Shining through

For years I found it hard to hear other people talk about their neuro-typical kids. It would only make me think what I did not have with my son and so I began shutting out the world so to speak. As Griff has moved through the healing process it became easier to allow others in. I also had a “fear” of hearing about spectrum kids who recovered from autism or who just improved. My fear was based on my not always being able to see my son healing…or just plain guilt for thinking I was not doing enough.
Many of these feelings have been dissipating, more so recently but today they came rushing back when I read an e-mail from a dad who was sharing some advances his boy has made. His motive was pure…too celebrate, share, and encourage. But I started to read it this morning and could not get through it. Griff has been experiencing die-off or a flair up of yeast not sure which. Some of his “symptoms” have come back fairly strongly and when this happens it’s always a bit of a shock. I have been sharing our success and have been meaning, but failed, to put a disclaimer out there to those who may be going through what I am now. We all go through cycles….great leaps forward then it’s yanked a way for reasons unknown. It’s during these times when Griff is literally bouncing off the walls screaming that it is hard to hear of others success. Today after my initial reaction to Griff I could feel myself slipping back into the pattern of mourning with the return of some behaviors…the dread washing over me of what was to come. But then I remembered all that I have learned recently and made a conscience effort to look at it differently. My son seemed happy and was taking care of himself. I did not have to worry about him in that moment or fear for his future. I told myself it’s a temporary setback and soon he will get back on track. That calmed me and then I was able to delight in his gains that still shine through his behaviors that help him cope. Before I only saw the autism when he was having a rough time but today I could see more of my son and I focused on that. The gains he’s made don’t get erased he just doesn’t have the energy to use them at that particular moment. It’s not a setback after all…he’s simply using his energy to heal…It’s a time of growth…. It just takes a little presence of mind to see it that way. There are no setbacks...no steps back....eveything that happens contributes to who we are.
I rescued myself from that downward emotional spiral I used to let myself embrace fully. Pulling myself back from the edge allowed me to smile and laugh with my boy today so when he called me from the hallway “DA!” I walked into the hallway where he stood by the linen closet door “Open the door” he says. I happily comply celebrating his request …I look in the closet and then at him and ask him what he wants “Blanket” he says looking at me. I hand it to him and all smiles he runs down the hall with it. That made my day and I was able to enjoy it because I did not allow myself to fall into that old routine of self pity.
Staying connected is paramount…learning and sharing with others both the highs and the lows. It empowers me and reminds me of the inner strength I possess. Cutting myself off and falling inward does not get me any further down the path. I know I was only trying to let myself heal or cope when I did this and that’s ok…I was doing the best I could. But now I am discovering, on a daily basis, that I can meet it all…and I mean all of it….with a smile….with love and acceptance. It’s what I want my son to do. To reach a point where he does not have to turn inward but can greet the day…every day…head on and learn to cope, navigate, and succeed with ease. I can model this for him….be a shining example…I can be a force of nature in his life.