A week and a half has passed since my trip to Son Rise and I am still processing it. I came back different but I can’t quite see how yet. I know I feel good and that I turned a corner but I’m still living it…my trip and I have yet to gain perspective. I won’t quite know how to apply all that I have learned until I do…I’m still letting it settle. It is still like porridge in my head…still unclear but that’s a good thing. The more time I spend with it the greater the understanding I will achieve.
I am looking at Griffen and my life differently now. The worry is gone. I know it will work out. I have said this before…several times over the past 5 months. But each time I say it…I mean it….but it feels different every time. As if it becomes truer somehow. Like it sinks a little deeper into my soul and now I feel that it has travelled deep enough that it can never be extracted. It makes me feel strong and now I feel that strength in my limbs…I feel it coming out through my skin ready to spread out around me. I’m at that point between knowing I can act and acting…I have an odd sensation.
I spent the week away and it was a time to focus on myself…with no distractions and I have let that carry on into my life when I returned. It has felt good. I have denied myself so much for so long I can now see the toll it has taken on me. It served its purpose and I am happy with all that I have done but it is time to sharpen the saw. I realize I have become so depleted I have nothing to give Griff anymore. It has become an obstacle to me working the program for him. I’m not talking about playing a round of golf or going to a movie…though those things sound nice….I want to feed my soul and nurture my creative side and ignite my passion for life again. I want to be able to give these things to my son.
I read on a Son Rise Blog “have you ever known an unhappy person to be fun?” And it hit that I have not been fun because I have been unhappy. Sounds like a no brainer but I was so focused on staying positive that I lost sight of the importance of happiness. It is the foundation for life and without it what’s above falters. I see this now and I will work towards my own happiness. I can help my son and myself at the same time.
I can see the differences in him already. At Max Impact some parents were talking about imitation and how important this is on the developmental scale. Griff had not reached this. But today I was showing him how to blow a raspberry. I have tried this before to no avail. But today he sticks his tongue out a few times and after a few tries he gets it. I blew one he blew one…we went back and forth. I was stunned. We were then lying side by side and he was staring into my eyes with such intent….with such passion. He started to recite the characters from a book in order and I repeated the words as he said them. We got to a name I could not understand. I told him to try again and again. I could not understand. He got so upset…tears were streaming down his face but he kept on trying to get it. Finally I jumped up and ran and got the book…he showed me the word and I repeated it…I celebrated…he smiled and moved on.
I saw something new in those tears and frustration. I looked into his eyes and I could see the change in him. He wants out of his autistic world…he is aware of the world around him and he wants to be a part of it. My heart ached when I saw this because I could see the discomfort inside him…almost like he was trapped inside. But I am so happy to see it….after all this time.
We have made it to the next level and I find myself yet again having to abandon the routines and ways I have adopted. The constant change and revaluation is exhausting. There is no autopilot with autism…not if you want real growth. But I am thankful for that. Though I am always striving to be present Griff’s autism has allowed me to enjoy the moment more than any other time in my life. It has brought me beauty and growth to my life…more than I could have imagined. I have so much to be thankful for…so much so it is increasingly harder to find the downside. It’s not as if the struggle is not still present but it’s a matter of perspective and desire. I choose to see the positive instead of the negative (most of the time). This is finding its way into every part of who I am and I will carry this with me the rest of my life. My son’s autism has been a gift. I repeat myself I know but the strength I am achieving comes in layers and not all at once. Each time I gain something I recognize it for something new…each lesson is unique though it may be part of something greater that came before. With each experience…each revelation I see more clearly…though it may only be a degree removed from what I have experienced before it only serves to strengthen me. I welcome that.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
I Can
I am thankful for the journey I am on. Saying that still seems a little strange but fills me with happiness so I know it’s true for me. It seems every time I turn around I am discovering I have taken another step forward. Before I felt as if I was trudging through deep snow and now it feels more like the express walkway at the airport.
I went to Maximum Impact last week…my second Son Rise training. I went there to get a deeper sense of love and acceptance for my self and through me of Griffen. I wanted to increase my level of self trust…to be more authentic with myself and others. I want to put my self out there without hesitation. To be comfortable with everything I say. To say and do what I mean to do and stand behind it.
I left with this and more though it has not all come to the surface. But something significant has shifted for me. I feel as if I can take it all to the next level. Before I went I felt restricted somehow….not overwhelmed but I lacked the ability to see it happening…to know that it would. I have that now…that trust in my being that I know I can make it happen.
I found my self amongst some amazing parents…truly inspired by their strength. As I did at Start up I struggled with my ability to blend and interact with them all. At first I was self conscience of it…it felt awkward. I wanted to engage on a deeper level than I did but could not. At first I resorted to some old beliefs that something was lacking in me….that I was distracted somehow. But as the week progressed I realized that I was functioning with in the group in a way that was perfect for me. I was very present with those around me but limited my exposure. I found I was able to give only so much of myself. I need to take more in than give out. Why exactly I don’t know. I think for me I can’t absorb and project myself at the same time. I need to take it all in and let it soak into every nook and cranny….then I can gain some perspective on it and then give back something meaningful. Unfortunately by this time we have all gone our separate ways…the chance to create that ever lasting bond is gone. That saddens me a bit but I have faith in the way I operate…that it’s what’s best for me. This realization is a blessing. I have beaten myself up over this for my entire life. I always manage to make a few deep connections that last and I am thankful for that.
I discovered strengths I thought I had lost or never knew I had. I found the intense pain, sorrow and fear that had permeated every part of my life has become a distant memory….so much so when I try to recall it there is only the faintest twinge of discomfort left. The pain and fear I lived with everyday are now just images of the words themselves in my minds eye. My god when did that happen! Four months ago I thought happiness and peace were years away and as it turns out I have them now. I have accomplished more than I could have imagined in such a short time….it staggers my mind to think what I can accomplish with the rest of my life and for my son.
I no longer doubt I will heal my son. I am not attached to an out come…healing and recovery have really just become a state of mind…if I am loving and accepting in the present moment then where I ever I am is good. ….its a “where ever I am...is the place to be” kind of thing. It’s as if where ever I turn I see something good or know a way to find a solution. Still I have my moments where I lose sight of this astounding new gift but it’s always within reach. I now see opportunity where I once saw obstacles. I have to say these words coming from me is….I don’t know…I want to say unbelievable but no…that’s not correct. To be honest it feels right….like this is me and always has been I just could not see it before.
My week at Max Impact gave me many things but most importantly it gave me the freedom to know that I can….I can do anything and I have the knowledge to answer life’s questions even though the answers may not always be at my finger tips. I know that even when I struggle, when I am lost, when I am scared I know I will find my way….that I have the answers with in me if I am persistent and continue to search them out. How exciting is that! What a journey. The deeper I go within all that I learn spreads out from me into my world. I started down this path to heal my son and as it turns out it is healing me as well and everything I touch or look at seems that much brighter. I have discovered this beautiful life…..I am thankful for it….every day.
I went to Maximum Impact last week…my second Son Rise training. I went there to get a deeper sense of love and acceptance for my self and through me of Griffen. I wanted to increase my level of self trust…to be more authentic with myself and others. I want to put my self out there without hesitation. To be comfortable with everything I say. To say and do what I mean to do and stand behind it.
I left with this and more though it has not all come to the surface. But something significant has shifted for me. I feel as if I can take it all to the next level. Before I went I felt restricted somehow….not overwhelmed but I lacked the ability to see it happening…to know that it would. I have that now…that trust in my being that I know I can make it happen.
I found my self amongst some amazing parents…truly inspired by their strength. As I did at Start up I struggled with my ability to blend and interact with them all. At first I was self conscience of it…it felt awkward. I wanted to engage on a deeper level than I did but could not. At first I resorted to some old beliefs that something was lacking in me….that I was distracted somehow. But as the week progressed I realized that I was functioning with in the group in a way that was perfect for me. I was very present with those around me but limited my exposure. I found I was able to give only so much of myself. I need to take more in than give out. Why exactly I don’t know. I think for me I can’t absorb and project myself at the same time. I need to take it all in and let it soak into every nook and cranny….then I can gain some perspective on it and then give back something meaningful. Unfortunately by this time we have all gone our separate ways…the chance to create that ever lasting bond is gone. That saddens me a bit but I have faith in the way I operate…that it’s what’s best for me. This realization is a blessing. I have beaten myself up over this for my entire life. I always manage to make a few deep connections that last and I am thankful for that.
I discovered strengths I thought I had lost or never knew I had. I found the intense pain, sorrow and fear that had permeated every part of my life has become a distant memory….so much so when I try to recall it there is only the faintest twinge of discomfort left. The pain and fear I lived with everyday are now just images of the words themselves in my minds eye. My god when did that happen! Four months ago I thought happiness and peace were years away and as it turns out I have them now. I have accomplished more than I could have imagined in such a short time….it staggers my mind to think what I can accomplish with the rest of my life and for my son.
I no longer doubt I will heal my son. I am not attached to an out come…healing and recovery have really just become a state of mind…if I am loving and accepting in the present moment then where I ever I am is good. ….its a “where ever I am...is the place to be” kind of thing. It’s as if where ever I turn I see something good or know a way to find a solution. Still I have my moments where I lose sight of this astounding new gift but it’s always within reach. I now see opportunity where I once saw obstacles. I have to say these words coming from me is….I don’t know…I want to say unbelievable but no…that’s not correct. To be honest it feels right….like this is me and always has been I just could not see it before.
My week at Max Impact gave me many things but most importantly it gave me the freedom to know that I can….I can do anything and I have the knowledge to answer life’s questions even though the answers may not always be at my finger tips. I know that even when I struggle, when I am lost, when I am scared I know I will find my way….that I have the answers with in me if I am persistent and continue to search them out. How exciting is that! What a journey. The deeper I go within all that I learn spreads out from me into my world. I started down this path to heal my son and as it turns out it is healing me as well and everything I touch or look at seems that much brighter. I have discovered this beautiful life…..I am thankful for it….every day.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
A Mark In Time
I arrived at the Option institute for my week of discovery and healing with an open heart....ready for anything....up for everything. Four months ago I arrived wounded and in pain....no less open and ready but in desperate need of understanding and a connection to others ...to let me know I was not alone in the world...that I did not indeed live in a bubble. This time I have had time to heal and make some significant...no...life altering shifts in my consciousness. I arrived and I could tell immediately I was different and my experience would be anything but the same.
I sat in class Monday morning...Bears walks out to greet us. This was the first time I met Bears....I've read his books and heard his voice on Cd's. I have been changing my life....healing my son based on thirty years of his work. I was excited to meet the man I had come to admire and trust. I had imagined what it would be like and was not ready for the reality. I felt myself almost withdrawing from the experience. I had imagined my elation but I felt constricted in some indiscernible way. All the work I have done up until this point yet I still felt like I did not belong....almost like I did not deserve to be there. I wanted to jump in emotionally ...with all my force and not hold back but yet here I was unable to commit. Not nervous or insecure but unable to release...unable to expose myself. I felt like there was a spotlight on me as if to highlight my lack of presence. I was maddened that these emotions were distracting me from getting all that I came to do. I fought to discover what was working to distract me from what I felt such passion for but that was only further distracting me.
At one point in the morning Bears started an exercise...a meditation. We all milled about in a group in random and changing directions until he stopped us and we were told to find a person to stand in front of and look into there eyes. I found Minta...I stared down into her warm and inviting face. We were told to hold our gaze...Bears began to guide us through the meditation all the while we were to continue to stare into the eyes of this person...we were asked to send our love to this person....to express ourselves in a deep and meaningful way through silent mediation to someone we had never met before. I stood there gazing down into her eyes scared and still feeling that conflict of not revealing myself and jumping in and now I was asked to do it with all my heart. I had come so far...I decided to let go...that it was alright to be scared...it was OK and I was safe. What I felt over the next few minutes I can hardly describe. Surrounded by strangers but the world soon dropped away and all I could see was Minta's face. This face of a stranger was now my whole world and I felt that I was giving myself up to her completely....losing myself in her eyes. I could feel the heat of my love slowly filling me up rising towards my face....flushing my cheeks and flowing towards her. I was at such peace....I was completely open to this woman....I was hiding nothing and as I looked into her eyes I could see...I knew that she accepted me as I was accepting her. At first I wanted to look away but I began to feel such calm that I soon forgot all my fears and worries. Tears filled my eyes...Bears asked us to step closer until we were just a couple of inches away and I could feel our energies blending together. I could never have imagined I could be so utterly exposed and yet feel so safe. I knew I had crossed over to a new state of being...one that I could not step back from.
I came to Option with the goal of learning to find the self trust that has been eluding me my whole life...looking for completing my journey to love and acceptance of self for it is this that has been blocking the path to my full involvement in my son's recovery. When I came I was scared I had come all this way to fail...that I had not made the gains I thought I had. But I have come farther than I thought. Staring into Minta's eyes I discovered my love.....and that I can put it out there....I can reach down and discover all of me and show that to the world. Show it to the world and not fear the reaction....no longer fearing rejection. The world will do, say, and be what it is. I can choose how I see it...I can choose what serves me and what doesn't. It no longer has the power to make me unhappy unless I choose that and allow it to do so. It no longer has the power to dictate my reaction to it. I am insulated by my beliefs...beliefs I can choose at anytime.
In an instant my perspective changed...in a moment I went from struggling to be present to being not only completely open but never feeling stronger or safer. I had my first glimpse of the glory of being radically authentic. The last time I was here I wondered what would happen when I returned to my life...I felt stronger but not solid. I feel solid now...I now have the tools to start on my journey in earnest. No longer needing a crutch to get by on...no longer in need of a life line to Option and Son Rise. Now I can make it on my own and Son Rise is a recourse that will energize and teach me but the strength to stand is now coming from within. Freedom is what I am feeling and excitement. Excited with the idea of getting on with healing my son...seeing it all with a new understanding originating from a better sense and understanding of Self. I am thankful to all at option because there are many that have made this possible for me but it is Bears that I give my deepest thanks and love to...he has shown me how to turn the light on inside myself....a gift of a life time.
Bears ended the meditation and the spell was broken but not diminished. We were asked to turn around and I was face to face with Paul....an Aussie and a beautiful man. The same mediation but a different experience but no less meaningful. No longer a stranger to the experience I could gaze into to Paul's eyes and send this man my love and though different I feel it set the whole experience in my heart...it was not just a fluke...the repeated experience made it real and less dream like. I am thankful for that because it will be something that I carry with for the rest of my life. The meditation will forever mark the time when I was able to show all of me to the world and will help me grow into the man I have always wanted to be. Minta's kind and lovely face will always be the image...the symbol of that moment.
I sat in class Monday morning...Bears walks out to greet us. This was the first time I met Bears....I've read his books and heard his voice on Cd's. I have been changing my life....healing my son based on thirty years of his work. I was excited to meet the man I had come to admire and trust. I had imagined what it would be like and was not ready for the reality. I felt myself almost withdrawing from the experience. I had imagined my elation but I felt constricted in some indiscernible way. All the work I have done up until this point yet I still felt like I did not belong....almost like I did not deserve to be there. I wanted to jump in emotionally ...with all my force and not hold back but yet here I was unable to commit. Not nervous or insecure but unable to release...unable to expose myself. I felt like there was a spotlight on me as if to highlight my lack of presence. I was maddened that these emotions were distracting me from getting all that I came to do. I fought to discover what was working to distract me from what I felt such passion for but that was only further distracting me.
At one point in the morning Bears started an exercise...a meditation. We all milled about in a group in random and changing directions until he stopped us and we were told to find a person to stand in front of and look into there eyes. I found Minta...I stared down into her warm and inviting face. We were told to hold our gaze...Bears began to guide us through the meditation all the while we were to continue to stare into the eyes of this person...we were asked to send our love to this person....to express ourselves in a deep and meaningful way through silent mediation to someone we had never met before. I stood there gazing down into her eyes scared and still feeling that conflict of not revealing myself and jumping in and now I was asked to do it with all my heart. I had come so far...I decided to let go...that it was alright to be scared...it was OK and I was safe. What I felt over the next few minutes I can hardly describe. Surrounded by strangers but the world soon dropped away and all I could see was Minta's face. This face of a stranger was now my whole world and I felt that I was giving myself up to her completely....losing myself in her eyes. I could feel the heat of my love slowly filling me up rising towards my face....flushing my cheeks and flowing towards her. I was at such peace....I was completely open to this woman....I was hiding nothing and as I looked into her eyes I could see...I knew that she accepted me as I was accepting her. At first I wanted to look away but I began to feel such calm that I soon forgot all my fears and worries. Tears filled my eyes...Bears asked us to step closer until we were just a couple of inches away and I could feel our energies blending together. I could never have imagined I could be so utterly exposed and yet feel so safe. I knew I had crossed over to a new state of being...one that I could not step back from.
I came to Option with the goal of learning to find the self trust that has been eluding me my whole life...looking for completing my journey to love and acceptance of self for it is this that has been blocking the path to my full involvement in my son's recovery. When I came I was scared I had come all this way to fail...that I had not made the gains I thought I had. But I have come farther than I thought. Staring into Minta's eyes I discovered my love.....and that I can put it out there....I can reach down and discover all of me and show that to the world. Show it to the world and not fear the reaction....no longer fearing rejection. The world will do, say, and be what it is. I can choose how I see it...I can choose what serves me and what doesn't. It no longer has the power to make me unhappy unless I choose that and allow it to do so. It no longer has the power to dictate my reaction to it. I am insulated by my beliefs...beliefs I can choose at anytime.
In an instant my perspective changed...in a moment I went from struggling to be present to being not only completely open but never feeling stronger or safer. I had my first glimpse of the glory of being radically authentic. The last time I was here I wondered what would happen when I returned to my life...I felt stronger but not solid. I feel solid now...I now have the tools to start on my journey in earnest. No longer needing a crutch to get by on...no longer in need of a life line to Option and Son Rise. Now I can make it on my own and Son Rise is a recourse that will energize and teach me but the strength to stand is now coming from within. Freedom is what I am feeling and excitement. Excited with the idea of getting on with healing my son...seeing it all with a new understanding originating from a better sense and understanding of Self. I am thankful to all at option because there are many that have made this possible for me but it is Bears that I give my deepest thanks and love to...he has shown me how to turn the light on inside myself....a gift of a life time.
Bears ended the meditation and the spell was broken but not diminished. We were asked to turn around and I was face to face with Paul....an Aussie and a beautiful man. The same mediation but a different experience but no less meaningful. No longer a stranger to the experience I could gaze into to Paul's eyes and send this man my love and though different I feel it set the whole experience in my heart...it was not just a fluke...the repeated experience made it real and less dream like. I am thankful for that because it will be something that I carry with for the rest of my life. The meditation will forever mark the time when I was able to show all of me to the world and will help me grow into the man I have always wanted to be. Minta's kind and lovely face will always be the image...the symbol of that moment.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Love and Acceptance
When I went to Son Rise for the first time last December I was immediately taken in by it. It all wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I felt like I found the key...I felt like I was, for the first time, in the right place. The concepts, the ideas, the attitudinal shifts they suggested...I embraced it all. But I was coming out of a pretty heavy funk and just because I connected with the approach...the technique...whatever you want to call it didn't mean I got it all right away. It has taken time for me to integrate it into my life but after months of working on it I am seeing the results.
The three E's...Energy Excitement & Enthusiasm. I had the hardest time with this. When I went to Son Rise for the first time I was open to the experience but seriously burned out and had retreated into myself. I agreed and embraced all that they said....I was ready to hear, learn, and heal but my reserves were low and I doubted my ability to have as much energy excitement and enthusiasm as they were suggesting. I was still really struggling with Griff's autism. So I came home and started to study it all. I could not get into the playroom. I didn't have it in me. Tormented by this though I was...I knew that for me I had to fix myself first. The other day it dawned on me that the three E's...that have been so elusive for me...or so I had thought...had eased into my life without me fully realizing it. In what became a kind of “duh!” moment I saw that the energy, excitement and enthusiasm I wanted to have for myself was born out of the love and acceptance I have been building for me and my son. I have been able to dialogue with myself these past months...chipping away at the beliefs that are getting in the way of what I want. And now the connections are starting to happen. As I discard and change one belief it affects others. What I find most exciting about this is now it does not seem all so impossible...in fact it's absolutely possible. Before I wanted to see it...to truly get it all but it was then just a dream...a hope that I could rise to the occasion as others had before me. Part of me knew I would get there but there was still the fear that had a strong hold on me...the one that whispered in my ear that maybe I wouldn't get “it”. Now I am making some astounding changes in my own life as well as Griffen's....I see it happening like the dominoes are starting to fall. I look out at what had seemed insurmountable and know that I can affect the positive change in my life that I have longed for.
I arrived at the Option Institute today for my second training. I have been longing to come back here since I got home from start up. It was a place of retreat and healing...a place of hope and belonging. Those first couple of months I clung to this place in my mind afraid to let go...needing...yes needing to come back...afraid to let go or stray to far from it lest I lose the connection. But the closer the day came to my return the stronger I got. As my inner strength and understanding grew the less I needed to hold on with both hands...and now the training wheels have come off. OK so maybe Bear's is still running behind me holding onto the seat but I return today a different man. I came here last time with fear and sorrow still in my heart. Ready to weep to let out all the stress, unhappiness and fear I had in me. I first came here reaching out of dark hole for a helping hand to lift me out. It is still a place of healing and hope to me but now I arrive as a man who has stepped out of the darkness and into the light. I no longer have to spend most of my energy to maintain my balance and composure...I can now focus my energy on growing and better understanding me, my son, and the world around me. I am starting to live everyday using the Option/Son Rise principles. No longer just reading or saying the words but applying them and seeing results and integrating them into who I am. Every single day something amazes me...and it is all connected to the way I feel about myself. I am truly experiencing love for myself and that is what I now give to my son and the world around me. I need to work on this everyday and I slip plenty but I am starting to reap the rewards of this new found understanding. I am able to build on it a little each day...creating a strong foundation for the rest of my life. I mistrusted and fought with myself for so long that I had no idea of the negativity I was projecting out to the world. I knew something was not right but I was clueless to know how to recognize it or change it. Continually looking outside of myself to find or be given the answers...not knowing I had them all along. I am thankful for Griff's autism...it is a blessing. This is no longer lip service...I feel it. He has affected such a positive change in our lives and it has led me to a place of self discovery that will in turn help him step closer and closer to us.
My growth and its direct affect on Griff was demonstrated to me today on my trek east. I have been afraid of flying my whole life. I thought it was because I was afraid to die but in preparation for my journey out here today I started to explore my beliefs about it. I realized I am not afraid of death itself. It is in fact the moment I realize I'm going to die that scared me the most and flying presented the perfect opportunity to bring up that fear. I asked myself why I was afraid of those few seconds before death and it came to me it was the regret I would feel for the things I had not done and letting myself, and now my family down. The thought of my son and my not being able to heal him. But it all came down to thinking I was incomplete, that I wasn't ok the way I am, that I was unfinished. In the days leading up to my trip I was able to change those beliefs. Once I exposed these beliefs I saw them as something I could let go. They no longer served me. I could now see all that I have done to improve myself and help my boy. That I am ok just as I am and that I have helped my son the best I can with tools I had. Flying was an experience that once shot fear through my whole body and now I was now able to enjoy and feel relaxed with it...I actually allowed myself to enjoy it. Today I flew on a tiny plane with propellers and red liquid leaking from one of the wings, a big jet with engine trouble and I was fine through it all. Each time I began to feel the old fear I examined my beliefs, recognized them as something I no longer needed and put in their place my new belief that I am complete just the way I am. To my utter amazement each time it worked. I did that in a few days. If I can do this....well I can do anything...I can help my son be the person he wants to be...who or whatever that is....on or off the spectrum. I am seeing through practical application the beauty and the power of Love and Acceptance. Slowly I am changing my outlook of life as one filled with obstacles to one awash with opportunity...A life time of searching and here it is...feels good.
The three E's...Energy Excitement & Enthusiasm. I had the hardest time with this. When I went to Son Rise for the first time I was open to the experience but seriously burned out and had retreated into myself. I agreed and embraced all that they said....I was ready to hear, learn, and heal but my reserves were low and I doubted my ability to have as much energy excitement and enthusiasm as they were suggesting. I was still really struggling with Griff's autism. So I came home and started to study it all. I could not get into the playroom. I didn't have it in me. Tormented by this though I was...I knew that for me I had to fix myself first. The other day it dawned on me that the three E's...that have been so elusive for me...or so I had thought...had eased into my life without me fully realizing it. In what became a kind of “duh!” moment I saw that the energy, excitement and enthusiasm I wanted to have for myself was born out of the love and acceptance I have been building for me and my son. I have been able to dialogue with myself these past months...chipping away at the beliefs that are getting in the way of what I want. And now the connections are starting to happen. As I discard and change one belief it affects others. What I find most exciting about this is now it does not seem all so impossible...in fact it's absolutely possible. Before I wanted to see it...to truly get it all but it was then just a dream...a hope that I could rise to the occasion as others had before me. Part of me knew I would get there but there was still the fear that had a strong hold on me...the one that whispered in my ear that maybe I wouldn't get “it”. Now I am making some astounding changes in my own life as well as Griffen's....I see it happening like the dominoes are starting to fall. I look out at what had seemed insurmountable and know that I can affect the positive change in my life that I have longed for.
I arrived at the Option Institute today for my second training. I have been longing to come back here since I got home from start up. It was a place of retreat and healing...a place of hope and belonging. Those first couple of months I clung to this place in my mind afraid to let go...needing...yes needing to come back...afraid to let go or stray to far from it lest I lose the connection. But the closer the day came to my return the stronger I got. As my inner strength and understanding grew the less I needed to hold on with both hands...and now the training wheels have come off. OK so maybe Bear's is still running behind me holding onto the seat but I return today a different man. I came here last time with fear and sorrow still in my heart. Ready to weep to let out all the stress, unhappiness and fear I had in me. I first came here reaching out of dark hole for a helping hand to lift me out. It is still a place of healing and hope to me but now I arrive as a man who has stepped out of the darkness and into the light. I no longer have to spend most of my energy to maintain my balance and composure...I can now focus my energy on growing and better understanding me, my son, and the world around me. I am starting to live everyday using the Option/Son Rise principles. No longer just reading or saying the words but applying them and seeing results and integrating them into who I am. Every single day something amazes me...and it is all connected to the way I feel about myself. I am truly experiencing love for myself and that is what I now give to my son and the world around me. I need to work on this everyday and I slip plenty but I am starting to reap the rewards of this new found understanding. I am able to build on it a little each day...creating a strong foundation for the rest of my life. I mistrusted and fought with myself for so long that I had no idea of the negativity I was projecting out to the world. I knew something was not right but I was clueless to know how to recognize it or change it. Continually looking outside of myself to find or be given the answers...not knowing I had them all along. I am thankful for Griff's autism...it is a blessing. This is no longer lip service...I feel it. He has affected such a positive change in our lives and it has led me to a place of self discovery that will in turn help him step closer and closer to us.
My growth and its direct affect on Griff was demonstrated to me today on my trek east. I have been afraid of flying my whole life. I thought it was because I was afraid to die but in preparation for my journey out here today I started to explore my beliefs about it. I realized I am not afraid of death itself. It is in fact the moment I realize I'm going to die that scared me the most and flying presented the perfect opportunity to bring up that fear. I asked myself why I was afraid of those few seconds before death and it came to me it was the regret I would feel for the things I had not done and letting myself, and now my family down. The thought of my son and my not being able to heal him. But it all came down to thinking I was incomplete, that I wasn't ok the way I am, that I was unfinished. In the days leading up to my trip I was able to change those beliefs. Once I exposed these beliefs I saw them as something I could let go. They no longer served me. I could now see all that I have done to improve myself and help my boy. That I am ok just as I am and that I have helped my son the best I can with tools I had. Flying was an experience that once shot fear through my whole body and now I was now able to enjoy and feel relaxed with it...I actually allowed myself to enjoy it. Today I flew on a tiny plane with propellers and red liquid leaking from one of the wings, a big jet with engine trouble and I was fine through it all. Each time I began to feel the old fear I examined my beliefs, recognized them as something I no longer needed and put in their place my new belief that I am complete just the way I am. To my utter amazement each time it worked. I did that in a few days. If I can do this....well I can do anything...I can help my son be the person he wants to be...who or whatever that is....on or off the spectrum. I am seeing through practical application the beauty and the power of Love and Acceptance. Slowly I am changing my outlook of life as one filled with obstacles to one awash with opportunity...A life time of searching and here it is...feels good.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Here & Now
“Siddhartha spoke with delight. This discovery had made him very happy. Was then not all sorrow in time, all self torment and fear in time? Were not all difficulties and evil in the world conquered as soon as one conquered time, as soon as one dispelled time?” HH
I have read Siddhartha 4 or 5 times…each time I bring something new to the text and it reveals something new to me. This time I read the copy I had in college. I was delighted to see the passages I underlined almost twenty years ago are the same ones that resonate with me now. I was on the same path then as I am now but now I can look back and see how far I have come…how much closer to my goal of self discovery and acceptance I have become.
I have discovered that time and the hold it has had on my life has caused me so much grief and pain. My constantly looking to my past in an attempt to identify who I am while looking forward trying to anticipate events so I can navigate them. Feeling trapped by the past and uncertain about the future I have worn myself down to a nub. But now I am becoming aware….like Siddhartha I sit by the river and have discovered the power of living in the moment….recognizing that there is only the present moment and the past and the future do not exist any where but right now.
I have days where I struggle to get through. I finally realized that these are the days that I look at what we have not done in the past to help my son and look to all that we must do and become overwhelmed by it. These are the days that I get discouraged and the distance between Griff and Rebecca increases. I am then forced to dig myself out of the mental hole I am in and get back on track. I do this continually…why? Out of habit and because I never knew I could change the pattern.
I have been slowly but steadily examining my beliefs. I’m amazed how easy it is to change or discard them. To examine them…to dissect them and discover where they come from is hard at first…because it’s like working a soft and unused muscle; easy to give up on but I have pushed through and I am getting better at it…stronger. I feel like it is becoming a habit…when I feel uncomfortable, mad, upset, frustrated…I stop and ask myself why I feel the way I do…and follow the thread back to the source. I have far from mastered it…I have only scratched the surface but I have seen enough to make me want to go on.
No where in my life has this helped me more than with my son. I have given his recovery my all. I have made mistakes….at times I have retreated into myself unable to function at my best…and I have done great things to help him. But for most of his life…until very recently…I have viewed it all as a burden…a sacrifice. What I did not realize before is that I have always had a choice. I have not needed to do any of it. All that I have done I have done because I wanted to. Yet I have lived with unhappiness all these years thinking that joy will return to my life when my boy is recovered. Then the image I had of myself with my son could be fulfilled. I lacked the vision to see that my happiness was all around me…waiting to be discovered.
I have been attached to an outcome….having a typical kid…doing all the things most people take for granted; living a normal life. I have wanted that…so much and I was reluctant to let go of it. I didn’t want this to be my life….I thought it would be giving up. But I am seeing…really seeing that this is a beautiful life I have. I am starting to see all the beauty and wonder that Griffen has brought to our lives. How his autism has brought us so close together and I can see this when I live in the moment…when I don’t look back or peer into the future. When I accept that now is all I have I am truly happy. It does not mean I stop trying or that I cease to be able to navigate successfully through life. It’s quite the opposite…my vision expands…I become even more aware and in touch with what’s around me. My mind is no longer cluttered with the fear and anxiety of the past and future. I operate with a clarity that I have longed for.
I am still in transition…I lose sight of this new found ability and have those “Greatest American Hero” moments. I struggle and fall into old habits but I have glimpsed the possibility of living a life like this….where living in the moment is like breathing…effortless. I always thought that kind of happiness did not exist…or could not for me. But I no longer feel that way. I am learning to conquer time by learning to recognize that there is no past or future. There is only my interpretation of it through my current beliefs. I can change my past by changing my beliefs and I can conquer the future by not becoming attached to an outcome. There are of course moments when I day dream and entertain hopes of what I would like to see. So often I would use these moments to escape my current situation but I realized today that I now day dream about my life now…I think about Griffen’s recovery and the steps we can take to get there. This is a giant step to living in the here and now.
I am starting to see all the possibilities for happiness in my life…right now. I am no longer seeing my life as one of sacrifice but seeing it for the gift it truly is. The gift of Griff’s autism and all the positive change it has brought into our lives. The martyr in me is dead and with it I can say goodbye to the weight…the sorrow…the despair martyrdom brought to my life. I have the choice to believe that my son’s autism is just another part of his beauty…once I do that there are no barriers to my happiness.
“Therefore it seems to me that everything that exists is good----death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly. Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my love and understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me” HH
Both quotes are from Herman Hesse’s “Siddhartha”
I have read Siddhartha 4 or 5 times…each time I bring something new to the text and it reveals something new to me. This time I read the copy I had in college. I was delighted to see the passages I underlined almost twenty years ago are the same ones that resonate with me now. I was on the same path then as I am now but now I can look back and see how far I have come…how much closer to my goal of self discovery and acceptance I have become.
I have discovered that time and the hold it has had on my life has caused me so much grief and pain. My constantly looking to my past in an attempt to identify who I am while looking forward trying to anticipate events so I can navigate them. Feeling trapped by the past and uncertain about the future I have worn myself down to a nub. But now I am becoming aware….like Siddhartha I sit by the river and have discovered the power of living in the moment….recognizing that there is only the present moment and the past and the future do not exist any where but right now.
I have days where I struggle to get through. I finally realized that these are the days that I look at what we have not done in the past to help my son and look to all that we must do and become overwhelmed by it. These are the days that I get discouraged and the distance between Griff and Rebecca increases. I am then forced to dig myself out of the mental hole I am in and get back on track. I do this continually…why? Out of habit and because I never knew I could change the pattern.
I have been slowly but steadily examining my beliefs. I’m amazed how easy it is to change or discard them. To examine them…to dissect them and discover where they come from is hard at first…because it’s like working a soft and unused muscle; easy to give up on but I have pushed through and I am getting better at it…stronger. I feel like it is becoming a habit…when I feel uncomfortable, mad, upset, frustrated…I stop and ask myself why I feel the way I do…and follow the thread back to the source. I have far from mastered it…I have only scratched the surface but I have seen enough to make me want to go on.
No where in my life has this helped me more than with my son. I have given his recovery my all. I have made mistakes….at times I have retreated into myself unable to function at my best…and I have done great things to help him. But for most of his life…until very recently…I have viewed it all as a burden…a sacrifice. What I did not realize before is that I have always had a choice. I have not needed to do any of it. All that I have done I have done because I wanted to. Yet I have lived with unhappiness all these years thinking that joy will return to my life when my boy is recovered. Then the image I had of myself with my son could be fulfilled. I lacked the vision to see that my happiness was all around me…waiting to be discovered.
I have been attached to an outcome….having a typical kid…doing all the things most people take for granted; living a normal life. I have wanted that…so much and I was reluctant to let go of it. I didn’t want this to be my life….I thought it would be giving up. But I am seeing…really seeing that this is a beautiful life I have. I am starting to see all the beauty and wonder that Griffen has brought to our lives. How his autism has brought us so close together and I can see this when I live in the moment…when I don’t look back or peer into the future. When I accept that now is all I have I am truly happy. It does not mean I stop trying or that I cease to be able to navigate successfully through life. It’s quite the opposite…my vision expands…I become even more aware and in touch with what’s around me. My mind is no longer cluttered with the fear and anxiety of the past and future. I operate with a clarity that I have longed for.
I am still in transition…I lose sight of this new found ability and have those “Greatest American Hero” moments. I struggle and fall into old habits but I have glimpsed the possibility of living a life like this….where living in the moment is like breathing…effortless. I always thought that kind of happiness did not exist…or could not for me. But I no longer feel that way. I am learning to conquer time by learning to recognize that there is no past or future. There is only my interpretation of it through my current beliefs. I can change my past by changing my beliefs and I can conquer the future by not becoming attached to an outcome. There are of course moments when I day dream and entertain hopes of what I would like to see. So often I would use these moments to escape my current situation but I realized today that I now day dream about my life now…I think about Griffen’s recovery and the steps we can take to get there. This is a giant step to living in the here and now.
I am starting to see all the possibilities for happiness in my life…right now. I am no longer seeing my life as one of sacrifice but seeing it for the gift it truly is. The gift of Griff’s autism and all the positive change it has brought into our lives. The martyr in me is dead and with it I can say goodbye to the weight…the sorrow…the despair martyrdom brought to my life. I have the choice to believe that my son’s autism is just another part of his beauty…once I do that there are no barriers to my happiness.
“Therefore it seems to me that everything that exists is good----death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly. Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my love and understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me” HH
Both quotes are from Herman Hesse’s “Siddhartha”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
