Ripple

I have been starting the process of examining the beliefs I hold and how well they serve me. I may have understood this on some elementary level in the past but I never had the knowledge that I had the power to change my beliefs. Nor did I ever realize how much of on impact my beliefs had on how I view the world…they are how I see the world. In writing this I see the simplicity of it but in practice I have just accepted my beliefs as who I am and how I am never considering that I can discard those which do not serve my best interests.
I have just begun to wrap my mind around this and my exploration into my beliefs is in its infancy but already I feel the change. The most profound change has come with my change in how I view Griffen’s autism. I was amazed how easy the shift was. I had believed Griffen’s autism was a curse, something to be hated and eradicated…I hated it and I was using a great deal of my energy and waking hours thinking like this; so many hours because I was confronted with it non stop. What I did not realize was the extent I was impacting my son by sending that much negative energy his way, preventing his recovery or hindering it a great deal and in the process tearing myself down from the inside out. When the idea was first floated to me “to accept his autism” I recoiled a bit…to me acceptance equaled defeat and resignation. Yet something rang true in the statement and I did not reject it outright. I kept thinking about it and after a few weeks and some further reading I realized what I was doing…I was attempting to separate my son from his autism in my mind but my actions and emotions were still being directed at him…he had no way to know how I truly felt and I can look back now and see, though I tried to keep them separate, in my mind the line was often blurred.
Since I firmly grasped this idea a couple of months ago I have experienced the most profound change. I changed my belief about my sons autism from something I must hate and remove from him like a cancer to simply seeing my son…and accepting the autism as part of who he is…loving it as I do him. Now when I look at my son…when I talk to him and hold him the hatred and fear is not in my heart. I have felt this way every day. There are of course moments when he is having a difficult moment…he is in my arms crying unable to tell me what hurts…I feel powerless and wish for the day he is no longer autistic…and its not as if all my problems have disappeared. But the change in this one belief has caused a ripple effect and now I am examining other beliefs. As I said I am still learning how to recognize what the beliefs are I want to change and more importantly why. But I have learned to look for the friction in my life. When I find myself feeling stressed or unhappy I can take a moment and ask myself why? And once I discover the why I can search out the belief. From there I can examine where and why I constructed that belief and test its validity. I can modify it, replace it, or discard it all together if I think it does not serve me. Wow I have been thinking how to do it and there it is right there. The common objection to this is that it sounds too easy….and I asked my self just that question but the answer came to me in a minute or two…yes it is that easy. There are people who do this without thinking about it…who never had to learn it or acknowledge it. I am moving to a place where it becomes second nature but the joy in discovering it is a gift and is something I am grateful for.
From where I am now I can really go to work on myself….creating the inner happiness that was missing before…my path will reveal itself and be that much smoother. In turn I will be able to serve those around me to a fuller extent and I can see no greater potential to be reached than helping my son. The past two months has been a time of great transformation for me…and though I still have not dropped all the baggage I carried with me for years I am learning let it go and I find strength in that. I may not be moving as fast as I would like but my ability is growing exponentially. I am on my way and aware enough now to start enjoying the ride no matter what is going on in my life….I no longer need a sunny day to feel the warmth of the sun.