I’m finding that living in the moment is pretty damn hard. I have never paid so much attention to how my mind wanders as I do now. What I have to do, what I want to do, what I have not done. Questions and concerns whirling around in my head but so little energy devoted to what I’m doing at that moment. Having that week at Son Rise allowed me to live in the moment without distractions. I was amazed how present I was there…I quite easily left my life behind and became fully involved, emotionally and intellectually with what was going on. Why? I was motivated to be sure…for my boy but I have been motivated to heal him for years. It was an oasis of judgment. As soon as I got there late Saturday afternoon I felt welcome…like I belonged there. I greeted people with ease…fell into conversations without thinking why or why not I simply did. As the week began I met the staff, the volunteers…the parents I released so much tension and apprehension and I just opened up…I absorbed and was able to share at a level I had not experienced before. I did not want to leave at the end of the week…I say that playfully but I knew as soon as I stepped of the plane my life would hit me full force and I wondered how that would feel. I knew a shift had taken place….I had climbed to a new plateau but I did not want that feeling of ease to end. What I’m discovering as the weeks pass is that I can live that way everyday if I choose. It was my perspective…my beliefs that allowed me to experience that “ease” at Son Rise so if I can do it there….I can do it wherever I am. I have that choice and in creating that environment for myself I in turn create it for my son and that’s what it is all about. As I was able to open up, learn, and share so will he.
I have discovered that one of the main obstacles for me is the judgments I make about myself…especially when it comes to my efforts to heal my son. “I am not dedicated enough, not motivated enough, not bright enough” I focus on what I have not done or think that I have not acted with enough speed. I look to the future and I compare myself to families I have created in my mind that heal there kids with amazing speed and beat myself up for not doing it myself. I panic that the time is passing too quickly and I will miss some magical window and he will be doomed somehow…living cut off from the world…isolated with his label of Autism. I can get so caught up with this rush of thoughts and emotions I feel paralyzed when I’m with my son. All I have to do is sit there and be with him but I can work myself up so much that I have to get up and “accomplish something” just to justify my existence. But what I’m doing is avoiding working with him because I doubt my ability to heal him. My fear is that I can’t, that I don’t have what it takes, and then it will be my fault he doesn’t live to his fullest potential. I’m running from myself and in doing that I’m abandoning my son.
This cycle repeated so many times it became a wall between me and healing my son and I had started to retreat into myself…knowing full well I wanted to break free of the weight I was carrying around. However I was aware and open and that saved me. I’m still struggling with it all but day by day I can see more and more light through the cracks. I am starting to question myself more in a constructive way. I am looking at life’s obstacles, large and small, as opportunities to choose happiness; looking at each interaction with my son, and the world, as an opportunity to build on something…everything. I realize now that what happens outside of me does not need to govern my ability to be happy and with these new thoughts I have begun to appreciate what and who I am. With this new understanding I turn to my son and offer him more of myself. I’m laughing more…he’s laughing more. I have more fun…he has more fun. I am learning more…he is learning more. We are interacting more often and more intensely day by day…it’s so encouraging. I am letting go of the need to project what I “need” to be or what the future will hold. I am trying every day to focus on my son and the growth we are both experiencing. Not only am I starting to see how beginning from a place of love and acceptance allows you naturally and effortlessly to build on each action but I am starting to feel it and that it is becoming part of who I’m an that is exciting…to greet life at every moment from a place of love and acceptance…truly living in the moment without fear or judgment. I would have thought that impossible before…I no longer feel that way.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
The Wave
I drove to the food co-op in Ashland tonight. Ashland is a beautiful little town: friendly and picturesque. This time of year the main street is lit up with Christmas lights on all the buildings. I travel down main street every time I go to the co-op. Food shopping is one of the few outings I have. It’s my time away from home…a little time to myself. I have been making this trip to the store for years now…2 or 3 times a week. However I would always feel torn. After spending 10 or 11 hours alone with my son while my wife was at work I could not wait to get out of the house. I was usually emotionally and physically exhausted by the time she got home and I would think Griff would be sick of me but he hated to see me go. He looks out the front window whenever one of us leaves the house. I would drive away relieved to get the time alone yet I would feel so guilty for wanting to leave him when he clearly wanted me to stay.
So I drive to town and head down Main Street. By the time I go to the store people are out of work and the town is bustling, as much as a small town can. People going to dinner, buying things in the shops, having a drink…seeing a movie…normal everyday activities. I would see this and feel so isolated. They all looked so carefree…I knew how they felt because that was me once. Our son has never been without my wife or I. We have never felt comfortable leaving him with anyone…the complexity of his issues was too much for us to feel safe leaving him with a sitter. Our son can not function in the outside world; the stimulation of Main Street is too much. So as a result we don’t go anywhere together. I would see families walking down the street…their kids walking beside them with out running away! I felt like I was missing out on so much….not so much for myself but I was being robbed of doing all this with my son. Other people laughed and enjoyed the world and I would think of the bubble we were forced to live in. I had hope… I knew it was not always going to be this way but I did not see the path. I would go to the market…have brief interactions with the people there and go home…bracing myself for the return usually trying to lose myself in a movie…trying to forget for a couple of hours. There was more to my life than this of course…I have had great days and terrible days and a lot of days in between. But on the whole we have been isolated from the world physically and emotionally.
But tonight I drove to the store and I got to main street and I saw all the people out doing their thing….having fun…living life…and I saw it differently. I was looking out and I realized I no longer had that sadness and longing to be one of those people. The strange thing is that when I realized this it felt perfectly normal. It occurred to me that for the past week and a half I have had this growing acceptance of who I am, who my son is and what our life is. I can’t express what a gift this is. I have been waiting for a magical moment when my son would wake up one day and say… “Hey dad…I’m all better now can we go someplace fun!” I have been waiting for something that I couldn’t clearly see and when this mysterious change happened in my son then I could be happy. I was tortured over the thought of spending years struggling with this sense of loss waiting for the day he was healed though I could never really see it in my mind. But now I have discovered that though we still have years ahead of us before he will be recovered, all the restrictions we have on our lives are still there, my son is still autistic, but yet I can be happy.
I have been leaving the house and waving to my son in the window as I always do but now I feel ok when I drive away. I feel at peace. I am choosing happiness. I can’t believe I can have it now. I feel so empowered as if nothing is out of my reach. I went to the store tonight; I was standing in the produce section looking at a dad and his son, a boy my son’s age. The boy was just standing there, playing with his hat in funny ways talking to his dad…asking him questions…laughing. I stood in awe how they both thought how normal it was. I was staring at them thinking “My God…you have no idea how lucky you are!” I can see them now but the difference is that it did not make my heart ache. I did not feel this sense of hollowness that I have felt for years when I see this played out over and over gain in the world. I just felt happy…content. Here is where I can start to rebuild my life and who I am. From here is where I can most effectively heal my son. Happy…it’s the place to be.
My wife had some low energy tonight, I asked her what was wrong…I could hear it in her voice. She said it was hormonal…the cycle of things. Her energy was low and I felt it and it pulled me down a little. And as soon as I felt it I thought “Wow…if I can sense that just think of what my boy gets off us every day we have struggled with his autism.” In the past two weeks I have seen such a change in him and it’s from the energy I am projecting. Our everyday life has been altered. I have shifted my perspective and everyone in the house has felt it and we all feel so much better. My son is doing better. We are interacting differently. The whole dynamic has changed. I have so much to learn…I have a stack of things to read and watch. I have so much to write and prepare for…all for my son with the rest of life piled on top. I have no idea how I will get it all done in the few hours I have at night. But that doesn’t faze me as it did. I have found the place to start…the rest will fall into place.
So I drive to town and head down Main Street. By the time I go to the store people are out of work and the town is bustling, as much as a small town can. People going to dinner, buying things in the shops, having a drink…seeing a movie…normal everyday activities. I would see this and feel so isolated. They all looked so carefree…I knew how they felt because that was me once. Our son has never been without my wife or I. We have never felt comfortable leaving him with anyone…the complexity of his issues was too much for us to feel safe leaving him with a sitter. Our son can not function in the outside world; the stimulation of Main Street is too much. So as a result we don’t go anywhere together. I would see families walking down the street…their kids walking beside them with out running away! I felt like I was missing out on so much….not so much for myself but I was being robbed of doing all this with my son. Other people laughed and enjoyed the world and I would think of the bubble we were forced to live in. I had hope… I knew it was not always going to be this way but I did not see the path. I would go to the market…have brief interactions with the people there and go home…bracing myself for the return usually trying to lose myself in a movie…trying to forget for a couple of hours. There was more to my life than this of course…I have had great days and terrible days and a lot of days in between. But on the whole we have been isolated from the world physically and emotionally.
But tonight I drove to the store and I got to main street and I saw all the people out doing their thing….having fun…living life…and I saw it differently. I was looking out and I realized I no longer had that sadness and longing to be one of those people. The strange thing is that when I realized this it felt perfectly normal. It occurred to me that for the past week and a half I have had this growing acceptance of who I am, who my son is and what our life is. I can’t express what a gift this is. I have been waiting for a magical moment when my son would wake up one day and say… “Hey dad…I’m all better now can we go someplace fun!” I have been waiting for something that I couldn’t clearly see and when this mysterious change happened in my son then I could be happy. I was tortured over the thought of spending years struggling with this sense of loss waiting for the day he was healed though I could never really see it in my mind. But now I have discovered that though we still have years ahead of us before he will be recovered, all the restrictions we have on our lives are still there, my son is still autistic, but yet I can be happy.
I have been leaving the house and waving to my son in the window as I always do but now I feel ok when I drive away. I feel at peace. I am choosing happiness. I can’t believe I can have it now. I feel so empowered as if nothing is out of my reach. I went to the store tonight; I was standing in the produce section looking at a dad and his son, a boy my son’s age. The boy was just standing there, playing with his hat in funny ways talking to his dad…asking him questions…laughing. I stood in awe how they both thought how normal it was. I was staring at them thinking “My God…you have no idea how lucky you are!” I can see them now but the difference is that it did not make my heart ache. I did not feel this sense of hollowness that I have felt for years when I see this played out over and over gain in the world. I just felt happy…content. Here is where I can start to rebuild my life and who I am. From here is where I can most effectively heal my son. Happy…it’s the place to be.
My wife had some low energy tonight, I asked her what was wrong…I could hear it in her voice. She said it was hormonal…the cycle of things. Her energy was low and I felt it and it pulled me down a little. And as soon as I felt it I thought “Wow…if I can sense that just think of what my boy gets off us every day we have struggled with his autism.” In the past two weeks I have seen such a change in him and it’s from the energy I am projecting. Our everyday life has been altered. I have shifted my perspective and everyone in the house has felt it and we all feel so much better. My son is doing better. We are interacting differently. The whole dynamic has changed. I have so much to learn…I have a stack of things to read and watch. I have so much to write and prepare for…all for my son with the rest of life piled on top. I have no idea how I will get it all done in the few hours I have at night. But that doesn’t faze me as it did. I have found the place to start…the rest will fall into place.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Brick by brick
I went to the option institute to learn how to recover my son and in doing so I opened a door on how to heal myself. The two are intertwined…inseparable. Dealing with autism can boggle your mind; the complexity of it, the different systems of the body malfunctioning from the same or completely separate stimuli. You have to become a keen observer and detective to discover what the triggers are and how the different systems not only interact with each other but how they interact with the world both together and separately. One of our goals from the start was to create an environment that our son could first survive in and then once we wrapped our minds around it all…how he could thrive and heal. The latter we are still striving to learn.
My week at Start Up has shifted my perspective from seeing everything rushing towards me at once to having the ability to see it all floating like some science fiction hologram…hovering in front of me and being able to see how it is all connected. No longer is it all a blur speeding past with me trying to catch up. It’s as if I was able to hit a slow motion button on my life. I knew everything was connected…the systems in his body, how they each linked to the environment and to us…the food he eats. The world was taking a sledge hammer to my boy every day and I was struggling to learn things that were way beyond me all the while dealing with the emotional devastation of it all.
But now I am learning so much and instead of feeling over whelmed I can just reach out and interact with it all whenever I want. It gives me a chance to process it and make the connections I need to make in order to get to the next step of recovery. Before there was a disconnect between our actions and the result it was hard to know what worked and what didn’t. Now since we shifted our perspective the response to our actions is almost immediate allowing more opportunities to build on and giving us a clarity that we lacked before. For me it’s all about building on what comes before. That sounds simple enough but with out the ability to process it all I was missing steps. I was so focused on the end result I was missing what was happening right now. And this is the beauty of it. I can link that to how I have thought my whole life. I focus on the end result…as if keeping that image will automatically propel me to achieving it. But what would happen is I would not pay attention on how I was to get there, I was not living in the moment, but solely in a dream and eventually I would lose my way…get discouraged and give up. I was so focused on having my son heal I was losing sight of how I actually needed to get that done. We would have a string of good days and possibly weeks and then it would all come crashing down and I would see my dream of recovery take a beating. Instead of thinking we were moving towards it I felt that it was slipping away. I was only positive when my son was doing ok but as soon as his systems would crash I would see the distance between his recovery, and our happiness, become even more distant. I was setting us up to fail. I was not focusing on building on what was happening at that moment. I was missing opportunities to heal for both of us.
What I could not see then that I can see now is that we are constantly moving towards recovery…even on our worst days and our happiness is there everyday if we choose to see it. I now look at every interaction with my son as a chance to build ….even if it is holding him while he sobs in my arms and telling him I love him when the world gets too much for him. I can now see that I need to allow myself the time to build on what I know so I can better serve my son. I don’t have to run full speed towards recovery…I can take a moment to look around me and enjoy, yes I said enjoy the journey! My son has so much too teach me about myself and that is exciting. Everyday we are building a bond and that will serve us everyday and get us through those rough days ahead. As I reach out to him to help him build on a skill he in turn helps me build something with in my self. We are like two Lego structures that have fused together, his blocks interlacing with mine to build a very strong bond. I know recovery can take years but now instead of my happiness waiting for me at the end I can have it right now and enjoy the ride…and for that I am truly grateful.
My week at Start Up has shifted my perspective from seeing everything rushing towards me at once to having the ability to see it all floating like some science fiction hologram…hovering in front of me and being able to see how it is all connected. No longer is it all a blur speeding past with me trying to catch up. It’s as if I was able to hit a slow motion button on my life. I knew everything was connected…the systems in his body, how they each linked to the environment and to us…the food he eats. The world was taking a sledge hammer to my boy every day and I was struggling to learn things that were way beyond me all the while dealing with the emotional devastation of it all.
But now I am learning so much and instead of feeling over whelmed I can just reach out and interact with it all whenever I want. It gives me a chance to process it and make the connections I need to make in order to get to the next step of recovery. Before there was a disconnect between our actions and the result it was hard to know what worked and what didn’t. Now since we shifted our perspective the response to our actions is almost immediate allowing more opportunities to build on and giving us a clarity that we lacked before. For me it’s all about building on what comes before. That sounds simple enough but with out the ability to process it all I was missing steps. I was so focused on the end result I was missing what was happening right now. And this is the beauty of it. I can link that to how I have thought my whole life. I focus on the end result…as if keeping that image will automatically propel me to achieving it. But what would happen is I would not pay attention on how I was to get there, I was not living in the moment, but solely in a dream and eventually I would lose my way…get discouraged and give up. I was so focused on having my son heal I was losing sight of how I actually needed to get that done. We would have a string of good days and possibly weeks and then it would all come crashing down and I would see my dream of recovery take a beating. Instead of thinking we were moving towards it I felt that it was slipping away. I was only positive when my son was doing ok but as soon as his systems would crash I would see the distance between his recovery, and our happiness, become even more distant. I was setting us up to fail. I was not focusing on building on what was happening at that moment. I was missing opportunities to heal for both of us.
What I could not see then that I can see now is that we are constantly moving towards recovery…even on our worst days and our happiness is there everyday if we choose to see it. I now look at every interaction with my son as a chance to build ….even if it is holding him while he sobs in my arms and telling him I love him when the world gets too much for him. I can now see that I need to allow myself the time to build on what I know so I can better serve my son. I don’t have to run full speed towards recovery…I can take a moment to look around me and enjoy, yes I said enjoy the journey! My son has so much too teach me about myself and that is exciting. Everyday we are building a bond and that will serve us everyday and get us through those rough days ahead. As I reach out to him to help him build on a skill he in turn helps me build something with in my self. We are like two Lego structures that have fused together, his blocks interlacing with mine to build a very strong bond. I know recovery can take years but now instead of my happiness waiting for me at the end I can have it right now and enjoy the ride…and for that I am truly grateful.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Into the mist I go
I have started to look at the reasons why I do, or don’t do, the things that are important in my life. Now all my energy is focused on my son so naturally I am looking there first. The guilt I feel, waning though it is, is an obstacle to me in accomplishing much of what I want but I am seeing it now as a by-product of an underlying reason. I had a great Dialogue with Beverley at Option a couple of weeks ago. I started on the guilt I felt surrounding my son…how I felt immobilized by it…confused and lost at times. . I was focusing on the guilt but not what was causing it…my in ability to act…act on desires and tasks. I wanted to help my son. What I discovered was my own thought process. I realized that I take a single action or task (I used an example of hanging a door in the fun room) and run through in detail every step I need to do to complete it. Then once I have reached what I deem as the logical end I walk back through the process looking for things that can go wrong. I don’t know if this is from building houses all those years or if I built houses because of it but the process is deeply ingrained in me. The problem lies in that I apply this to everything and I get bogged down before I begin. I complete the task in my head, deconstruct it then look for things that “could” go wrong and then try to solve those problems. My god I haven’t even left the couch and already I’m exhausted. Multiply this by who knows what on a daily basis its no wonder I feel overwhelmed. Never mind that I am fixating on an end result that I can’t possibly know.
But it speaks to an underlying problem. As I’m doing this I have an internal monologue of “I can’t”. I have to run out every possible scenario on what ever I do because, I realized, I don’t believe I can handle what ever comes my way. I create problems where there are no problems and end up talking myself out of attempting what ever it is I wanted to do. . Instead of looking out at life and seeing endless possibility I see a great multitude of paths I can take but not willing to travel down them unless I think it through until at last I talk my self out of it or just exhaust my self over contemplating the what if’s.
I knew I did this before I had my dialogue but its with Beverley I was able to form two key mental images that help me gain some perspective. The first image is of the multitude of paths: grey, course, thick stepping stones reaching out in every direction blanketed above and below in a white fog. Confusing and uninviting; not showing a single path but all paths with out any being distinguished from the other. This is what I feel in everyday life. This is where the guilt comes from because this is what I see….and that I can’t see the path I want or need to take…I have a choice yet I have failed to pick one and in the mean time my child suffers.
The second image…the one that turned me around was this: I’m in a galvanized tub, in the water; the water is black with little splashes of light being reflected off the surface and all around me is darkness. There is a rope that is tied to my little tub and then to something large and heavy that I can’t see. At that moment I cut the rope with a knife and my tub floats away turning in the opposite direction and all that is before me is a grey mist…. completely void of anything at all and what I feel is absolute contentment. The stones are gone and what I see is not nothingness but endless possibilities. There is no path to choose, nothing to think through, no problems to solve. I’m in my little tub all alone and I can just move a head into the unknown. The rope symbolized the guilt…what it was tied to was my belief that I could not handle what came my way…the “I can’t” monologue that runs in my head.
Through out my life the happiest times for me are when I have stepped out into the unknown with out a concern for what might happen. I have a sketch of purpose and a goal but no final thought on what that will look like or what the journey will hold. When I think about death it is the same…a great nothingness and that sooths me to the core. This ability to just take things as they come, that I know I have, has eluded me most of my life only coming to me in short bursts only to disappear again. The difference is now I am learning to discover the reasons as to why it is not a constant in my life. I know I possess the ability and that is where I think the guilt was coming from. Knowing that somewhere inside peace and happiness was waiting to be uncovered but I lacked the skills at uncovering it myself.
I have not discovered what those beliefs are that prevent me from changing my inner dialogue to “I can” but I know that I will. The dialoguing process opened up an expansive new world of thought to me. The beauty is that Beverley did not give me any of this…she had no answers for me, and was not wanting to give me any but she allowed me the freedom to explore my self and I discovered so much. I look forward to building on this new skill…it has changed my life.
But it speaks to an underlying problem. As I’m doing this I have an internal monologue of “I can’t”. I have to run out every possible scenario on what ever I do because, I realized, I don’t believe I can handle what ever comes my way. I create problems where there are no problems and end up talking myself out of attempting what ever it is I wanted to do. . Instead of looking out at life and seeing endless possibility I see a great multitude of paths I can take but not willing to travel down them unless I think it through until at last I talk my self out of it or just exhaust my self over contemplating the what if’s.
I knew I did this before I had my dialogue but its with Beverley I was able to form two key mental images that help me gain some perspective. The first image is of the multitude of paths: grey, course, thick stepping stones reaching out in every direction blanketed above and below in a white fog. Confusing and uninviting; not showing a single path but all paths with out any being distinguished from the other. This is what I feel in everyday life. This is where the guilt comes from because this is what I see….and that I can’t see the path I want or need to take…I have a choice yet I have failed to pick one and in the mean time my child suffers.
The second image…the one that turned me around was this: I’m in a galvanized tub, in the water; the water is black with little splashes of light being reflected off the surface and all around me is darkness. There is a rope that is tied to my little tub and then to something large and heavy that I can’t see. At that moment I cut the rope with a knife and my tub floats away turning in the opposite direction and all that is before me is a grey mist…. completely void of anything at all and what I feel is absolute contentment. The stones are gone and what I see is not nothingness but endless possibilities. There is no path to choose, nothing to think through, no problems to solve. I’m in my little tub all alone and I can just move a head into the unknown. The rope symbolized the guilt…what it was tied to was my belief that I could not handle what came my way…the “I can’t” monologue that runs in my head.
Through out my life the happiest times for me are when I have stepped out into the unknown with out a concern for what might happen. I have a sketch of purpose and a goal but no final thought on what that will look like or what the journey will hold. When I think about death it is the same…a great nothingness and that sooths me to the core. This ability to just take things as they come, that I know I have, has eluded me most of my life only coming to me in short bursts only to disappear again. The difference is now I am learning to discover the reasons as to why it is not a constant in my life. I know I possess the ability and that is where I think the guilt was coming from. Knowing that somewhere inside peace and happiness was waiting to be uncovered but I lacked the skills at uncovering it myself.
I have not discovered what those beliefs are that prevent me from changing my inner dialogue to “I can” but I know that I will. The dialoguing process opened up an expansive new world of thought to me. The beauty is that Beverley did not give me any of this…she had no answers for me, and was not wanting to give me any but she allowed me the freedom to explore my self and I discovered so much. I look forward to building on this new skill…it has changed my life.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Happy
Being present is the key; being present with love and acceptance at the core. The words are easy to write but not always easy to believe. Though now I feel a few steps closer to living that way. I can see it…see myself being that way and I never could before. I had the hope…the dream but I lacked the clarity to see it. But still even now I struggle to throw off the guilt I have been carrying around with me for so many years; Guilt from my youth which I simply transferred from one life event to the next. I changed and grew as a person over the years but I never let go of the guilt. I have felt it most strongly with my son. Stronger with him because now it is not just me whom I burden with it but someone who relies on me for help and guidance so he can live his life and be happy. My guilt lies in my not reaching my full potential…not doing all that I know I can do. I know we have done much to help our boy. Neither of us flinched at devoting all our resources and abandoning our way of life…our dreams that we had of raising a typical child. It was not easy to accept his diagnosis and to let go of that. It took some time but we did. We have created a life, a beautiful life that revolves around our son’s needs…creating, as best we can, an environment that he can not only survive in but actually heal. The path has not always been clear but we followed our instincts…what felt right…often flying in the face of convention. But still I see daily where I have failed him…letting my emotional exhaustion numb me; allowing myself, giving myself permission, to hide from it at times. I have not read all that I could have. Not taken advantage of opportunities to learn. I know all that I have done but all I could see is what I was not doing.
I can’t explain what has happened to me but that is all starting to fall away. For some reason I now find myself with the ability to let that part of me go. At first I asked myself if it could be that simple…and the remarkable thing is I have discovered that it is that simple. I had a belief about myself that I could not help my son to the best of my ability…with out ever really knowing why; some how a light has shined in on that part of me and now I feel that I can tap into that which hasn’t been awakened until now. The best part of feeling this way is not having any fear of losing it. I have opened the door and there is no closing it…no going back. I will allow myself to let it reveal itself however it needs to. I don’t have to rush at it…it’s a part of me and its not going anywhere…something innate. Happy…it makes me Happy.
I can’t explain what has happened to me but that is all starting to fall away. For some reason I now find myself with the ability to let that part of me go. At first I asked myself if it could be that simple…and the remarkable thing is I have discovered that it is that simple. I had a belief about myself that I could not help my son to the best of my ability…with out ever really knowing why; some how a light has shined in on that part of me and now I feel that I can tap into that which hasn’t been awakened until now. The best part of feeling this way is not having any fear of losing it. I have opened the door and there is no closing it…no going back. I will allow myself to let it reveal itself however it needs to. I don’t have to rush at it…it’s a part of me and its not going anywhere…something innate. Happy…it makes me Happy.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A new begining
After more than 3 years of non stop stress and worry I have finally found the room to breath. I have never….never lost hope for my son. I have always known we will recover him from Autism but it’s the path that has not always been clear. Our son is a miracle baby…beating the odds of even surviving his birth let alone being healthy…yes healthy! Yes he is on the spectrum and has some real challenges ahead but you have never seen such a strong and beautiful boy. He has a light in his eye that never stops shining. Hope and love has led the way through these difficult times. There have been moments when I have been reduced to a lump on the kitchen floor sobbing uncontrollably…emotionally exhausted…and then brought to such heights of joy holding my son in my arms. The emotional swings have been severe and forever unpredictable. But after years of struggling to make sense of it all…clinging to the hope that one day my son will recover I have found respite where I never thought to look for it….in loving and accepting my son exactly as he is right now. Not focusing on what the future will be or what I hope it will be. Not focusing on what has already past or the mistakes I have made. I have found peace in embracing the present for what it is with love and understanding. In order to do this I have had to come to terms with the fact that I must first love and accept myself for who I am right now. I discovered I can’t truly embrace my son until I embrace myself and it’s from this point that the healing for both of us will begin.
I started opening my eyes to this approach several months ago and the effects were immediate and powerful. As soon as I shifted my perspective of my son, from viewing his Autism as something I must remove from him to loving it as I would any other part of him the change was profound. Instead of trying to dodge his Autism in an attempt to reach him I ran towards it with both arms open…loving and celebrating him. I was floored by the response I got. My boy who would retreat into his own world to cope with an onslaught of sensory input he could not begin to handle turned to me laughing…looking me straight in the eye…giddy…as if to say “Hey dad! You found me!!! Yea!!!!”
I can’t say it’s been all happy days since then but we turned a corner…we found the missing piece we had been searching for. The growth we have seen since summer is amazing. I just spent a week at the Autism Treatment Center of America where they teach this approach to parents just like me. I spent a week with 62 parents who knew exactly what I have been going through. It has been a life changing experience and I feel now that I have reawakened a part of me that I had lost track of. I no longer feel numb and battered….I feel empowered and ready to handle what ever comes my way and that will allow me to love and accept my son for who he is right at this moment. It is absolutely a profound and liberating experience that I am deeply thankful for.
I started opening my eyes to this approach several months ago and the effects were immediate and powerful. As soon as I shifted my perspective of my son, from viewing his Autism as something I must remove from him to loving it as I would any other part of him the change was profound. Instead of trying to dodge his Autism in an attempt to reach him I ran towards it with both arms open…loving and celebrating him. I was floored by the response I got. My boy who would retreat into his own world to cope with an onslaught of sensory input he could not begin to handle turned to me laughing…looking me straight in the eye…giddy…as if to say “Hey dad! You found me!!! Yea!!!!”
I can’t say it’s been all happy days since then but we turned a corner…we found the missing piece we had been searching for. The growth we have seen since summer is amazing. I just spent a week at the Autism Treatment Center of America where they teach this approach to parents just like me. I spent a week with 62 parents who knew exactly what I have been going through. It has been a life changing experience and I feel now that I have reawakened a part of me that I had lost track of. I no longer feel numb and battered….I feel empowered and ready to handle what ever comes my way and that will allow me to love and accept my son for who he is right at this moment. It is absolutely a profound and liberating experience that I am deeply thankful for.
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