The Pull

I’m learning to trust…to trust in the process….to trust myself and not only the direction I have chosen but my ability to navigate my way should my path change unexpectedly. This is a recurring theme for me. Since I came back from Son Rise I have had to deal with the ebb and flow of life…it brings me close to my goal and then pulls me back out. At first I panicked and thought I would not return….old beliefs hanging on…but I have learned to step back on this new adventure and look at the whole experience…I have gained a new perspective. I am able to see a pattern …yes I am pulled away from my goal to establish my Son Rise program…work…diet…life’s many obligations tug and yank at me constantly but time and again I return to it…gaining ground….getting closer. My fear was my resolve would waver and fade…as if this can be compared to my lame attempts to play guitar or take up photography as a hobby. As if my past deeds and actions dictated what I would do now at this moment. If that were true I would not be writing these words…I would not be sending them out for the world to see. I have hesitated to step out from the safe places I inhabit but again I can see that I have run with abandon from other safe havens so what is stopping me from doing it when I recognize the need. Well nothing but myself. Will I hesitate…yes I’m sure I will. I’ll forget these words I’m writing…forget the strength I’m feeling now but only for a time…the ebb. William at Son Rise talked of our children being in a “mode”…a time when they seem to regress back into their autistic worlds. This, on the surface, appearing to be a setback but truly is our child taking time to rest…to process all that they have taken in…only to come out of it stronger than before. Why should I deny myself the same healing time…the ebb is my time to process…to gather my strength…the flow is when I implement all that I have absorbed. There are those lucky soles who’s recovery time is a mere blink compared to my own and it is these folks I compare myself to when I’m laying awake at 3 am….thinking of all I have not done. I have and continue to see my short comings as a man and a father as robbing my son of time in the world…free of his autistic bubble…guilt is not easily given the boot to. Not easy perhaps but if I step back now and look at how far I have come in ridding myself of this weight I can see real progress.
Progress…Its hard to gage when the goal is always shifting which now that I think of it is a problem and a source of a great deal of self imposed angst with in me. I am trying to arrive at an effortless place of living in the moment and not being attached to an out come….trusting my self to handle what comes around the bend…and that trust…the trust in myself is the ingredient that will allow me to let go of my expectations and attachment to a future and allow me to live in the present. The trust in me is the anchor that ties me to, and keeps me focused on, the present. So it is here I need to do the most work because I am attaching myself to many outcomes that shift from moment to moment…no wonder I get exhausted. Son Rise, Griffen’s recovery, my marriage, my heath…the diet. I have established a long list of outcomes I desire and I have impaled myself on each one. I am living in an uncertain future and I am running myself ragged. I am slowing myself down…my progress. I am measuring my accomplishments in time...why am I doing this? There is no need to attach myself to any of it because none of it is real…none of it has happened nor will it happen as I have imagined it. Why am I measuring achievements by a timetable? I am not in competition with anyone…though I feel it…feel the race against all the other parents out there. Trying to drive myself with guilt… driving myself with unhappiness. It is all coming down to my lack of trust in me. This is what I have been working on these past months with out always realizing it….I have not recognized the true impact of this until now. I have lacked the focus to drive at the heart of my unhappiness. I said I am learning to trust myself but I had not realized until now how connected it all is to this trust that has eluded me my whole life. It has come and gone in the past as it comes and goes for me now day to day. If I can get to the heart of it then all the rest falls away….the fear, the time constraints….the expectations. The trust will bring me into the present where I can focus on what’s at hand….trusting that whatever I am doing is the right thing to do and allowing me to be present… achieving the satisfaction and the forward motion I strive to feel and be at peace with. There is the “vicious circle” but this can be a “happy circle’. The trust feeds the action and the action develops trust and on it goes. I recognize my need to “mode”…to process all that I have going on…it has brought me to this place now but the goal is to reduce the time I need to do this and to gain the trust in myself…the result will enable me to move through life without being pulled from the present...just as I strive to do this for my boy I can also do this for myself.