Stepping out

I have been feeling lost lately…like I have been set a drift. After returning home from my Son-Rise trip I had a new focus and a different outlook than when I left. The world looked different…the colors had changed. My house…my office felt different. I had this intense feeling …a drive that was strong and I wanted to feed it. I was reading every night and writing. I was focused on learning about Son Rise and exploring myself and the obstacles I had created in my life. I was reaching out to those around me….I felt connected. Something I had not felt in a very long time. I immediately felt my life working its way back in…the distractions…I fought it. The thing is nothing has changed for me but somehow the world has shifted and it all looks different again. I wasn’t ready for this…I didn’t want it to change, at least not yet. I was enjoying myself…I was learning and exploring something new and it was exciting. My focus on Griffen has not shifted…the energy I put forth to his recovery is the same or stronger but my direction has had to switch from Son Rise to the new diet and I feel like I let my guard down…for a second in the transition…and my life that I was able to keep at bay came rushing at me. The sanctuary I had created for a few hours a night has been disrupted…lost and it has left me feeling exposed.
I directed all my energy into the new diet because a window appeared that would allow us to finally start it. I applied myself and we were successful so why am I not celebrating? Have I not moved closer to my goal of recovering my son? I think it comes from the fact that I was so entwined in the Son Rise approach. I was learning how to create a bond with my son but at the same time I was discovering so much about myself. Since I have had to step back from that self exploration I am feeling the vacancy it left. I had discovered something that was making me stronger and that had helped me to break free of the rut I was in. I don’t fear that I’ll some how return to where I was before my awakening but I want to get back to that place…that place of security and light. But right now it feels out of reach.
I am traveling on a parallel path. I am now fully involved in learning and creating our new diet. It’s something that is vitally important to Griff’s recovery but no matter how many hours I spend in the kitchen I feel like I’m not being productive. I know I am nourishing our bodies and finally starting the process of truly healing his gut. But I’m not nourishing my mind. I can see that path next to me but can’t walk them both at the same time. Nourishing my mind was giving me my newly discovered energy. I was given the gift of clarity and direction…something I was lacking and I was able to engage my mind by exploring myself and my son. It was exhilarating and the energy I was able to create fed on itself. There are not enough hours in the day for me to do both or so it appears to me now. I know I will reach a rhythm with the food and I will be able to free up some time but though I’m feeding the body I feel as if I’m starving my soul and I need both to carry on.
As in life…all is connected with a life of autism. You can’t pull on one string with out another feeling the tension. Every thing we do with Griff, with in our four walls, affects him in some new way. Mostly positively but you never know until you give that first tug or two. The diet is important but so is our son rise program…he needs both to recover…both to work simultaneously. I know the day will come when they will be humming along but now…trying to learn and start the two…I’m feeling the stress and the weight of it all. I have all the pieces of the puzzle….I’ve started to put it together but I have reached a point where I’m looking at them and they all look the same to me. I can no longer tell which is the next piece to place or even if there is any order to them at all. I’m being told just to take a step…any step but I cling to the idea that there is a natural order of progression I must follow….even when I have lost sight of what it is. That has left me stuck.
I have discovered, with the help of a friend, that I am unwilling to step out of my comfort zone to accomplish this. And it’s true and I can not understand why it is so hard to see these simple truths at times. I’m scared…scared to move on. It must be the added weight. Perhaps I have a fear I’ll buckle under it. I feel like I’m holding up as much as I can now. With all we have going on implementing the new diet was intense. Our bodies are adjusting to a change in food and dealing with Griff’s reaction has added a new set of challenges. The thought of stepping out of my comfort zone is wholly unappealing. I don’t know where I will get the energy or time to train volunteers to free up the time I need to accomplish the next step. I suppose it’s like writing…you have to be willing to let go of the first draft…edit edit edit. But I lose that editorial perspective when it comes to my life. My routine changes every few days as Griffen’s needs change or we hit an obstacle. I can create room one day and a few days later our life shifts and the plan I created goes out the window. I need to create a continuous thread in my life…something that does not change…something that I can carry within me everyday that will get me closer to my goal of recovery….that will help me stay focused on the gains I have made. I have tried to do this in the past but I always make it something tangible which I now think is a mistake. I know my life is too unpredictable to establish some routine that involves me doing something. I need it to be a mental exercise…a thought that will be a constant…something that will propel me forward and is unaffected by the life outside my mind. I felt I was on my way there. I was side tracked but now I have to fight to create a single path where I can learn and accomplish the parts I must play, dad, husband, teacher, student, chef, friend, and make some room for me. I know it’s possible. I know I have it in me. I just need to take the step outside the comfort zone…I know that’s where the growth takes place. Success lies on the outside. I think I need to find the strength to be vulnerable but something is telling me the strength is the reward one gets after making that first step. Ok…I can do that…if not for myself then for my son.
Rejection and ridicule is basically what I fear…my efforts not being validated…the in-hospitable world tearing down my self worth. That’s the underlying belief I have that prevents me from taking that first step. A few months ago I tried taking that first step and lost a friend in the process…discovering that after a 25 year friendship there was nothing connecting us anymore. I took a step outside my comfort zone and lost a friend so I withdrew back. But I can see it wasn’t something lost but something gained. That friendship felt like an empty shell for a long time. The connection became a reminder of something lost but without the closure. I could not see that until now. I lost the friend long ago but now I have gained the ability to move on from it. It’s true then…the strength does follow the act. Yes…I can take another step…they only will get easier…this I know….I can feel it.