I Can

I am thankful for the journey I am on. Saying that still seems a little strange but fills me with happiness so I know it’s true for me. It seems every time I turn around I am discovering I have taken another step forward. Before I felt as if I was trudging through deep snow and now it feels more like the express walkway at the airport.
I went to Maximum Impact last week…my second Son Rise training. I went there to get a deeper sense of love and acceptance for my self and through me of Griffen. I wanted to increase my level of self trust…to be more authentic with myself and others. I want to put my self out there without hesitation. To be comfortable with everything I say. To say and do what I mean to do and stand behind it.
I left with this and more though it has not all come to the surface. But something significant has shifted for me. I feel as if I can take it all to the next level. Before I went I felt restricted somehow….not overwhelmed but I lacked the ability to see it happening…to know that it would. I have that now…that trust in my being that I know I can make it happen.
I found my self amongst some amazing parents…truly inspired by their strength. As I did at Start up I struggled with my ability to blend and interact with them all. At first I was self conscience of it…it felt awkward. I wanted to engage on a deeper level than I did but could not. At first I resorted to some old beliefs that something was lacking in me….that I was distracted somehow. But as the week progressed I realized that I was functioning with in the group in a way that was perfect for me. I was very present with those around me but limited my exposure. I found I was able to give only so much of myself. I need to take more in than give out. Why exactly I don’t know. I think for me I can’t absorb and project myself at the same time. I need to take it all in and let it soak into every nook and cranny….then I can gain some perspective on it and then give back something meaningful. Unfortunately by this time we have all gone our separate ways…the chance to create that ever lasting bond is gone. That saddens me a bit but I have faith in the way I operate…that it’s what’s best for me. This realization is a blessing. I have beaten myself up over this for my entire life. I always manage to make a few deep connections that last and I am thankful for that.
I discovered strengths I thought I had lost or never knew I had. I found the intense pain, sorrow and fear that had permeated every part of my life has become a distant memory….so much so when I try to recall it there is only the faintest twinge of discomfort left. The pain and fear I lived with everyday are now just images of the words themselves in my minds eye. My god when did that happen! Four months ago I thought happiness and peace were years away and as it turns out I have them now. I have accomplished more than I could have imagined in such a short time….it staggers my mind to think what I can accomplish with the rest of my life and for my son.
I no longer doubt I will heal my son. I am not attached to an out come…healing and recovery have really just become a state of mind…if I am loving and accepting in the present moment then where I ever I am is good. ….its a “where ever I am...is the place to be” kind of thing. It’s as if where ever I turn I see something good or know a way to find a solution. Still I have my moments where I lose sight of this astounding new gift but it’s always within reach. I now see opportunity where I once saw obstacles. I have to say these words coming from me is….I don’t know…I want to say unbelievable but no…that’s not correct. To be honest it feels right….like this is me and always has been I just could not see it before.
My week at Max Impact gave me many things but most importantly it gave me the freedom to know that I can….I can do anything and I have the knowledge to answer life’s questions even though the answers may not always be at my finger tips. I know that even when I struggle, when I am lost, when I am scared I know I will find my way….that I have the answers with in me if I am persistent and continue to search them out. How exciting is that! What a journey. The deeper I go within all that I learn spreads out from me into my world. I started down this path to heal my son and as it turns out it is healing me as well and everything I touch or look at seems that much brighter. I have discovered this beautiful life…..I am thankful for it….every day.