Signs

We have been implementing a new diet for Griff for the past three weeks. Since Griff has “leaky gut” changes in diet effect him significantly. The trick has been to find the right foods to starve the yeast and the pathogens and feed the beneficial bacteria and flora in his gut. Since there are no cookie cutter solutions, just guidelines, it’s a trial and error approach taking weeks or months to find out if a food can be tolerated and is beneficial. So swings in behavior and spikes of autistic symptoms are normal and to be expected. I knew what was coming but it’s still hard to see him revert back to behaviors I have not seen for a while. This past week or two the sun was not shining that much…I was in the kitchen and taking care of Griff and my Son Rise connection (my ability to read and write about it) was thin to non-existent. Son Rise and Option led me to a strong place that will allow me and Griff to heal in our own way…but my grip on it has yet to be complete and while I am in the beginning of adopting and learning new ideas I have a need to stay close to it. Being hip deep in cooking and all things food I was feeling the distance and a few days ago I actually started to feel stress that I have not felt since prior to my Son-Rise trip. It was a little scary that I could be so close to feeling that way again….being lost and set a drift. Griff’s symptoms were in full swing. His verbal communication had diminished a great deal as well as his responsive language. He still showed a lot of the gains he has made but you had to prompt him…he was distant. Though I knew that is part of recovery…on top of everything else…it was getting me down and I felt myself pulling away from him when he would have a rough patch. Not wanting to distance myself from him but his autism….but it is part of him and who he is and that’s where the love and acceptance can be a challenge.
So yesterday I’m trying to engage him…trying to keep that loving and accepting attitude…I ask him to come over to the easel. His drawing has always been sporadic and pretty basic. He can draw some basic shapes but not to well….faces are better but very simple. He has never written letters or numbers. He can read, knows his alphabet, count front and back to a 100, and spell words with blocks…but can’t draw to well and his desire to do so comes and goes. So I take his hand and put the pen in it and guide his hand drawing shapes and signs. He loves stop signs so we drew one….I carefully explained how we were drawing it describing the angles of the octagon and the letters. All the time wondering if I’m getting through because he did not show any response. It was a rough day and I had trouble getting close to him and my three "e’s" were low. He walked away after that. That night I was cooking and feeling that scared feeling and wanting to get back on track. It was late but I read some “To love is to be happy with”. When I let some distance get between myself and what I desire...getting back to it always seems so complicated. I was feeling that way with Son Rise and all it took was taking 20 minutes and reading some pages. All that I have gained and learned has not left me but the day to day Mr. Mom routine, the ebb and flow of my emotions and all of life’s distractions can make it seem so at times. Reading I was reminded of what’s important….the simplicity of love and acceptance and the power of being present and in the moment.
When I woke up today I read the passages I had read the night before and reminded myself what I wanted and all that I have done. I was determined to engage Griff all day and not be distracted or allow myself to judge his autism as “bad”. I walked towards it with my arms outstretched…defeating it with a warm embrace. We had a great day. Griff had some rough moments but we got through them together. But something happened early on. I put some paper in front of him on a whim and a marker and he started drawing all this fruit. Naming each piece…I was celebrating him…he was so engaged, verbal and drawing better than I have seen in a long time. After 10 minutes of drawing at a feverish place I asked him to draw me a stop sign. He took his pen in his awkward grip and drew an octagon! I could see his brain working to remember each angle….I could see him recalling yesterday when we did it together and though the ends did not match up he nailed it….then he draws inside the octagon an “S” then a “T” then an “O” and says “stop sign”. I think he would have drawn the “P” but he ran out of room. Wow did I celebrate that! He has never done that before. I was so happy and proud. It reminded me that he is learning all the time and though he may not be able to acknowledge me or show me right then that he gets it …he is still growing every single minute. He then draws a rail road crossing sign very well and draws the two “R” ’s. in the “X”. Writing letters and words just like that in the midst of his current upheaval….it really gives me hope and reaffirms our belief that we are on the right path.
I have never had a conversation with him, never heard him say I love you…though I know he does with all his heart. I have to look for those moments of growth where ever I can no matter how small. Today I saw something remarkable. It reminded me that I allow him to grow and heal when I create that loving and supporting atmosphere….we all need it its just he needs it greatly amplified 24 hours a day. To do this I need to find that place of love and acceptance within me that I can sustain from moment to moment. It will become like breathing…effortless. That’s what I have been working on….covering more ground than I ever have in such a short time to get there….and I feel like I’m close.