The Wave

I drove to the food co-op in Ashland tonight. Ashland is a beautiful little town: friendly and picturesque. This time of year the main street is lit up with Christmas lights on all the buildings. I travel down main street every time I go to the co-op. Food shopping is one of the few outings I have. It’s my time away from home…a little time to myself. I have been making this trip to the store for years now…2 or 3 times a week. However I would always feel torn. After spending 10 or 11 hours alone with my son while my wife was at work I could not wait to get out of the house. I was usually emotionally and physically exhausted by the time she got home and I would think Griff would be sick of me but he hated to see me go. He looks out the front window whenever one of us leaves the house. I would drive away relieved to get the time alone yet I would feel so guilty for wanting to leave him when he clearly wanted me to stay.
So I drive to town and head down Main Street. By the time I go to the store people are out of work and the town is bustling, as much as a small town can. People going to dinner, buying things in the shops, having a drink…seeing a movie…normal everyday activities. I would see this and feel so isolated. They all looked so carefree…I knew how they felt because that was me once. Our son has never been without my wife or I. We have never felt comfortable leaving him with anyone…the complexity of his issues was too much for us to feel safe leaving him with a sitter. Our son can not function in the outside world; the stimulation of Main Street is too much. So as a result we don’t go anywhere together. I would see families walking down the street…their kids walking beside them with out running away! I felt like I was missing out on so much….not so much for myself but I was being robbed of doing all this with my son. Other people laughed and enjoyed the world and I would think of the bubble we were forced to live in. I had hope… I knew it was not always going to be this way but I did not see the path. I would go to the market…have brief interactions with the people there and go home…bracing myself for the return usually trying to lose myself in a movie…trying to forget for a couple of hours. There was more to my life than this of course…I have had great days and terrible days and a lot of days in between. But on the whole we have been isolated from the world physically and emotionally.
But tonight I drove to the store and I got to main street and I saw all the people out doing their thing….having fun…living life…and I saw it differently. I was looking out and I realized I no longer had that sadness and longing to be one of those people. The strange thing is that when I realized this it felt perfectly normal. It occurred to me that for the past week and a half I have had this growing acceptance of who I am, who my son is and what our life is. I can’t express what a gift this is. I have been waiting for a magical moment when my son would wake up one day and say… “Hey dad…I’m all better now can we go someplace fun!” I have been waiting for something that I couldn’t clearly see and when this mysterious change happened in my son then I could be happy. I was tortured over the thought of spending years struggling with this sense of loss waiting for the day he was healed though I could never really see it in my mind. But now I have discovered that though we still have years ahead of us before he will be recovered, all the restrictions we have on our lives are still there, my son is still autistic, but yet I can be happy.
I have been leaving the house and waving to my son in the window as I always do but now I feel ok when I drive away. I feel at peace. I am choosing happiness. I can’t believe I can have it now. I feel so empowered as if nothing is out of my reach. I went to the store tonight; I was standing in the produce section looking at a dad and his son, a boy my son’s age. The boy was just standing there, playing with his hat in funny ways talking to his dad…asking him questions…laughing. I stood in awe how they both thought how normal it was. I was staring at them thinking “My God…you have no idea how lucky you are!” I can see them now but the difference is that it did not make my heart ache. I did not feel this sense of hollowness that I have felt for years when I see this played out over and over gain in the world. I just felt happy…content. Here is where I can start to rebuild my life and who I am. From here is where I can most effectively heal my son. Happy…it’s the place to be.
My wife had some low energy tonight, I asked her what was wrong…I could hear it in her voice. She said it was hormonal…the cycle of things. Her energy was low and I felt it and it pulled me down a little. And as soon as I felt it I thought “Wow…if I can sense that just think of what my boy gets off us every day we have struggled with his autism.” In the past two weeks I have seen such a change in him and it’s from the energy I am projecting. Our everyday life has been altered. I have shifted my perspective and everyone in the house has felt it and we all feel so much better. My son is doing better. We are interacting differently. The whole dynamic has changed. I have so much to learn…I have a stack of things to read and watch. I have so much to write and prepare for…all for my son with the rest of life piled on top. I have no idea how I will get it all done in the few hours I have at night. But that doesn’t faze me as it did. I have found the place to start…the rest will fall into place.