The Rift

I came back from Son Rise a changed man and really engaged with my son and the direction we were heading toward recovery. I was writing everyday…reading and I felt connected to it all. But life has been hammering away at me since I got back and I allowed it to pull me away from my focus. Just the day to day…fixing up the house to get our program going…work has been taking up most of my free time. Each day that has passed I have found it harder and harder to hold on to the attitude I brought back with me from happy camp. And that has been gnawing at me because I know no matter what life throws my way I never have to lose it…it’s a choice. But I was less engaged and being pulled in many directions. I have been letting it overwhelm me and Griff’s recovery was once again starting to feel like a huge insurmountable task instead of a journey to be enjoyed.
But I had a moment today that allowed me to step back think about where I was heading. Griff has been having a hard time these past two weeks…generally tweaky and having a hard time maintaining. He has made a lot of progress lately so I know he is diverting his energy away from coping with the outside world in order to process the growth he is experiencing. Though I can look at him and his autism now with love, acceptance, and a depth of understanding that was lacking before it is still hard sometimes to see him struggling to cope with the light coming in through the windows or whatever seemingly random stimulus that is rocking his world. Watching your child having an equivalent of a bad acid trip can suck the life out of you and make you feel utterly useless. Today we were in the bathroom and he was looking in the mirror. I was sitting there feeling generally overwhelmed…looking at the pealing paint in my bathroom because our exhaust fan has never really worked right and feeling a little down on myself. Griff is standing there contorting his body…screaming and grunting into his hand then takes the water pick off the wall and gives it a yank and the whole thing crashes into the sink sending stuff flying all over. The rift that I had created between me and my goals seemed so wide at that moment…I picked him up and plopped him in the hall way and shut the bathroom door.He was crying and I felt like an asshole. It took me a few moments of just breathing deeply to compose myself. I picked him up and put him on our bed and we played our game where I blow on his stomach (we call it “the noise”). He loves it and in less than a minute he was laughing and looking in my eyes with a big smile saying “I WANT THE NOISE!” It was one of those simple moments where I realized that I can decide to be focused again. The rift that had seemed so large before disappeared and I made a decision to reprioritize my life and have faith in my ability to make the adjustments I need to keep our life going without sacrificing the time I need to dedicate to my son. Griff reminded me that happiness is a choice and our life is in the moment and nowhere else. My son is my teacher.
It got me thinking of the importance of staying connected to Son Rise and our program. It really has to become our focus. It can seem overwhelming because it is literally like a full time job but once we get it rolling it won’t feel that way…it will become our life. I will focus on the moment…being present with my family and keeping close what is truly important. The other stuff will fall into place. Not that what I need will some how magically be provided but I will be in a secure and centered place that will enable me to handle what comes my way and have the clarity to see the path I need to take. For me that’s all there is…to be in that place…in the moment….Happy.