Rocket Man

I woke up the other day and crawled into bed with Griff while he still slept and the oddest thing occurred to me. I am a Super Hero…or like one. A Super Hero discovering what he is capable of. As I was laying there I saw myself as the Greatest American Hero. For those old enough to remember he was the average guy who was delivered a Super Hero suit by aliens only to loose the instruction manual. He did good deeds and righted wrongs but he never got the hang of the suit…flying off into bushes…not landing gracefully…doing things he had no intention of. But it always worked out in the end…the bad guys got caught and though he never prospered in a material sense he was always happy in the end.
A Super Hero…a force of nature...the same thing I think. I was looking at my boy sleeping peacefully in the morning…his sweet face…calm and perfect. I thought of all I have been trying to do and how a lot of it misses the mark…or feels as though it does. At times being lost and unsure of what to do…not knowing what works but having to rely on my gut because there are no guarantees…no “do this and he will recover”. I was thinking today while I was trying to make this palatable blend of, fish oil, sauerkraut juice, his probiotic, and blended cauliflower. I’m spreading this concoction on a meat ball thinking “Jesus is this going to work?” He was out side throwing sand into the air so he could see the cloud dust and saying “Smoke!” but it was coming out “Snoke!” He was having a blast emptying the sandbox on to the lawn. But for me it was one of those moments I questioned what I was doing. He has not done this “ism” for two or three years. I know he is taking care of him self but for a couple of hours I was fighting it in my mind. My moment of triumph came when instead of slipping into self pity and frustration I was able to recall what I have been learning: all we have is now…this moment and that and I can trust in myself and know that I am doing the right thing for me and him right now based on what I know today. He is doing the best he can….I know that but reminding myself that I am to…that and truly believing it…this helped me gain the perspective I needed to enjoy my day…regardless of what Griff was doing or not doing. Once I did that I could embrace him again. I could walk out to the sand box and join him…be happy for him…the fear…my fear…was not there keeping us apart. And as soon as I let that wall disappear he engaged me…and let all the growth he has achieved shine through. His body has been going through a lot lately with all the changes in diet and he has needed to retreat into himself at times. Some old behaviors have resurfaced…and I have at times let them trigger some of those old fears that only succeed in driving him further away and lake me miserable. But when I choose to love and accept him he makes the effort to reach out and connect. It is really the most amazing thing to witness.
So here I was staring at my son seeing myself as a Greatest American Hero of sorts…struggling to do good…trying to do the right thing …fumbling and crashing into things because I lack the instructions…but then, in a moment of clarity, I could see how I am actually evolving into a true super hero…the comic book ideal. All the work we have done these 6 years…the past 4 months of me trying to wrap my mind around the Option process…not just to understand it but to begin to live it. Not only say I love and accept myself and my son but feel it…breathe it. I could see it happening…not arriving at full super hero status yet…but I could look back on the fumbling dad who is lost and see the changes that have taken place. I could see myself on my way to being that Super Hero dad…that force of nature for my son. Like all super heroes…I am flawed and have weaknesses but I have direction and purpose…not needing an instruction book but acting from trust and acceptance of Self. With out realizing it I have been living in the moment more than I thought. I have been studying and focusing on what I want to accomplish and learn that I had not realized how far I have come. Staring into his sleeping face I felt a real sense of accomplishment and that made me happy. And where I once thought this happiness would make me complacent it only drives me on and emboldens me to try even harder…to reach a little more inside myself when I have those moments of fear and self doubt. I am learning to trust myself…learning to let go of my fears. Each day I am moving closer to the ideal…and knowing that I never have to reach it in order to be happy and help my son…but that the constant striving for it is enough.