Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A Smile
I had this great thought today. I was driving past a baseball field….4 diamonds clustered together. Lots of people out on a warm sunny spring day to watch there families play baseball. I had this image of taking Griff to a baseball game…he was older like…9 or 10. We’re sitting in our seats and he just looks up at me and gives me a smile…a smile that says “I’m content and happy to be here with you dad”. That’s all…it filled with me hope.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Rocket Man
I woke up the other day and crawled into bed with Griff while he still slept and the oddest thing occurred to me. I am a Super Hero…or like one. A Super Hero discovering what he is capable of. As I was laying there I saw myself as the Greatest American Hero. For those old enough to remember he was the average guy who was delivered a Super Hero suit by aliens only to loose the instruction manual. He did good deeds and righted wrongs but he never got the hang of the suit…flying off into bushes…not landing gracefully…doing things he had no intention of. But it always worked out in the end…the bad guys got caught and though he never prospered in a material sense he was always happy in the end.
A Super Hero…a force of nature...the same thing I think. I was looking at my boy sleeping peacefully in the morning…his sweet face…calm and perfect. I thought of all I have been trying to do and how a lot of it misses the mark…or feels as though it does. At times being lost and unsure of what to do…not knowing what works but having to rely on my gut because there are no guarantees…no “do this and he will recover”. I was thinking today while I was trying to make this palatable blend of, fish oil, sauerkraut juice, his probiotic, and blended cauliflower. I’m spreading this concoction on a meat ball thinking “Jesus is this going to work?” He was out side throwing sand into the air so he could see the cloud dust and saying “Smoke!” but it was coming out “Snoke!” He was having a blast emptying the sandbox on to the lawn. But for me it was one of those moments I questioned what I was doing. He has not done this “ism” for two or three years. I know he is taking care of him self but for a couple of hours I was fighting it in my mind. My moment of triumph came when instead of slipping into self pity and frustration I was able to recall what I have been learning: all we have is now…this moment and that and I can trust in myself and know that I am doing the right thing for me and him right now based on what I know today. He is doing the best he can….I know that but reminding myself that I am to…that and truly believing it…this helped me gain the perspective I needed to enjoy my day…regardless of what Griff was doing or not doing. Once I did that I could embrace him again. I could walk out to the sand box and join him…be happy for him…the fear…my fear…was not there keeping us apart. And as soon as I let that wall disappear he engaged me…and let all the growth he has achieved shine through. His body has been going through a lot lately with all the changes in diet and he has needed to retreat into himself at times. Some old behaviors have resurfaced…and I have at times let them trigger some of those old fears that only succeed in driving him further away and lake me miserable. But when I choose to love and accept him he makes the effort to reach out and connect. It is really the most amazing thing to witness.
So here I was staring at my son seeing myself as a Greatest American Hero of sorts…struggling to do good…trying to do the right thing …fumbling and crashing into things because I lack the instructions…but then, in a moment of clarity, I could see how I am actually evolving into a true super hero…the comic book ideal. All the work we have done these 6 years…the past 4 months of me trying to wrap my mind around the Option process…not just to understand it but to begin to live it. Not only say I love and accept myself and my son but feel it…breathe it. I could see it happening…not arriving at full super hero status yet…but I could look back on the fumbling dad who is lost and see the changes that have taken place. I could see myself on my way to being that Super Hero dad…that force of nature for my son. Like all super heroes…I am flawed and have weaknesses but I have direction and purpose…not needing an instruction book but acting from trust and acceptance of Self. With out realizing it I have been living in the moment more than I thought. I have been studying and focusing on what I want to accomplish and learn that I had not realized how far I have come. Staring into his sleeping face I felt a real sense of accomplishment and that made me happy. And where I once thought this happiness would make me complacent it only drives me on and emboldens me to try even harder…to reach a little more inside myself when I have those moments of fear and self doubt. I am learning to trust myself…learning to let go of my fears. Each day I am moving closer to the ideal…and knowing that I never have to reach it in order to be happy and help my son…but that the constant striving for it is enough.
A Super Hero…a force of nature...the same thing I think. I was looking at my boy sleeping peacefully in the morning…his sweet face…calm and perfect. I thought of all I have been trying to do and how a lot of it misses the mark…or feels as though it does. At times being lost and unsure of what to do…not knowing what works but having to rely on my gut because there are no guarantees…no “do this and he will recover”. I was thinking today while I was trying to make this palatable blend of, fish oil, sauerkraut juice, his probiotic, and blended cauliflower. I’m spreading this concoction on a meat ball thinking “Jesus is this going to work?” He was out side throwing sand into the air so he could see the cloud dust and saying “Smoke!” but it was coming out “Snoke!” He was having a blast emptying the sandbox on to the lawn. But for me it was one of those moments I questioned what I was doing. He has not done this “ism” for two or three years. I know he is taking care of him self but for a couple of hours I was fighting it in my mind. My moment of triumph came when instead of slipping into self pity and frustration I was able to recall what I have been learning: all we have is now…this moment and that and I can trust in myself and know that I am doing the right thing for me and him right now based on what I know today. He is doing the best he can….I know that but reminding myself that I am to…that and truly believing it…this helped me gain the perspective I needed to enjoy my day…regardless of what Griff was doing or not doing. Once I did that I could embrace him again. I could walk out to the sand box and join him…be happy for him…the fear…my fear…was not there keeping us apart. And as soon as I let that wall disappear he engaged me…and let all the growth he has achieved shine through. His body has been going through a lot lately with all the changes in diet and he has needed to retreat into himself at times. Some old behaviors have resurfaced…and I have at times let them trigger some of those old fears that only succeed in driving him further away and lake me miserable. But when I choose to love and accept him he makes the effort to reach out and connect. It is really the most amazing thing to witness.
So here I was staring at my son seeing myself as a Greatest American Hero of sorts…struggling to do good…trying to do the right thing …fumbling and crashing into things because I lack the instructions…but then, in a moment of clarity, I could see how I am actually evolving into a true super hero…the comic book ideal. All the work we have done these 6 years…the past 4 months of me trying to wrap my mind around the Option process…not just to understand it but to begin to live it. Not only say I love and accept myself and my son but feel it…breathe it. I could see it happening…not arriving at full super hero status yet…but I could look back on the fumbling dad who is lost and see the changes that have taken place. I could see myself on my way to being that Super Hero dad…that force of nature for my son. Like all super heroes…I am flawed and have weaknesses but I have direction and purpose…not needing an instruction book but acting from trust and acceptance of Self. With out realizing it I have been living in the moment more than I thought. I have been studying and focusing on what I want to accomplish and learn that I had not realized how far I have come. Staring into his sleeping face I felt a real sense of accomplishment and that made me happy. And where I once thought this happiness would make me complacent it only drives me on and emboldens me to try even harder…to reach a little more inside myself when I have those moments of fear and self doubt. I am learning to trust myself…learning to let go of my fears. Each day I am moving closer to the ideal…and knowing that I never have to reach it in order to be happy and help my son…but that the constant striving for it is enough.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Signs
We have been implementing a new diet for Griff for the past three weeks. Since Griff has “leaky gut” changes in diet effect him significantly. The trick has been to find the right foods to starve the yeast and the pathogens and feed the beneficial bacteria and flora in his gut. Since there are no cookie cutter solutions, just guidelines, it’s a trial and error approach taking weeks or months to find out if a food can be tolerated and is beneficial. So swings in behavior and spikes of autistic symptoms are normal and to be expected. I knew what was coming but it’s still hard to see him revert back to behaviors I have not seen for a while. This past week or two the sun was not shining that much…I was in the kitchen and taking care of Griff and my Son Rise connection (my ability to read and write about it) was thin to non-existent. Son Rise and Option led me to a strong place that will allow me and Griff to heal in our own way…but my grip on it has yet to be complete and while I am in the beginning of adopting and learning new ideas I have a need to stay close to it. Being hip deep in cooking and all things food I was feeling the distance and a few days ago I actually started to feel stress that I have not felt since prior to my Son-Rise trip. It was a little scary that I could be so close to feeling that way again….being lost and set a drift. Griff’s symptoms were in full swing. His verbal communication had diminished a great deal as well as his responsive language. He still showed a lot of the gains he has made but you had to prompt him…he was distant. Though I knew that is part of recovery…on top of everything else…it was getting me down and I felt myself pulling away from him when he would have a rough patch. Not wanting to distance myself from him but his autism….but it is part of him and who he is and that’s where the love and acceptance can be a challenge.
So yesterday I’m trying to engage him…trying to keep that loving and accepting attitude…I ask him to come over to the easel. His drawing has always been sporadic and pretty basic. He can draw some basic shapes but not to well….faces are better but very simple. He has never written letters or numbers. He can read, knows his alphabet, count front and back to a 100, and spell words with blocks…but can’t draw to well and his desire to do so comes and goes. So I take his hand and put the pen in it and guide his hand drawing shapes and signs. He loves stop signs so we drew one….I carefully explained how we were drawing it describing the angles of the octagon and the letters. All the time wondering if I’m getting through because he did not show any response. It was a rough day and I had trouble getting close to him and my three "e’s" were low. He walked away after that. That night I was cooking and feeling that scared feeling and wanting to get back on track. It was late but I read some “To love is to be happy with”. When I let some distance get between myself and what I desire...getting back to it always seems so complicated. I was feeling that way with Son Rise and all it took was taking 20 minutes and reading some pages. All that I have gained and learned has not left me but the day to day Mr. Mom routine, the ebb and flow of my emotions and all of life’s distractions can make it seem so at times. Reading I was reminded of what’s important….the simplicity of love and acceptance and the power of being present and in the moment.
When I woke up today I read the passages I had read the night before and reminded myself what I wanted and all that I have done. I was determined to engage Griff all day and not be distracted or allow myself to judge his autism as “bad”. I walked towards it with my arms outstretched…defeating it with a warm embrace. We had a great day. Griff had some rough moments but we got through them together. But something happened early on. I put some paper in front of him on a whim and a marker and he started drawing all this fruit. Naming each piece…I was celebrating him…he was so engaged, verbal and drawing better than I have seen in a long time. After 10 minutes of drawing at a feverish place I asked him to draw me a stop sign. He took his pen in his awkward grip and drew an octagon! I could see his brain working to remember each angle….I could see him recalling yesterday when we did it together and though the ends did not match up he nailed it….then he draws inside the octagon an “S” then a “T” then an “O” and says “stop sign”. I think he would have drawn the “P” but he ran out of room. Wow did I celebrate that! He has never done that before. I was so happy and proud. It reminded me that he is learning all the time and though he may not be able to acknowledge me or show me right then that he gets it …he is still growing every single minute. He then draws a rail road crossing sign very well and draws the two “R” ’s. in the “X”. Writing letters and words just like that in the midst of his current upheaval….it really gives me hope and reaffirms our belief that we are on the right path.
I have never had a conversation with him, never heard him say I love you…though I know he does with all his heart. I have to look for those moments of growth where ever I can no matter how small. Today I saw something remarkable. It reminded me that I allow him to grow and heal when I create that loving and supporting atmosphere….we all need it its just he needs it greatly amplified 24 hours a day. To do this I need to find that place of love and acceptance within me that I can sustain from moment to moment. It will become like breathing…effortless. That’s what I have been working on….covering more ground than I ever have in such a short time to get there….and I feel like I’m close.
So yesterday I’m trying to engage him…trying to keep that loving and accepting attitude…I ask him to come over to the easel. His drawing has always been sporadic and pretty basic. He can draw some basic shapes but not to well….faces are better but very simple. He has never written letters or numbers. He can read, knows his alphabet, count front and back to a 100, and spell words with blocks…but can’t draw to well and his desire to do so comes and goes. So I take his hand and put the pen in it and guide his hand drawing shapes and signs. He loves stop signs so we drew one….I carefully explained how we were drawing it describing the angles of the octagon and the letters. All the time wondering if I’m getting through because he did not show any response. It was a rough day and I had trouble getting close to him and my three "e’s" were low. He walked away after that. That night I was cooking and feeling that scared feeling and wanting to get back on track. It was late but I read some “To love is to be happy with”. When I let some distance get between myself and what I desire...getting back to it always seems so complicated. I was feeling that way with Son Rise and all it took was taking 20 minutes and reading some pages. All that I have gained and learned has not left me but the day to day Mr. Mom routine, the ebb and flow of my emotions and all of life’s distractions can make it seem so at times. Reading I was reminded of what’s important….the simplicity of love and acceptance and the power of being present and in the moment.
When I woke up today I read the passages I had read the night before and reminded myself what I wanted and all that I have done. I was determined to engage Griff all day and not be distracted or allow myself to judge his autism as “bad”. I walked towards it with my arms outstretched…defeating it with a warm embrace. We had a great day. Griff had some rough moments but we got through them together. But something happened early on. I put some paper in front of him on a whim and a marker and he started drawing all this fruit. Naming each piece…I was celebrating him…he was so engaged, verbal and drawing better than I have seen in a long time. After 10 minutes of drawing at a feverish place I asked him to draw me a stop sign. He took his pen in his awkward grip and drew an octagon! I could see his brain working to remember each angle….I could see him recalling yesterday when we did it together and though the ends did not match up he nailed it….then he draws inside the octagon an “S” then a “T” then an “O” and says “stop sign”. I think he would have drawn the “P” but he ran out of room. Wow did I celebrate that! He has never done that before. I was so happy and proud. It reminded me that he is learning all the time and though he may not be able to acknowledge me or show me right then that he gets it …he is still growing every single minute. He then draws a rail road crossing sign very well and draws the two “R” ’s. in the “X”. Writing letters and words just like that in the midst of his current upheaval….it really gives me hope and reaffirms our belief that we are on the right path.
I have never had a conversation with him, never heard him say I love you…though I know he does with all his heart. I have to look for those moments of growth where ever I can no matter how small. Today I saw something remarkable. It reminded me that I allow him to grow and heal when I create that loving and supporting atmosphere….we all need it its just he needs it greatly amplified 24 hours a day. To do this I need to find that place of love and acceptance within me that I can sustain from moment to moment. It will become like breathing…effortless. That’s what I have been working on….covering more ground than I ever have in such a short time to get there….and I feel like I’m close.
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Embrace
Time has been flying by. In a way it feels like I just got back from my trip to Son Rise. It’s like the past three months have been a life time in itself….albeit a short one. I have had such a wide range of emotions and it feels like I have been shot out of a circus cannon… having to figure out how to land in the net before I get there. They told me how to do it as I was climbing into the cannon but now that I can see the net approaching I realize I have not worked it all out.
The net is my advanced training class at Son Rise in April. I realized the other day I have been apprehensive about going. I am excited to go and know I will learn so much but I have that old feeling…like going back to school or that I’m about to take a big test….I don’t feel prepared….worse yet I have guilt because I feel that I should be prepared. I have yet to implemented our Son Rise program with Griffen….I was feeling as if I was going to show up and not fit in….that everyone would turn to me and look upon me with scorn…disdain because I had not risen to the challenge. “You’re not in the fun room yet? You didn’t bring a video….why? What’s stopping you? What’s wrong with you?” In this fantasy I mutter a feeble response… “its me…I’m stopping me” I make the excuse of "I have been trying" and list all that I have done….state all the gains we have made because of the Son Rise principles…..but my achievements only serve as excuses.
I thought about this and I could imagine my trip out there…walking into the cafeteria meeting all the other parents. I realized how far I carried this fantasy….I was making excuses why I had failed….I was feeling guilty and shameful. I thought about how uplifting my first trip was. There were no expectations of me then…I was open and ready. But now I and I alone have created this bar I should have reached. I wonder if I would have placed this bar out of reach regardless of how much I had achieved. I thought about my previous trip and the joy it brought me and discovered that if I stayed with the current mind set I would set myself up for disappointment and a great deal of unnecessary suffering. I want to get the most out of my trip. It came to me like a kick in the head that I can celebrate all that I have done to date; that I have nothing to be ashamed of. My family has made great strides in such a short time, Griffen has blossemed since we started our training, I have grown so much as a man and a father, and we have implemented a very involved dietary change...all this in the last three months and we are determined and driven to achieve our goal of running a successful Son Rise program. I do not have to prove that to anyone. It occurs to me that the only person I was trying to prove that to was myself….Its why I had imagined an inhospitable environment at Son Rise when I know at my core my experience will be like walking into a warm embrace of a friend.
I can see my life as moving from one bubble to the next. A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of being on the playground as a child….feeling isolated by my inability to communicate clearly. Standing alone not being able to find and form the words that would gain me entrance into a world I longed for. That feeling has followed me through out my life though my ability to communicate has evolved and ceased to be an obstacle. To be honest I felt it at times when I was at Son Rise in December. I would stand in the cafeteria and look out at the other parents…after a couple days I could see many had formed groups of friends and they would stick together. Again I felt like the misfit…not fitting into a group. It was like standing on the playground again or walking into the school lunch room…wondering if I would see a friendly face I could sit with…if I could find someone to accept me…not being aware as a child of the power that sitting alone can bring…the strength of self-reliance. When I fall into the trap of looking at life through these old beliefs I forget this lesson today.
I was feeling that way again thinking of my trip…standing outside of the crowd….wanting to be a part of it but not feeling worthy. Needing the validation of others instead of trusting in myself and what I had accomplished. But then like so many other times in my life when it really comes down to a choice… I ask myself “what do I want”. I ultimately choose to confront that feeling of isolation but really I choose to accept it as a part of who I am; something to be proud of. I don’t have to be the person who feels comfortable in a crowd….to blend into a group. I stood in the cafeteria at Son Rise and those self doubts came to me but I decided that I did not want to hide…I wanted to explore so I went down and sat with someone new….I embraced my inner misfit. It was exhilarating because I wanted to discover as much as I could. Being the way I am helped me achieve that…It is something to celebrate. I can trust that I have done the best I can to date. I can go to Son Rise in April with my head held high….proud of the progress I have made and know full well I will be embraced by all because I come to them eager to learn and share.
I am still working on loving and accepting myself as I am. I am still working on loving and accepting Griffen as he is. . I know the place I want to get to. I can see it and I am determined to get there. It’s just that the steps I need to take to get there get obscured from time to time. It’s as if there are many paths I need to take to get to this one place. I have confronted this before….I am trying to travel on many paths that all arrive at the same place and they begin to blend together and it is hard to distinguish them. I am pulled from one path to the next in my urgency to gain ground but I only end up slowing my pace. There is only one path to take...the one that I am on...I just have to choose to see it that way. As it is now I feel each step I take is a distraction or a detour from my progress…but they are all steps toward my goal. I can trust in myself that each step I take is a step forward. The time lines and expectations will fall away. Again it comes down to living in the moment and trusting myself to find my way.
The net is my advanced training class at Son Rise in April. I realized the other day I have been apprehensive about going. I am excited to go and know I will learn so much but I have that old feeling…like going back to school or that I’m about to take a big test….I don’t feel prepared….worse yet I have guilt because I feel that I should be prepared. I have yet to implemented our Son Rise program with Griffen….I was feeling as if I was going to show up and not fit in….that everyone would turn to me and look upon me with scorn…disdain because I had not risen to the challenge. “You’re not in the fun room yet? You didn’t bring a video….why? What’s stopping you? What’s wrong with you?” In this fantasy I mutter a feeble response… “its me…I’m stopping me” I make the excuse of "I have been trying" and list all that I have done….state all the gains we have made because of the Son Rise principles…..but my achievements only serve as excuses.
I thought about this and I could imagine my trip out there…walking into the cafeteria meeting all the other parents. I realized how far I carried this fantasy….I was making excuses why I had failed….I was feeling guilty and shameful. I thought about how uplifting my first trip was. There were no expectations of me then…I was open and ready. But now I and I alone have created this bar I should have reached. I wonder if I would have placed this bar out of reach regardless of how much I had achieved. I thought about my previous trip and the joy it brought me and discovered that if I stayed with the current mind set I would set myself up for disappointment and a great deal of unnecessary suffering. I want to get the most out of my trip. It came to me like a kick in the head that I can celebrate all that I have done to date; that I have nothing to be ashamed of. My family has made great strides in such a short time, Griffen has blossemed since we started our training, I have grown so much as a man and a father, and we have implemented a very involved dietary change...all this in the last three months and we are determined and driven to achieve our goal of running a successful Son Rise program. I do not have to prove that to anyone. It occurs to me that the only person I was trying to prove that to was myself….Its why I had imagined an inhospitable environment at Son Rise when I know at my core my experience will be like walking into a warm embrace of a friend.
I can see my life as moving from one bubble to the next. A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of being on the playground as a child….feeling isolated by my inability to communicate clearly. Standing alone not being able to find and form the words that would gain me entrance into a world I longed for. That feeling has followed me through out my life though my ability to communicate has evolved and ceased to be an obstacle. To be honest I felt it at times when I was at Son Rise in December. I would stand in the cafeteria and look out at the other parents…after a couple days I could see many had formed groups of friends and they would stick together. Again I felt like the misfit…not fitting into a group. It was like standing on the playground again or walking into the school lunch room…wondering if I would see a friendly face I could sit with…if I could find someone to accept me…not being aware as a child of the power that sitting alone can bring…the strength of self-reliance. When I fall into the trap of looking at life through these old beliefs I forget this lesson today.
I was feeling that way again thinking of my trip…standing outside of the crowd….wanting to be a part of it but not feeling worthy. Needing the validation of others instead of trusting in myself and what I had accomplished. But then like so many other times in my life when it really comes down to a choice… I ask myself “what do I want”. I ultimately choose to confront that feeling of isolation but really I choose to accept it as a part of who I am; something to be proud of. I don’t have to be the person who feels comfortable in a crowd….to blend into a group. I stood in the cafeteria at Son Rise and those self doubts came to me but I decided that I did not want to hide…I wanted to explore so I went down and sat with someone new….I embraced my inner misfit. It was exhilarating because I wanted to discover as much as I could. Being the way I am helped me achieve that…It is something to celebrate. I can trust that I have done the best I can to date. I can go to Son Rise in April with my head held high….proud of the progress I have made and know full well I will be embraced by all because I come to them eager to learn and share.
I am still working on loving and accepting myself as I am. I am still working on loving and accepting Griffen as he is. . I know the place I want to get to. I can see it and I am determined to get there. It’s just that the steps I need to take to get there get obscured from time to time. It’s as if there are many paths I need to take to get to this one place. I have confronted this before….I am trying to travel on many paths that all arrive at the same place and they begin to blend together and it is hard to distinguish them. I am pulled from one path to the next in my urgency to gain ground but I only end up slowing my pace. There is only one path to take...the one that I am on...I just have to choose to see it that way. As it is now I feel each step I take is a distraction or a detour from my progress…but they are all steps toward my goal. I can trust in myself that each step I take is a step forward. The time lines and expectations will fall away. Again it comes down to living in the moment and trusting myself to find my way.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Pull
I’m learning to trust…to trust in the process….to trust myself and not only the direction I have chosen but my ability to navigate my way should my path change unexpectedly. This is a recurring theme for me. Since I came back from Son Rise I have had to deal with the ebb and flow of life…it brings me close to my goal and then pulls me back out. At first I panicked and thought I would not return….old beliefs hanging on…but I have learned to step back on this new adventure and look at the whole experience…I have gained a new perspective. I am able to see a pattern …yes I am pulled away from my goal to establish my Son Rise program…work…diet…life’s many obligations tug and yank at me constantly but time and again I return to it…gaining ground….getting closer. My fear was my resolve would waver and fade…as if this can be compared to my lame attempts to play guitar or take up photography as a hobby. As if my past deeds and actions dictated what I would do now at this moment. If that were true I would not be writing these words…I would not be sending them out for the world to see. I have hesitated to step out from the safe places I inhabit but again I can see that I have run with abandon from other safe havens so what is stopping me from doing it when I recognize the need. Well nothing but myself. Will I hesitate…yes I’m sure I will. I’ll forget these words I’m writing…forget the strength I’m feeling now but only for a time…the ebb. William at Son Rise talked of our children being in a “mode”…a time when they seem to regress back into their autistic worlds. This, on the surface, appearing to be a setback but truly is our child taking time to rest…to process all that they have taken in…only to come out of it stronger than before. Why should I deny myself the same healing time…the ebb is my time to process…to gather my strength…the flow is when I implement all that I have absorbed. There are those lucky soles who’s recovery time is a mere blink compared to my own and it is these folks I compare myself to when I’m laying awake at 3 am….thinking of all I have not done. I have and continue to see my short comings as a man and a father as robbing my son of time in the world…free of his autistic bubble…guilt is not easily given the boot to. Not easy perhaps but if I step back now and look at how far I have come in ridding myself of this weight I can see real progress.
Progress…Its hard to gage when the goal is always shifting which now that I think of it is a problem and a source of a great deal of self imposed angst with in me. I am trying to arrive at an effortless place of living in the moment and not being attached to an out come….trusting my self to handle what comes around the bend…and that trust…the trust in myself is the ingredient that will allow me to let go of my expectations and attachment to a future and allow me to live in the present. The trust in me is the anchor that ties me to, and keeps me focused on, the present. So it is here I need to do the most work because I am attaching myself to many outcomes that shift from moment to moment…no wonder I get exhausted. Son Rise, Griffen’s recovery, my marriage, my heath…the diet. I have established a long list of outcomes I desire and I have impaled myself on each one. I am living in an uncertain future and I am running myself ragged. I am slowing myself down…my progress. I am measuring my accomplishments in time...why am I doing this? There is no need to attach myself to any of it because none of it is real…none of it has happened nor will it happen as I have imagined it. Why am I measuring achievements by a timetable? I am not in competition with anyone…though I feel it…feel the race against all the other parents out there. Trying to drive myself with guilt… driving myself with unhappiness. It is all coming down to my lack of trust in me. This is what I have been working on these past months with out always realizing it….I have not recognized the true impact of this until now. I have lacked the focus to drive at the heart of my unhappiness. I said I am learning to trust myself but I had not realized until now how connected it all is to this trust that has eluded me my whole life. It has come and gone in the past as it comes and goes for me now day to day. If I can get to the heart of it then all the rest falls away….the fear, the time constraints….the expectations. The trust will bring me into the present where I can focus on what’s at hand….trusting that whatever I am doing is the right thing to do and allowing me to be present… achieving the satisfaction and the forward motion I strive to feel and be at peace with. There is the “vicious circle” but this can be a “happy circle’. The trust feeds the action and the action develops trust and on it goes. I recognize my need to “mode”…to process all that I have going on…it has brought me to this place now but the goal is to reduce the time I need to do this and to gain the trust in myself…the result will enable me to move through life without being pulled from the present...just as I strive to do this for my boy I can also do this for myself.
Progress…Its hard to gage when the goal is always shifting which now that I think of it is a problem and a source of a great deal of self imposed angst with in me. I am trying to arrive at an effortless place of living in the moment and not being attached to an out come….trusting my self to handle what comes around the bend…and that trust…the trust in myself is the ingredient that will allow me to let go of my expectations and attachment to a future and allow me to live in the present. The trust in me is the anchor that ties me to, and keeps me focused on, the present. So it is here I need to do the most work because I am attaching myself to many outcomes that shift from moment to moment…no wonder I get exhausted. Son Rise, Griffen’s recovery, my marriage, my heath…the diet. I have established a long list of outcomes I desire and I have impaled myself on each one. I am living in an uncertain future and I am running myself ragged. I am slowing myself down…my progress. I am measuring my accomplishments in time...why am I doing this? There is no need to attach myself to any of it because none of it is real…none of it has happened nor will it happen as I have imagined it. Why am I measuring achievements by a timetable? I am not in competition with anyone…though I feel it…feel the race against all the other parents out there. Trying to drive myself with guilt… driving myself with unhappiness. It is all coming down to my lack of trust in me. This is what I have been working on these past months with out always realizing it….I have not recognized the true impact of this until now. I have lacked the focus to drive at the heart of my unhappiness. I said I am learning to trust myself but I had not realized until now how connected it all is to this trust that has eluded me my whole life. It has come and gone in the past as it comes and goes for me now day to day. If I can get to the heart of it then all the rest falls away….the fear, the time constraints….the expectations. The trust will bring me into the present where I can focus on what’s at hand….trusting that whatever I am doing is the right thing to do and allowing me to be present… achieving the satisfaction and the forward motion I strive to feel and be at peace with. There is the “vicious circle” but this can be a “happy circle’. The trust feeds the action and the action develops trust and on it goes. I recognize my need to “mode”…to process all that I have going on…it has brought me to this place now but the goal is to reduce the time I need to do this and to gain the trust in myself…the result will enable me to move through life without being pulled from the present...just as I strive to do this for my boy I can also do this for myself.
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