The weight

We started the GAPS diet today. I have been preparing for this day for over a week…cooking and studying the diet and recipes. I feel I have a pretty firm grasp on it all…at least enough to get going. I had high hopes though I knew it would be a struggle for Griff. We may have pushed too hard and expected too much. We knew he would boycott food but he refused to drink any water (he is used to apple cider and water mixed). I thought he would come around but by the end of the day we started to consider dehydration and we did not want to go there. So we gave in and gave him his drink and decided to work on just the food and gradually wean him of the juice. This of course means we have to start form square one again once we get him off it.
But I was angry with my wife. I had put so much energy for over a week learning the recipes…buying the food and cooking my ass off to get this going. The diet is a key ingredient in Griff’s recovery. Food has been an important part of his growth and we have been working towards this moment for two and a half years. Finally we are ready to put the final piece of the food puzzle into place. I was prepared and positive…I knew it would be a struggle but staying positive is everything. The last couple of days leading up to today I felt that Rebecca was expressing worry and doubt openly in front of Griffen…I could not believe it…I tried to remind her to stay positive and that it would be ok but I have been getting a negative vibe from her for a few days. We both know this is important and the time is now. I was so angry with her …she would not let her fear go and if I was feeling it I know Griff , who has a super radar for all of our emotions, was picking it up. I felt she was sabotaging our efforts. After all we have been through….I was pissed off. But I, the new Tim, held on to it for a while without just letting my emotions spill out onto the floor.
While Rebecca was putting our limp and tired boy to bed I was festering in my anger…chopping vegetables and preparing my beef soup (which is delicious) and I started to remember how far we have come, how far I have come. Rebecca and I have always relied on each other to pick up the slack where the other leaves off. I have my strengths and she has hers…we try to adapt them to split up the work it takes to keep it all going. I have been realizing more and more over the past 6 months how much I have relied on her to take care of things I could not handle at the time. Early on when Griff’s autism was going full force and our emotions were just shredded every day….reeling from the shock of it all I retreated from it at times and left Rebecca with more than her share…she was the strong one back then…she held the line on days when I had trouble coping. I had been forgetting that as my growth has accelerated. I have always looked to her for guidance…relied on her too much when I felt out of my depth. It has led me to expect more from her than she is able to give. I wanted her to carry the weight I could not… never thinking maybe she was looking to me to do the same for her. Something’s have fallen through the cracks as a result of this…and that I think is normal…to be expected. But I have come into my own in regards to Griff and his autism and the roles have reversed. Rebecca is looking to me to shoulder some of the weight she has been carrying….the problem for me arose when I expected her to still be leading the fight. I have found it with in myself to take a leadership role…I am ready and want to do it…hungry for it but I have forgotten to unburden her of the weight that this role assumes. I have been missing the opportunity to relieve some of the weight she has been managing so she can move on to other things…other aspects of her self and family that need attending to. I have been shifting my perspective of my role in the family but letting my perspective of her stay static….not only is that not productive but it’s unfair.
So I was making the soup and feeling myself get upset but I realized this thought process will lead me nowhere. It will not move me closer to my goal. I was choosing to be unhappy. Now why would I do that? I was blaming her for Griffen not drinking…why? I wanted so badly for this weekend to be a total success…I had done my part so I was covered. I thought her part was to be supportive and positive and that would be enough. When she expressed some doubt I was quick to blame her for it not going to plan. She needed me to support her when she was having a moment of doubt…like we all do. But instead I blamed and distanced myself from her. I wanted to blame someone…not me…not Griff; a crappy thing to do…weak. So I realized instead of getting upset I could work on the problem…we could reach a compromise with Griff. No it had not gone to plan but it was not a loss either….we have come so far…the diet is still going to be implemented. We can adapt to the situation…we are good at that, her and I …Griff too. I have so much hope invested in this diet…and for good reason ...the diet kicks butt….but I allowed myself to transfer the underlying fear I had of the diet not working to anger directed towards my wife when I was up against it. I’m still not embracing my fears….not running up to them and examining them to find out their source…to question them and find the belief that supports that fear….and ultimately change or disregard the belief. But I am learning to move closer to this place of understanding…learning to become more aware.
I have been feeling the distance this past week from Son Rise, my writing and reading. The diet, the food prep has taken all of my time and when my energy is diverted away from my son rise path I feel the fear…the fear of losing a grasp on the growth and progress I have made…the fear of losing the forward momentum. I have tapped into something in me and I don’t want to lose sight of it ever again….I don’t want to run from it like I have most of my life. Every day I get closer to losing that fear. Every day I get closer to the mind set of love and acceptance of all things.
My wife is an amazing woman and has taught me so much…she has supported me in many ways and helped me to grow…she believed in me when I did not believe in myself…I want to be there for her in whatever way she needs me to be. I want to love and accept her for who she is at any moment…