The good days far out number the challenging days now; we lose track of the progress we make because we are so involved in the day to day…it usually takes a rough patch to remind us how far we have come. For the past 3 or 4 years I have felt tired, overwhelmed, and exhausted. Those three words were forever, it seemed, at the forefront of my mind…its how I began to see myself…as if that was my natural state of being. Thankfully that has faded increasingly over the past 6 months…even quicker recently.
This past weekend Griff had a little rough patch and I felt that tiredness creeping back into my life. Although I could always identify the source of my weariness (my son’s autism) it never once brought me comfort. Yes I would think when he’s better I won’t feel this way but that day never felt close and therefore gave me no comfort; my happiness always contingent on some external event and that never felt secure. I was talking with a friend last night and she helped me realize something. I have been learning to accept my son for who he is right now and I have felt the weight lifted from my shoulders. As I told my friend I felt tired recently I realized that it was not my son’s actions, his rough patch, his autism that was making me feel tired but it was the judgments I was making about him…his autism. I have been learning about the beliefs we hold and the judgments we make and how they directly impact our happiness because it is through them we see ourselves and the world. We adopt these beliefs of our own choosing so we can also let them go and replace them with beliefs and judgments that contribute to our happiness. I realized in a moment that my judging Griff’s “behavior” was the cause of my unhappiness…my exhaustion… not the behavior itself. All I have to do is stop judging the behavior or symptoms of his autism as bad…and not only that but truly see them as a good thing because everything he does has a reason…to help him cope in a world that he has difficulty in.
I sat down at my desk last night and I wrote “I can stop judging Griffen”, not “I should” or “I will”, but I can. It’s a choice I can make not something I have to do. It’s my choice how I see the world, how I see my son. I feel like I have been swimming against the current most of my life thinking this what I was supposed to do to hold on to my identity. Like I felt I had to make a mark on everything that past me. . I’m seeing with my son I can experience so much more…learn and grow more when I relax. I am finding not only am I not surrendering who I am, as I thought I would, but I am discovering things about myself that I never knew were there. I can’t help but think that if I can create that environment for myself and my son then he will experience the same growth as well. Instead of fighting just to get through the day he will be free to heal and discover a way into our world…away to relate to his surroundings that will bring him happiness. I don’t know if I would have become conscious of all this if it was not for his autism. It’s why I can look at this as a blessing.
I feel like I am looking at the same idea over and over again but each time my perspective has shifted and something else is revealed that contributes just that much more strength to this new way of looking at the world. Those words “I can stop judging” are so obvious but it never occurred to me I could alter my judgments and beliefs to make me happy instead of sad. I never knew I had the power to do that…. My son reveals something new everyday. His progress slow but constant and he has always been a source of strength for me. It has given me hope for his future and mine.
Monday, January 4, 2010
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Very nice post. Repetition, repetition, repetition of those concepts help solidify them. That's why I am particarly glad you are blogging.. it is good for me to be reminded as well since I was doing the same thing with my son!
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You are such an inspiration. Thank you for seeing your child as the gift that he is. I'm glad you are enjoying learning about life again through your son's eyes. What a gift he has given you. You are so special for opening your heart and mind to him. The relationship you share with him is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.
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