The Here & Now

“Siddhartha spoke with delight. This discovery had made him very happy. Was then not all sorrow in time, all self torment and fear in time? Were not all difficulties and evil in the world conquered as soon as one conquered time, as soon as one dispelled time?” HH

I have read Siddhartha 4 or 5 times…each time I bring something new to the text and it reveals something new to me. This time I read the copy I had in college. I was delighted to see the passages I underlined almost twenty years ago are the same ones that resonate with me now. I was on the same path then as I am now but now I can look back and see how far I have come…how much closer to my goal of self discovery and acceptance I have become.
I have discovered that time and the hold it has had on my life has caused me so much grief and pain. My constantly looking to my past in an attempt to identify who I am while looking forward trying to anticipate events so I can navigate them. Feeling trapped by the past and uncertain about the future I have worn myself down to a nub. But now I am becoming aware….like Siddhartha I sit by the river and have discovered the power of living in the moment….recognizing that there is only the present moment and the past and the future do not exist any where but right now.
I have days where I struggle to get through. I finally realized that these are the days that I look at what we have not done in the past to help my son and look to all that we must do and become overwhelmed by it. These are the days that I get discouraged and the distance between Griff and Rebecca increases. I am then forced to dig myself out of the mental hole I am in and get back on track. I do this continually…why? Out of habit and because I never knew I could change the pattern.
I have been slowly but steadily examining my beliefs. I’m amazed how easy it is to change or discard them. To examine them…to dissect them and discover where they come from is hard at first…because it’s like working a soft and unused muscle; easy to give up on but I have pushed through and I am getting better at it…stronger. I feel like it is becoming a habit…when I feel uncomfortable, mad, upset, frustrated…I stop and ask myself why I feel the way I do…and follow the thread back to the source. I have far from mastered it…I have only scratched the surface but I have seen enough to make me want to go on.
No where in my life has this helped me more than with my son. I have given his recovery my all. I have made mistakes….at times I have retreated into myself unable to function at my best…and I have done great things to help him. But for most of his life…until very recently…I have viewed it all as a burden…a sacrifice. What I did not realize before is that I have always had a choice. I have not needed to do any of it. All that I have done I have done because I wanted to. Yet I have lived with unhappiness all these years thinking that joy will return to my life when my boy is recovered. Then the image I had of myself with my son could be fulfilled. I lacked the vision to see that my happiness was all around me…waiting to be discovered.
I have been attached to an outcome….having a typical kid…doing all the things most people take for granted; living a normal life. I have wanted that…so much and I was reluctant to let go of it. I didn’t want this to be my life….I thought it would be giving up. But I am seeing…really seeing that this is a beautiful life I have. I am starting to see all the beauty and wonder that Griffen has brought to our lives. How his autism has brought us so close together and I can see this when I live in the moment…when I don’t look back or peer into the future. When I accept that now is all I have I am truly happy. It does not mean I stop trying or that I cease to be able to navigate successfully through life. It’s quite the opposite…my vision expands…I become even more aware and in touch with what’s around me. My mind is no longer cluttered with the fear and anxiety of the past and future. I operate with a clarity that I have longed for.
I am still in transition…I lose sight of this new found ability and have those “Greatest American Hero” moments. I struggle and fall into old habits but I have glimpsed the possibility of living a life like this….where living in the moment is like breathing…effortless. I always thought that kind of happiness did not exist…or could not for me. But I no longer feel that way. I am learning to conquer time by learning to recognize that there is no past or future. There is only my interpretation of it through my current beliefs. I can change my past by changing my beliefs and I can conquer the future by not becoming attached to an outcome. There are of course moments when I day dream and entertain hopes of what I would like to see. So often I would use these moments to escape my current situation but I realized today that I now day dream about my life now…I think about Griffen’s recovery and the steps we can take to get there. This is a giant step to living in the here and now.
I am starting to see all the possibilities for happiness in my life…right now. I am no longer seeing my life as one of sacrifice but seeing it for the gift it truly is. The gift of Griff’s autism and all the positive change it has brought into our lives. The martyr in me is dead and with it I can say goodbye to the weight…the sorrow…the despair martyrdom brought to my life. I have the choice to believe that my son’s autism is just another part of his beauty…once I do that there are no barriers to my happiness.

“Therefore it seems to me that everything that exists is good----death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly. Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my love and understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me” HH


Both quotes are from Herman Hesse’s “Siddhartha”