The Embrace

Time has been flying by. In a way it feels like I just got back from my trip to Son Rise. It’s like the past three months have been a life time in itself….albeit a short one. I have had such a wide range of emotions and it feels like I have been shot out of a circus cannon… having to figure out how to land in the net before I get there. They told me how to do it as I was climbing into the cannon but now that I can see the net approaching I realize I have not worked it all out.
The net is my advanced training class at Son Rise in April. I realized the other day I have been apprehensive about going. I am excited to go and know I will learn so much but I have that old feeling…like going back to school or that I’m about to take a big test….I don’t feel prepared….worse yet I have guilt because I feel that I should be prepared. I have yet to implemented our Son Rise program with Griffen….I was feeling as if I was going to show up and not fit in….that everyone would turn to me and look upon me with scorn…disdain because I had not risen to the challenge. “You’re not in the fun room yet? You didn’t bring a video….why? What’s stopping you? What’s wrong with you?” In this fantasy I mutter a feeble response… “its me…I’m stopping me” I make the excuse of "I have been trying" and list all that I have done….state all the gains we have made because of the Son Rise principles…..but my achievements only serve as excuses.
I thought about this and I could imagine my trip out there…walking into the cafeteria meeting all the other parents. I realized how far I carried this fantasy….I was making excuses why I had failed….I was feeling guilty and shameful. I thought about how uplifting my first trip was. There were no expectations of me then…I was open and ready. But now I and I alone have created this bar I should have reached. I wonder if I would have placed this bar out of reach regardless of how much I had achieved. I thought about my previous trip and the joy it brought me and discovered that if I stayed with the current mind set I would set myself up for disappointment and a great deal of unnecessary suffering. I want to get the most out of my trip. It came to me like a kick in the head that I can celebrate all that I have done to date; that I have nothing to be ashamed of. My family has made great strides in such a short time, Griffen has blossemed since we started our training, I have grown so much as a man and a father, and we have implemented a very involved dietary change...all this in the last three months and we are determined and driven to achieve our goal of running a successful Son Rise program. I do not have to prove that to anyone. It occurs to me that the only person I was trying to prove that to was myself….Its why I had imagined an inhospitable environment at Son Rise when I know at my core my experience will be like walking into a warm embrace of a friend.
I can see my life as moving from one bubble to the next. A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of being on the playground as a child….feeling isolated by my inability to communicate clearly. Standing alone not being able to find and form the words that would gain me entrance into a world I longed for. That feeling has followed me through out my life though my ability to communicate has evolved and ceased to be an obstacle. To be honest I felt it at times when I was at Son Rise in December. I would stand in the cafeteria and look out at the other parents…after a couple days I could see many had formed groups of friends and they would stick together. Again I felt like the misfit…not fitting into a group. It was like standing on the playground again or walking into the school lunch room…wondering if I would see a friendly face I could sit with…if I could find someone to accept me…not being aware as a child of the power that sitting alone can bring…the strength of self-reliance. When I fall into the trap of looking at life through these old beliefs I forget this lesson today.
I was feeling that way again thinking of my trip…standing outside of the crowd….wanting to be a part of it but not feeling worthy. Needing the validation of others instead of trusting in myself and what I had accomplished. But then like so many other times in my life when it really comes down to a choice… I ask myself “what do I want”. I ultimately choose to confront that feeling of isolation but really I choose to accept it as a part of who I am; something to be proud of. I don’t have to be the person who feels comfortable in a crowd….to blend into a group. I stood in the cafeteria at Son Rise and those self doubts came to me but I decided that I did not want to hide…I wanted to explore so I went down and sat with someone new….I embraced my inner misfit. It was exhilarating because I wanted to discover as much as I could. Being the way I am helped me achieve that…It is something to celebrate. I can trust that I have done the best I can to date. I can go to Son Rise in April with my head held high….proud of the progress I have made and know full well I will be embraced by all because I come to them eager to learn and share.
I am still working on loving and accepting myself as I am. I am still working on loving and accepting Griffen as he is. . I know the place I want to get to. I can see it and I am determined to get there. It’s just that the steps I need to take to get there get obscured from time to time. It’s as if there are many paths I need to take to get to this one place. I have confronted this before….I am trying to travel on many paths that all arrive at the same place and they begin to blend together and it is hard to distinguish them. I am pulled from one path to the next in my urgency to gain ground but I only end up slowing my pace. There is only one path to take...the one that I am on...I just have to choose to see it that way. As it is now I feel each step I take is a distraction or a detour from my progress…but they are all steps toward my goal. I can trust in myself that each step I take is a step forward. The time lines and expectations will fall away. Again it comes down to living in the moment and trusting myself to find my way.