My latest trip to Option put a spin on my head that I did not anticipate. I came home and went off in a direction I did not expect. I have spent the weeks since I got home examining myself and what I want out of all this…to make me happy. I have reached a point where I have to look after myself if I’m going to be worth a damn to anyone. I’m burned out being here in the house with Griff all the time. I have little left to give him. Though I want to be there for him with all my heart I need to start putting something back…to start nourishing my intellect. I’ve spent the last several weeks thinking about and doing just that. I’ve actually enjoyed it…go figure! Reading for pleasure…writing letters and exploring what I want to do in my life that will serve my needs. I have not accomplished this alone. I’ve been helped by a dear friend and my love for her has opened my life up to so much…more than I could have hoped for. I am happy to be here …on this journey….the world is getting bigger by the day.
But I have to plug back into my life now…I have allowed myself some room to work things out. Now I dive back in…reconnect to Son Rise and Option and get to it. But I bring with me another dimension to it all: serving my needs as well as Griff’s. I can do this…I am doing it. The past month has not been what I expected but very rewarding…enriching. I have seen amazing growth in Griff in the last month while at the same time old behaviors have returned (screaming is the loudest one and what comes to mind first). I would love to say I greet every scream or spastic episode with a huge smile and a warm heart but no…at times it’s hard to see. I still struggle to stay on top of our son rise program and all it entails, diet, and all the day to day life stuff. I still don’t ask for help and look at things and see a specific order in which I need to complete them. I need to look at this…change here would be a good thing. But I am thankful for all that has come my way in the last 6 months. The world I was seeing through a pin hole is now opening up into a panoramic view and the possibilities are endless. I am starting to think I can not only be happy but I can start to accomplish something’s for me…I can go out into the world and make a mark…while still loving and healing my son. I marvel at people who do this seemingly with out effort. It has taken me 6 months to get here and still I have so much to do. Its ok…I’m learning to enjoy the ride.
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I needed to read this today. I'm running out of steam and feeling major burn-out with Spencer and my life in general. I feel guilty if I read a non-Autism book. That's sick.
ReplyDeleteI do need help. I can't do all of this on my own. It's time to start reaching out. Why is it so hard for us to let go?
I saw some old behaviors from Spencer tonight and I freaked-out. That is when I know I'm holding on too tight. Time to refuel and not feel guilty about it. Even if it means reading a book for pleasure.
Thanks for the post.
Victoria
Tim, thanks for contacting me as a follower of your blog. Hope you are ok with my commenting. I absolutely understand your struggle to do for you and for your son, to have energy for it all and try not to judge how you're doing or focus too much on what you may NOT be doing. We run a pretty flexible program, both my husband and I work, and we do our BEST at any given moment. I'm feeling some of the same things as you and questioning a lot about how I want to run and do our program. But I do know, Son-Rise and Option have helped me in so many ways personally. I now know it is totally ok if I don't choose to go in the playroom every day, or I choose to do something special for me that does not relate or include my son, or I didn't get the video camera set up to tape volunteers as soon as I'd like, or I got angry and frustrated even though I really want to be doing life differently now... I know that I am OK, I can be happy during this journey, and I want and need help. It has been beautiful to reach out to others and ask for help, to receive their help and support and to have them appreciate the opportunity to help and support our son and our family. Best wishes to you and Don't be afraid to ask for help in whatever form you may need. Much love!!!!
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