Love and Acceptance

When I went to Son Rise for the first time last December I was immediately taken in by it. It all wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I felt like I found the key...I felt like I was, for the first time, in the right place. The concepts, the ideas, the attitudinal shifts they suggested...I embraced it all. But I was coming out of a pretty heavy funk and just because I connected with the approach...the technique...whatever you want to call it didn't mean I got it all right away. It has taken time for me to integrate it into my life but after months of working on it I am seeing the results.
The three E's...Energy Excitement & Enthusiasm. I had the hardest time with this. When I went to Son Rise for the first time I was open to the experience but seriously burned out and had retreated into myself. I agreed and embraced all that they said....I was ready to hear, learn, and heal but my reserves were low and I doubted my ability to have as much energy excitement and enthusiasm as they were suggesting. I was still really struggling with Griff's autism. So I came home and started to study it all. I could not get into the playroom. I didn't have it in me. Tormented by this though I was...I knew that for me I had to fix myself first. The other day it dawned on me that the three E's...that have been so elusive for me...or so I had thought...had eased into my life without me fully realizing it. In what became a kind of “duh!” moment I saw that the energy, excitement and enthusiasm I wanted to have for myself was born out of the love and acceptance I have been building for me and my son. I have been able to dialogue with myself these past months...chipping away at the beliefs that are getting in the way of what I want. And now the connections are starting to happen. As I discard and change one belief it affects others. What I find most exciting about this is now it does not seem all so impossible...in fact it's absolutely possible. Before I wanted to see it...to truly get it all but it was then just a dream...a hope that I could rise to the occasion as others had before me. Part of me knew I would get there but there was still the fear that had a strong hold on me...the one that whispered in my ear that maybe I wouldn't get “it”. Now I am making some astounding changes in my own life as well as Griffen's....I see it happening like the dominoes are starting to fall. I look out at what had seemed insurmountable and know that I can affect the positive change in my life that I have longed for.
I arrived at the Option Institute today for my second training. I have been longing to come back here since I got home from start up. It was a place of retreat and healing...a place of hope and belonging. Those first couple of months I clung to this place in my mind afraid to let go...needing...yes needing to come back...afraid to let go or stray to far from it lest I lose the connection. But the closer the day came to my return the stronger I got. As my inner strength and understanding grew the less I needed to hold on with both hands...and now the training wheels have come off. OK so maybe Bear's is still running behind me holding onto the seat but I return today a different man. I came here last time with fear and sorrow still in my heart. Ready to weep to let out all the stress, unhappiness and fear I had in me. I first came here reaching out of dark hole for a helping hand to lift me out. It is still a place of healing and hope to me but now I arrive as a man who has stepped out of the darkness and into the light. I no longer have to spend most of my energy to maintain my balance and composure...I can now focus my energy on growing and better understanding me, my son, and the world around me. I am starting to live everyday using the Option/Son Rise principles. No longer just reading or saying the words but applying them and seeing results and integrating them into who I am. Every single day something amazes me...and it is all connected to the way I feel about myself. I am truly experiencing love for myself and that is what I now give to my son and the world around me. I need to work on this everyday and I slip plenty but I am starting to reap the rewards of this new found understanding. I am able to build on it a little each day...creating a strong foundation for the rest of my life. I mistrusted and fought with myself for so long that I had no idea of the negativity I was projecting out to the world. I knew something was not right but I was clueless to know how to recognize it or change it. Continually looking outside of myself to find or be given the answers...not knowing I had them all along. I am thankful for Griff's autism...it is a blessing. This is no longer lip service...I feel it. He has affected such a positive change in our lives and it has led me to a place of self discovery that will in turn help him step closer and closer to us.
My growth and its direct affect on Griff was demonstrated to me today on my trek east. I have been afraid of flying my whole life. I thought it was because I was afraid to die but in preparation for my journey out here today I started to explore my beliefs about it. I realized I am not afraid of death itself. It is in fact the moment I realize I'm going to die that scared me the most and flying presented the perfect opportunity to bring up that fear. I asked myself why I was afraid of those few seconds before death and it came to me it was the regret I would feel for the things I had not done and letting myself, and now my family down. The thought of my son and my not being able to heal him. But it all came down to thinking I was incomplete, that I wasn't ok the way I am, that I was unfinished. In the days leading up to my trip I was able to change those beliefs. Once I exposed these beliefs I saw them as something I could let go. They no longer served me. I could now see all that I have done to improve myself and help my boy. That I am ok just as I am and that I have helped my son the best I can with tools I had. Flying was an experience that once shot fear through my whole body and now I was now able to enjoy and feel relaxed with it...I actually allowed myself to enjoy it. Today I flew on a tiny plane with propellers and red liquid leaking from one of the wings, a big jet with engine trouble and I was fine through it all. Each time I began to feel the old fear I examined my beliefs, recognized them as something I no longer needed and put in their place my new belief that I am complete just the way I am. To my utter amazement each time it worked. I did that in a few days. If I can do this....well I can do anything...I can help my son be the person he wants to be...who or whatever that is....on or off the spectrum. I am seeing through practical application the beauty and the power of Love and Acceptance. Slowly I am changing my outlook of life as one filled with obstacles to one awash with opportunity...A life time of searching and here it is...feels good.