Happy

Being present is the key; being present with love and acceptance at the core. The words are easy to write but not always easy to believe. Though now I feel a few steps closer to living that way. I can see it…see myself being that way and I never could before. I had the hope…the dream but I lacked the clarity to see it. But still even now I struggle to throw off the guilt I have been carrying around with me for so many years; Guilt from my youth which I simply transferred from one life event to the next. I changed and grew as a person over the years but I never let go of the guilt. I have felt it most strongly with my son. Stronger with him because now it is not just me whom I burden with it but someone who relies on me for help and guidance so he can live his life and be happy. My guilt lies in my not reaching my full potential…not doing all that I know I can do. I know we have done much to help our boy. Neither of us flinched at devoting all our resources and abandoning our way of life…our dreams that we had of raising a typical child. It was not easy to accept his diagnosis and to let go of that. It took some time but we did. We have created a life, a beautiful life that revolves around our son’s needs…creating, as best we can, an environment that he can not only survive in but actually heal. The path has not always been clear but we followed our instincts…what felt right…often flying in the face of convention. But still I see daily where I have failed him…letting my emotional exhaustion numb me; allowing myself, giving myself permission, to hide from it at times. I have not read all that I could have. Not taken advantage of opportunities to learn. I know all that I have done but all I could see is what I was not doing.
I can’t explain what has happened to me but that is all starting to fall away. For some reason I now find myself with the ability to let that part of me go. At first I asked myself if it could be that simple…and the remarkable thing is I have discovered that it is that simple. I had a belief about myself that I could not help my son to the best of my ability…with out ever really knowing why; some how a light has shined in on that part of me and now I feel that I can tap into that which hasn’t been awakened until now. The best part of feeling this way is not having any fear of losing it. I have opened the door and there is no closing it…no going back. I will allow myself to let it reveal itself however it needs to. I don’t have to rush at it…it’s a part of me and its not going anywhere…something innate. Happy…it makes me Happy.