. But I, the new Tim, held on to it for a while without just letting my emotions spill out onto the floor.
While Rebecca was putting our limp and tired boy to bed I was festering in my anger…chopping vegetables and preparing my beef soup (which is delicious) and I started to remember how far we have come, how far I have come. Rebecca and I have always relied on each other to pick up the slack where the other leaves off. I have my strengths and she has hers…we try to adapt them to split up the work it takes to keep it all going. I have been realizing more and more over the past 6 months how much I have relied on her to take care of things I could not handle at the time. Early on when Griff’s autism was going full force and our emotions were just shredded every day….reeling from the shock of it all I retreated from it at times and left Rebecca with more than her share…she was the strong one back then…she held the line on days when I had trouble coping. I had been forgetting that as my growth has accelerated. I have always looked to her for guidance…relied on her too much when I felt out of my depth. It has led me to expect more from her than she is able to give. I wanted her to carry the weight I could not… never thinking maybe she was looking to me to do the same for her. Something’s have fallen through the cracks as a result of this…and that I think is normal…to be expected. But I have come into my own in regards to Griff and his autism and the roles have reversed. Rebecca is looking to me to shoulder some of the weight she has been carrying….the problem for me arose when I expected her to still be leading the fight. I have found it with in myself to take a leadership role…I am ready and want to do it…hungry for it but I have forgotten to unburden her of the weight that this role assumes. I have been missing the opportunity to relieve some of the weight she has been managing so she can move on to other things…other aspects of her self and family that need attending to. I have been shifting my perspective of my role in the family but letting my perspective of her stay static….not only is that not productive but it’s unfair.
So I was making the soup and feeling myself get upset but I realized this thought process will lead me nowhere. It will not move me closer to my goal. I was choosing to be unhappy. Now why would I do that? I was blaming her for Griffen not drinking…why? I wanted so badly for this weekend to be a total success…I had done my part so I was covered. I thought her part was to be supportive and positive and that would be enough. When she expressed some doubt I was quick to blame her for it not going to plan. She needed me to support her when she was having a moment of doubt…like we all do. But instead I blamed and distanced myself from her. I wanted to blame someone…not me…not Griff; a crappy thing to do…weak. So I realized instead of getting upset I could work on the problem…we could reach a compromise with Griff. No it had not gone to plan but it was not a loss either….we have come so far…the diet is still going to be implemented. We can adapt to the situation…we are good at that, her and I …Griff too. I have so much hope invested in this diet…and for good reason ...the diet kicks butt….but I allowed myself to transfer the underlying fear I had of the diet not working to anger directed towards my wife when I was up against it. I’m still not embracing my fears….not running up to them and examining them to find out their source…to question them and find the belief that supports that fear….and ultimately change or disregard the belief. But I am learning to move closer to this place of understanding…learning to become more aware.
I have been feeling the distance this past week from Son Rise, my writing and reading. The diet, the food prep has taken all of my time and when my energy is diverted away from my son rise path I feel the fear…the fear of losing a grasp on the growth and progress I have made…the fear of losing the forward momentum. I have tapped into something in me and I don’t want to lose sight of it ever again….I don’t want to run from it like I have most of my life. Every day I get closer to losing that fear. Every day I get closer to the mind set of love and acceptance of all things.
My wife is an amazing woman and has taught me so much…she has supported me in many ways and helped me to grow…she believed in me when I did not believe in myself…I want to be there for her in whatever way she needs me to be. I want to love and accept her for who she is at any moment…
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Ripple
I have been starting the process of examining the beliefs I hold and how well they serve me. I may have understood this on some elementary level in the past but I never had the knowledge that I had the power to change my beliefs. Nor did I ever realize how much of on impact my beliefs had on how I view the world…they are how I see the world. In writing this I see the simplicity of it but in practice I have just accepted my beliefs as who I am and how I am never considering that I can discard those which do not serve my best interests.
I have just begun to wrap my mind around this and my exploration into my beliefs is in its infancy but already I feel the change. The most profound change has come with my change in how I view Griffen’s autism. I was amazed how easy the shift was. I had believed Griffen’s autism was a curse, something to be hated and eradicated…I hated it and I was using a great deal of my energy and waking hours thinking like this; so many hours because I was confronted with it non stop. What I did not realize was the extent I was impacting my son by sending that much negative energy his way, preventing his recovery or hindering it a great deal and in the process tearing myself down from the inside out. When the idea was first floated to me “to accept his autism” I recoiled a bit…to me acceptance equaled defeat and resignation. Yet something rang true in the statement and I did not reject it outright. I kept thinking about it and after a few weeks and some further reading I realized what I was doing…I was attempting to separate my son from his autism in my mind but my actions and emotions were still being directed at him…he had no way to know how I truly felt and I can look back now and see, though I tried to keep them separate, in my mind the line was often blurred.
Since I firmly grasped this idea a couple of months ago I have experienced the most profound change. I changed my belief about my sons autism from something I must hate and remove from him like a cancer to simply seeing my son…and accepting the autism as part of who he is…loving it as I do him. Now when I look at my son…when I talk to him and hold him the hatred and fear is not in my heart. I have felt this way every day. There are of course moments when he is having a difficult moment…he is in my arms crying unable to tell me what hurts…I feel powerless and wish for the day he is no longer autistic…and its not as if all my problems have disappeared. But the change in this one belief has caused a ripple effect and now I am examining other beliefs. As I said I am still learning how to recognize what the beliefs are I want to change and more importantly why. But I have learned to look for the friction in my life. When I find myself feeling stressed or unhappy I can take a moment and ask myself why? And once I discover the why I can search out the belief. From there I can examine where and why I constructed that belief and test its validity. I can modify it, replace it, or discard it all together if I think it does not serve me. Wow I have been thinking how to do it and there it is right there. The common objection to this is that it sounds too easy….and I asked my self just that question but the answer came to me in a minute or two…yes it is that easy. There are people who do this without thinking about it…who never had to learn it or acknowledge it. I am moving to a place where it becomes second nature but the joy in discovering it is a gift and is something I am grateful for.
From where I am now I can really go to work on myself….creating the inner happiness that was missing before…my path will reveal itself and be that much smoother. In turn I will be able to serve those around me to a fuller extent and I can see no greater potential to be reached than helping my son. The past two months has been a time of great transformation for me…and though I still have not dropped all the baggage I carried with me for years I am learning let it go and I find strength in that. I may not be moving as fast as I would like but my ability is growing exponentially. I am on my way and aware enough now to start enjoying the ride no matter what is going on in my life….I no longer need a sunny day to feel the warmth of the sun.
I have just begun to wrap my mind around this and my exploration into my beliefs is in its infancy but already I feel the change. The most profound change has come with my change in how I view Griffen’s autism. I was amazed how easy the shift was. I had believed Griffen’s autism was a curse, something to be hated and eradicated…I hated it and I was using a great deal of my energy and waking hours thinking like this; so many hours because I was confronted with it non stop. What I did not realize was the extent I was impacting my son by sending that much negative energy his way, preventing his recovery or hindering it a great deal and in the process tearing myself down from the inside out. When the idea was first floated to me “to accept his autism” I recoiled a bit…to me acceptance equaled defeat and resignation. Yet something rang true in the statement and I did not reject it outright. I kept thinking about it and after a few weeks and some further reading I realized what I was doing…I was attempting to separate my son from his autism in my mind but my actions and emotions were still being directed at him…he had no way to know how I truly felt and I can look back now and see, though I tried to keep them separate, in my mind the line was often blurred.
Since I firmly grasped this idea a couple of months ago I have experienced the most profound change. I changed my belief about my sons autism from something I must hate and remove from him like a cancer to simply seeing my son…and accepting the autism as part of who he is…loving it as I do him. Now when I look at my son…when I talk to him and hold him the hatred and fear is not in my heart. I have felt this way every day. There are of course moments when he is having a difficult moment…he is in my arms crying unable to tell me what hurts…I feel powerless and wish for the day he is no longer autistic…and its not as if all my problems have disappeared. But the change in this one belief has caused a ripple effect and now I am examining other beliefs. As I said I am still learning how to recognize what the beliefs are I want to change and more importantly why. But I have learned to look for the friction in my life. When I find myself feeling stressed or unhappy I can take a moment and ask myself why? And once I discover the why I can search out the belief. From there I can examine where and why I constructed that belief and test its validity. I can modify it, replace it, or discard it all together if I think it does not serve me. Wow I have been thinking how to do it and there it is right there. The common objection to this is that it sounds too easy….and I asked my self just that question but the answer came to me in a minute or two…yes it is that easy. There are people who do this without thinking about it…who never had to learn it or acknowledge it. I am moving to a place where it becomes second nature but the joy in discovering it is a gift and is something I am grateful for.
From where I am now I can really go to work on myself….creating the inner happiness that was missing before…my path will reveal itself and be that much smoother. In turn I will be able to serve those around me to a fuller extent and I can see no greater potential to be reached than helping my son. The past two months has been a time of great transformation for me…and though I still have not dropped all the baggage I carried with me for years I am learning let it go and I find strength in that. I may not be moving as fast as I would like but my ability is growing exponentially. I am on my way and aware enough now to start enjoying the ride no matter what is going on in my life….I no longer need a sunny day to feel the warmth of the sun.
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