I Want Out!

A week and a half has passed since my trip to Son Rise and I am still processing it. I came back different but I can’t quite see how yet. I know I feel good and that I turned a corner but I’m still living it…my trip and I have yet to gain perspective. I won’t quite know how to apply all that I have learned until I do…I’m still letting it settle. It is still like porridge in my head…still unclear but that’s a good thing. The more time I spend with it the greater the understanding I will achieve.
I am looking at Griffen and my life differently now. The worry is gone. I know it will work out. I have said this before…several times over the past 5 months. But each time I say it…I mean it….but it feels different every time. As if it becomes truer somehow. Like it sinks a little deeper into my soul and now I feel that it has travelled deep enough that it can never be extracted. It makes me feel strong and now I feel that strength in my limbs…I feel it coming out through my skin ready to spread out around me. I’m at that point between knowing I can act and acting…I have an odd sensation.
I spent the week away and it was a time to focus on myself…with no distractions and I have let that carry on into my life when I returned. It has felt good. I have denied myself so much for so long I can now see the toll it has taken on me. It served its purpose and I am happy with all that I have done but it is time to sharpen the saw. I realize I have become so depleted I have nothing to give Griff anymore. It has become an obstacle to me working the program for him. I’m not talking about playing a round of golf or going to a movie…though those things sound nice….I want to feed my soul and nurture my creative side and ignite my passion for life again. I want to be able to give these things to my son.
I read on a Son Rise Blog “have you ever known an unhappy person to be fun?” And it hit that I have not been fun because I have been unhappy. Sounds like a no brainer but I was so focused on staying positive that I lost sight of the importance of happiness. It is the foundation for life and without it what’s above falters. I see this now and I will work towards my own happiness. I can help my son and myself at the same time.
I can see the differences in him already. At Max Impact some parents were talking about imitation and how important this is on the developmental scale. Griff had not reached this. But today I was showing him how to blow a raspberry. I have tried this before to no avail. But today he sticks his tongue out a few times and after a few tries he gets it. I blew one he blew one…we went back and forth. I was stunned. We were then lying side by side and he was staring into my eyes with such intent….with such passion. He started to recite the characters from a book in order and I repeated the words as he said them. We got to a name I could not understand. I told him to try again and again. I could not understand. He got so upset…tears were streaming down his face but he kept on trying to get it. Finally I jumped up and ran and got the book…he showed me the word and I repeated it…I celebrated…he smiled and moved on.
I saw something new in those tears and frustration. I looked into his eyes and I could see the change in him. He wants out of his autistic world…he is aware of the world around him and he wants to be a part of it. My heart ached when I saw this because I could see the discomfort inside him…almost like he was trapped inside. But I am so happy to see it….after all this time.
We have made it to the next level and I find myself yet again having to abandon the routines and ways I have adopted. The constant change and revaluation is exhausting. There is no autopilot with autism…not if you want real growth. But I am thankful for that. Though I am always striving to be present Griff’s autism has allowed me to enjoy the moment more than any other time in my life. It has brought me beauty and growth to my life…more than I could have imagined. I have so much to be thankful for…so much so it is increasingly harder to find the downside. It’s not as if the struggle is not still present but it’s a matter of perspective and desire. I choose to see the positive instead of the negative (most of the time). This is finding its way into every part of who I am and I will carry this with me the rest of my life. My son’s autism has been a gift. I repeat myself I know but the strength I am achieving comes in layers and not all at once. Each time I gain something I recognize it for something new…each lesson is unique though it may be part of something greater that came before. With each experience…each revelation I see more clearly…though it may only be a degree removed from what I have experienced before it only serves to strengthen me. I welcome that.